Ranting...

I saw a woman at my restaurant tonight wearing the best outfit I have seen in awhile. Black halter type top, kind of racer back, and somewhat of an empire waist. Her jeans were black, with gold zippers running up the back of her legs, ending at her ass. Her body itself was nice, she looked like she worked out, and her face was only slightly fortunate looking, nothing exceptional. But, her hair was lacking, and the overall package was dismal. 

Basically my thoughts are this. These tops are not usually something I'd like to see on a woman. They are usually worn by women who don't wear a bra, yet should.  1. it looks painful to see the girls bouncing around, and 2. who wants to actually see the girls bouncing around. I know I'm gay and all, but I promise, that has nothing to do with it. I don't want to see a dude freeballin' it in a pair of gym shorts anymore than I want to see a woman freebreastin' it. Get it? 

Christmas 2008

I have decided that I'm no longer going home for Christmas. This is in no way a reflection on my family, but more a reflection on me. My family is wonderful, and to be honest, Christmas with them is the best thing I can imagine. But to go back about 9 years, I have had drama almost every single year since leaving home.

1999, Freshman year of college. My car decided to break down on December 23rd around 1130 PM. Luckily for me, I was about 6 miles away from a po-dunk little town. I had to walk, in the snow, not up hill both ways, but it was fucking cold. Granted, 1999 was long before I had a cell phone, and reception is so bad in Wyoming anyways, there was no point. However, I eventually got to a payphone, called my dad, who came and got me and we towed that fucking car home and ended up home around 330 in the morning. My dad kicks ass. 

2000, Sophomore year of college. A mere few days before I'm ready to go home for xmas, some asshole decides to be a show off on icy roads and rear-ends my car, totals it, and I'm almost stranded for Xmas. Luckily for me, college was only 2 hours away, so once again, my dad rescued me and picked me up. Not SO much drama, but still enough to piss you off.

2001, Junior year of college. I had just transferred to Buffalo for school and didn't really understand the whole finals thing that my department didn't really recognize, so I had everything done almost 3 full weeks before my plane was to depart Buffalo. My ticket was purchased and everything, but who was to sit around for 3 weeks with nothing to do? Not me, so I bought a bus ticket and spent two and a half full days on the bus. The highlight of that trip was getting mugged in Chicago's glorious bus station for 50 cents and a bottle of water. Nice. And top off the trip, my sister and I had the worst fight in the history of our family and I almost flew back to Buffalo on xmas eve. I stayed and we worked it all out.

2002, Senior year of college. I think this may have been the only drama free year. Yup, it was. How boring of me.

2003, My final semester of school. I was so sick right before I left from rehearsals, after having missed several, then could only get off for two days, so I flew home and flew back. I'm sure my flight was pretty expensive. Not the most dramatic, but definitely shitty because I could only spend a few days with the fam.

2004, Living in the big city for the first time. Also, the first year I rented a car on my own. My bags were lost somewhere in the world, and I spent most of my trip crying because I thought all the gifts I'd bought were lost somewhere and no one would get anything from me. I fought on the phone with my parents on the way up. I later found out that I made my mother cry. Not the best thing to do.

2005, Still living in NYC. I pissed my mom off royally when I buzzed all of my curly hair off because I just needed a change. It worked out for the better for me. Meanwhile I got something in my eye and found out later I had a piece of dirt that lightly scratched my eyeball, thank God I had insurance. So, if you look closely at the pictures from this holiday, my right eye is all fucked up.

2006, Once again living in NYC. This Christmas was mostly drama free. I had booked a show so I was able to quit my job just before leaving to go home and had a week free with nothing to do between xmas and leaving on Jan 2 for Illinois. A perfect year. :) 

2007, I was home for 6 weeks. Granted it was with my family, but it sucked because I had been on tour and got injured. So I had 6 weeks with a HUGE ugly boot on my foot, my sister calling me "boy," and driving back and forth to the doctor every week in a town that I wasn't even staying in. Overall, the time I spent with my fam was great, it was cool that I was getting unemployment, but really shitty that I had to leave my job behind. OH yeah, and it was the first year we were minus someone in our family. My florida sister didn't come home last year.

2008, back in the city. This year sucked. I overslept and missed my flight on Tuesday morning, and thankfully, the previous week had been such shitty weather that every flight was oversold and had too many people waiting from earlier cancelled flights trying to get on. So, I spent Christmas this year in NYC, mostly alone. I do have wonderful friends who all offered to have me come home with their families. However, I know that it seems dumb, but I'd rather be alone missing my family than with a family that is awesome because I'd just miss my family even more and I don't want to be the emotional guy that everyone has to feel sorry for. I did have an awesome dinner on Christmas eve with Nick and Tasha! Then yesterday was a fun filled day of the movies, dinner and a friend's bar. So, it worked out as best as it could. 

I've since decided that I'm not longer doing Christmas in December. I seem to have to go through so much bullshit just to get home and I'm done. I love my family very much, but I'm now going to go home in August when there is no school, so my sisters can't argue they have to get back for something haha. And overall, there isn't much weather to contend with. So, I'll be doing that. They can jump on board or not, but that's how it's going to be from now on.

Holidays...

There is a lot going on right now that I'm trying to process. Christmas wasn't exactly what I wanted it to be this year, but I'm dealing. So, once I figure it all out, I'll write some more. Just haven't felt like it much. So for the five of you who read this, I'll have some new stuff soon. For those of you who don't read it, it's funny, just when I think I'm done, something random happens and my heart drops, and I wonder how much longer 'til I'm over it?

Anywho, Merry Christmas all!

When I came home today...

I came home from work tonight and guess what I saw. Two glasses of water next to my bed from when you stayed with me wednesday night. On the floor is the stack of movies I made you watch. On top of them lie the clothes I had to dress you in the day after you were wasted, uncharacteristic in your behavior, and yet still adorable. Aside from those few things, you almost aren't here. 

Yet, the blue on the walls makes me think of the night you came over and helped me paint. The ribbon of brown woven into my blue sheets makes me think of the beauty of your eyes. And if I stop and smell with my eyes closed, I can still smell you on them. 

Almost everything in life seems to remind me of you, yet I am not on board. I don't know why. 

This morning I went to the gym and I saw another "you." A different "you." One I hadn't seen in awhile, and while I looked, I realized my mistakes, yet again, and wished for a different outcome. I used to wish I had made different choices to have kept that "you" in my life, but now I wish I had made the right choices to have only known "you" as a friend. We tried to be friends, but it almost seemed as if I were still despised and could never be seen for who I truly am. I was hidden from others as if it were a big secret we were hanging out. So, we can't be friends just yet. Maybe one day. 

There are more "you's" in my life than I wish, but the number isn't what matters to me. I sit here now and I think about something that happened to me on Wednesday. I worked a party at my job for a religious group. I know that sounds, most likely, very corny, but, sometimes I think that life presents you with situations that you need to have. But, I digress. There was a moment when a man got up and spoke. Everything he said are things that I have known, but for some reason, that day was the day that I knew I needed to pay attention.

He talked about love. He said that the only way to never get your heart broken is to never give it away. You keep it locked up in a casket and eventually it becomes impenetrable and unbreakable. People do this for many reasons, but as Christians, we need to be able to give of ourselves because that is the nature of what we are here for. To love and cherish our brothers (and sisters, i suppose). We need to make ourselves vulnerable to truly understand each other and to truly love one another. And while this is a scary thing, it's the right thing to do. 

It was when I heard him speaking, while blocking out the Christian bits, I realized that I've always had my heart locked away. Even as a child I did this. I remember being young and always knowing that my parents loved me, but not knowing really how to love them back. Even now, I think that I'm still a little hesitant about it. Yet, I know that I was affectionate. I LOVED hugs, (and still do if anyone ever wants one) and gave them frequently. Yet, there always felt some sort of guard I had up. 

In college, I dated a "you" that, luckily, I'm still very close friends with. He always said to me, "I love you and I can tell you love me, but there is just this little part of your heart that you're keeping to yourself and I don't know why I don't get to have all of you." I knew then that I was keeping it all to myself because I didn't truly think I had found "the one." Good lord, that dreaded thought. How awful to meet someone who wants nothing more than to love you for the rest of your life! How terrible!

What's even more weird is how I have really close friends that, at times, I don't feel truly know me. And vice versa. However, we all love each other dearly and such, but it's just this tiny little feeling that we don't really know each other as well as we may have thought. It's not a bad thing, it's just the nature of life sometimes. Or maybe it doesn't have to be. Maybe it's ok if we open ourselves up to others. Maybe it's ok to start trusting our friends. Maybe it's ok to let them obsess about little details we think might be prying, but they feel it's just being concerned. Maybe it's ok to let them love you. And maybe, just maybe it's ok to let them go.

I don't know. Some days I'm sentimental and weep at the dumbest thing. The next day I'm hard and closed off and don't know which way is up or down. And then there are the days like today, when I am depressed for no reason, want nothing more than to be loved, and feel so empty. These are the days that are the most difficult. They don't seem to last long, but when they hit, they hit hard.

I had a conversation with an ex recently. He said to me, "A cute guy is in love with you. Yeah, your life is SO hard."

The spirit of that conversation has in a way, kept me in check. I know it might have been difficult for that particular ex to say that to me, as he was referencing someone else, but, I don't know. When someone is perfect for you in every way imaginable, you expect it to just happen. But what happens when you're still conflicted about what you want, know that you love him, but still just might not be willing to let it happen just now? What do you do then?

I know there is someone out there who loves me. I know him by name. I know him by face, smell, touch, sound, every sense that we know. I feel him with me, in my heart,  but I still hesitate. I wonder if I'm making a mistake by keeping him around and not setting him free. I wonder constantly about him. Things that just keep me more and more conflicted everyday. It's tiresome and it's boring. And for now, I leave it at that. It's unknown, it can't be controlled, it just has to be. And if I can't just "be" with it, then I have to leave it behind. 

Home...

I am commonly asked, "Where are you from?" By various people intrigued on why I moved to NYC, or by people I've met in the city who are just curious about me or making small talk. For all of them, I have a simple answer that no matter what, always gets a response; "Wyoming." That's all I have to say and questions come gushing. 

However, lately, I've been wondering when I would just start telling people that I simply live in Harlem. There's something I love about the novelty of being from such a foreign place. No, it's not a foreign country, but most people I've met wouldn't even be able to point it out on a map. I'm sure some people reading this would think that's insane, but stop and think for a minute, do you really know where Wyoming is? Or do you just think you're that smart? Sometimes I try to tell people that I'm from Harlem, and they immediately ask, "But, where is HOME?"

So this got me thinking about what makes a home a home. Of course, there's the standard thought of "home is where the heart is" bullshit. Others think of home as the place they grew up, while some think of it as where they are currently, which follows back to the where the heart is. But, I never had a house that I grew up in. I have friends who have parents who have lived in the same house for about 30 years or more. We moved every few years. And, I move apts a lot in NYC because I keep getting acting jobs and rarely people want to live with actors because we sublet a lot. So, what makes it so special?

A few years ago, my parents moved to Canada (western side north of Calgary.) I live in NYC. My oldest sister lives in my hometown in Wyoming with her husband and kids, while my other sister lives in Florida with her husband. Yes, we're MASSIVELY spread out. Kind of sucks. Some people think that's a good thing, but when you hang out with my family, you understand that my family is amazing. 

So having said that, I've begun to realize that my home is now often thought of as my sister's house in Wyoming. It's kind of our central hub of gatherings and what-nots. And last year, I was blessed to spend roughly six weeks living in that house. I got my niece and nephews' birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Granted, one sister was missing, but, I got the time. 

So, That's when I realized how central her place was. But, what really got to me was this year I flew to Denver to be with all of my family, then we all flew down to Florida when my sister got married. The best thing is that I realized home isn't where I live in NYC, it's not ever my sister's house in Wyoming. Home is my family. It's not a home is where your heart is for me. Home is where my family is. Us together is more fun than I can explain. You have to belong to a family like mine to understand what the dynamic is like. But, rest assured, I'm a lucky boy and better for it.

So whether I go on to start my own family or not, move a thousand more times, I know that I do have a home, no matter what. 

What I want.

For a long time, I thought someone was writing about me. It turns out they weren't. And when I finally figured it out, it kind of hurt some, but I know I'll be fine. I know that I held onto something much longer than I needed to, but like I said, I'll be fine. 

Relationships can be tricky. Sometimes weird. But, what's funny is that when it's over, you find things you miss that you never realized at that moment. Well, I know that I did, so I can't say that people don't realize these moments as they're happening. I miss being made breakfast. I miss chugging a bottle of wine while watching a shitty horror movie and then having sex and cuddling all night. I miss someone reaching for me that I didn't think would like me in the first place. I miss nights of sitting on the terrace and reading. I miss someone calling me on my bullshit. I miss you hugging me and telling me how you missed me, but in that moment thinking, "wow, this person likes me. how did I ever get so lucky?" 

But, all that happens before I fuck it up. Yup, I am officially the guy you're mother warns you about. I'm the one who will break your heart, so it's better that you don't fall in love, because I won't fall in love back. I just don't. I can't explain it. I know that I am capable of loving. I know that I have walked away from love twice this year. Once was a mistake(left because I was in love-still dealing with it), and once was a necessity(we just couldn't get on the same page). I don't enjoy breaking people. I don't revel in the fact that I am more comfortable being single and alone than I ever have been in a relationship. I do regret some choices, however. I regret not being more honest with my college boyfriend. I regret not telling my first boyfriend to go and fuck himself, meanwhile holding onto the thought that he'd come back to me. But, that was high school, and it's ten years later, so who's holding on? HAHA. I regret letting one situation go to far. I regret dating someone for his benefit and not mine. I regret that I've lost motivation to keep myself going after a career that seems failed. (however, i'm much more positive these days.) And I regret not making you breakfast the last morning I spent with you. I don't regret pushing forward for what I want, however, I'm sure one day I'll regret telling someone how I really feel about him, but when you don't feel the same, you just don't, so I can't keep forcing something that's just not there. 

There are some people who believe things about me to be untrue. There are others who are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well to those who believe the untrue, stop believing. I've already told you the truth. And to the one who's waiting for the other shoe, it's not coming. Why? Because I told you everything. It's up to you to decide. To those who think I will change one day, I won't. Well, maybe I will. Maybe we just weren't meant to be. But, I can't sit by and watch you with me anymore. I can't let you keep thinking things will get better between when they won't. It's not fair.

And to others. I have enjoyed shopping and experiencing life with you. Hearing about your troubles and trials and all that. But, when you're ready to hear mine, then I'll be ready for you. Or maybe I'm ready now and I'm just to sinister to notice. For now, I'm content being single. I might not always feel that way, but why not wait for what you want? And since I don't know, I wait.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I get in the way of myself. I just let everything get too complicated. Maybe it's because I am afraid. Maybe it's because I just don't know how to trust myself. When I was little my mother used to tell me that I stood in the way of myself being successful sometimes. Even to the point, she said, that I would cut of my nose to spite my face. I didn't know then that she was right. It's funny; when I was little I had no idea what she even meant. And the past few years, every time I make a mistake, I hear her voice saying that in my head. It doesn't have to be so complicated. But it comes down to a decision. And since decisions are my downfall, I have to make one. It wasn't easy, but it's maybe what we need. I don't know. Let's give it some time.

PS...Wall-E is still here. 

Say what you want..

Something I've noticed a lot anymore is people not going after what they want. Sure they talk a big game about wanting this thing or that, some person, or yearning after something they lost. Then, they can totally contradict themselves in what they do.

For instance. I have a friend who is devastated over a breakup. He wants nothing more than to get his ex back, yet he has a date tonight. Why waste your time? You want something, go after it. If you don't, then don't. If you want your ex back, spend time on it. If you just want to get laid, then fine, but don't sugarcoat it with a date.

Other examples are people who have issues with others, yet display those same characteristics themselves. A guy I once dated used to hate that I ate oranges in bed. (Not really the case, but lets just say for arguments sake this is what it was). Hated it. Then months later, after the breakup, we come to find out he's been eating apples in bed. I mean, come on, similar right? Bad analogy. 

I had an ex from college, that, when we broke up and got back together(i know, drama) promised to never lie. So we get back together for about 6 months. Then break up. A year later, I find out he lied to me significantly while we had been together. Should it matter to me a year and half after it happened? It certainly stung a tiny bit, but the bigger picture was, we were trying to establish a friendship. So, I called him on it, let it go and we moved on from it. Yes, I tease him about it occasionally, but I love him anyways, so it's all ok.

The point is this. If you really want something, then go after it. If you're not over your ex, then don't date. You just put someone else in the path to be hurt. I mean, you're not doing them any favors by hiding what you feel. It will just come out eventually. So, I have this to say to my friend. Take some time to yourself. I hope he reads this. I'm not sure if he does anymore.

beyonce...

Ok, so I really am not a huge Beyonce fan. I'm just not. Never have been, yet occasionally she'll put out something that I really like. Something that's fun to dance to, or work out to, or whatever.  

Today, on Ellen, she sang a song at the end of the show that I've never heard. I actually started crying it was so beautiful. And she was kind of crying during the performance of it. It made me like it even more.

Seriously, I didn't know what to think.... I hope you all enjoy.

!

Life is not that serious. Step back and relax. Why can't it just be fun???

So...

Last night, I realized that some of my blogs should be stuff that I write in my journal. But, I like to put a lot of stuff out there. So, regardless of what it is, if anyone wants to know more specifically who and what I'm talking about, please ask me. I'll tell you. Don't read into it more than what's there. Sometimes, I just like to clear my head. There's usually a lot going on in there. And I just wish I didn't have a filter. But the thing is, we have to have one to function in this society. It's sad, but true. Some filters are bigger than others. But, as much as people will say they don't have one, if you look hard enough they do. Because everyone has a different relationship with everyone. I'm sure the things you say to friends are much different than what you'd say to your mother. Ya know? But, in the end, a filter is good. There are secrets and actions that are better left without being told.

Things.

There are so many things that go on in my head that I know if I said them out loud, I doubt I'd have anyone at all to call my friend. Not that I think bad things about my friends, but I just think about a lot of inappropriate stuff. Just something that goes on. But I'm curious to know, what would happen if no one had a filter. If every thought someone had would come out and the people involved in those thoughts would hear them. What would happen? Would there be more fights in the world? Would there be more love? Fear? Anger? Pain? Pleasure? I'm curious.

Everything else seems so jumbled to me right now. I can't help but blame myself, but then again, I can't seem to move forward. I'm stuck in a rut and we all know it, but the rut is the extension of my hip that I can't seem to get rid of. I can't seem to find some kind of peace without it meaning something different to everyone. I can't seem to get certain actions out of my head. I keep replaying the entire day in my mind. There's so much of me you don't know, and you can't know because I won't let you. Because I don't want you to. There is no other reason besides that. It's selfish and mean, but it's real. So by telling you that much, does that mean I'm letting you in? Or pushing you away? Who knows? Is what we did wrong? Would it be so bad to go back down that road? To maybe find something we missed? I can't shake it, and it seems you can't either. But, I'm still unhappy with myself. So, where does that leave us? Talk, no talk, talk, no talk. Make up your mind. 

Is my timing bad? Am I the third thing? I wonder how much more I can "be there" before I crack. I want things to be right so much, but where do I draw the line? When do I stop saying, "you" and start saying, "me." What is it I'm searching for? If I found it, would I let myself keep it? Would I ruin it, then try to get it back again? If I find some kind of energy on my own, does that mean I was right? If I say, "no" does it mean what I think it will?

All of this, then I think of the fact there is a woman named Diana Urrea, and I smile to myself, because I bet she has a harder day to get through than I ever will.

Work....

Tonight I had a couple of things happen to me at work that just make me laugh thinking about them.

1. Two women sat at one of my tables tonight. The one who paid handed me a credit card. I took it to the computer and swiped it. As I was getting the printed copies, I decided to actually check all the info on the card, something I never do, but for once, I just happened to look. The woman's name was Diana Urrea. I hope you all know where this one is going. I about lost my shit.

2. It was 11:05 PM and my restaurant had been closed for an hour. This usually means nothing to the idiots who dine out. A table of two guys and I had the following conversation as I was cleaning tables around them.

Man- So, uh, what time do you all close?

Me- About an hour ago.

Man- Oh shit, wow, we're here so late! (laughing) So what does that mean for us?

Me- That means you should probably be going soon.

Both men laughed, but they left very quickly.

Gay Stuff...

So, yesterday, at the urging of a good friend of mine, I went to the protest against the mormon church in NYC. Normally, I don't think it's a good idea to single out a specific group like this, but when they were the majority of supporters who voted yes for prop 8, i really felt compelled. It was so beautiful to see 20,000 New Yorkers out and proud for what they believe in. It wasn't just gay people too. It was everyone. It was just a shining example of how people who have nothing in common but a single belief can come together and stand for what they think is right.

The best part of the evening was that my roommate was there. He's a person who happens to be mormon, republican, and gay. All three of these ideas seem to be so catastrophic when linked together, but for him, it works. He believes in looking at all issues from both sides and really weighing out what is best for himself and his own personal beliefs. He probably voted for McCain, but that's because he's not a single issue voter. I honestly don't know who he voted for, nor do I care. But, he joined up in the protest last night, and I think he, more than myself, should be admired for such a thing.

He recently wrote a blog, in which I commented, then someone commented back talking about how people would sue churches for not allowing gays to marry there for the simple fact, "because they could." Let me just say this in response. It will probably happen, the suing of a church over gay marriage, because people are idiots.  People sue for any reason in which they think they can 'get rich quick.' Because in this country, we have been raised to believe that it's never our own fault. So many people are quick to blame others for their lot in life, when in reality, it's not. Our country promotes, give us your tired, your weak... blah blah blah, I forget how the quote goes, but it really should say, "give us your people who want to blame someone else for their troubles, because it's not REALLY your fault, is it?" 

Someone suing a church over gay marriage is idiotic. Why? Because the bible doesn't condone it, and neither does any other religious scripture. So, I don't think a church should have to marry us. I think the government has to marry us at the courthouse, though. I pay my taxes just like everyone else. I hold the constitution and the laws of this country to a very high esteem. So therefore, I should be afforded my right to get married. To whomever I choose. Now, any church, temple, or whatever can disagree with this, but I tell you right now, you don't have to marry me. You don't have to deal with me. I just want the civil liberties granted to the heterosexual community. 

And another thing. I am pretty sure that my family supports me in my quest to become a married citizen. As a gay person, I'm happy they support me, but what if I wasn't their family member, son, brother, uncle? I would still like to hope that they would support gay marriage. So the thing is this. Even if you know gay people, are related to them, or whatever. Support gay marriage because it's the right thing to do. Not because you're influenced by the people around you. Look in your heart. Listen to the stories of couples having been together for 50+ years who yearn to have some sort of legal rights as they are about to pass on from this world. Tell them to their face they don't deserve some sort of rights, or haven't earned it in their many years of devotion to one other person. Look at them and tell them that they are going to burn in hell. Look at them and judge them. Then call yourself a christian. Judge all of us, fine. But know that it is your own soul you will have to answer for. We're not asking that you save us, or that you convert us to your way of thinking. We're simply asking that you live your own life, and we will live ours.

Today...

I have no idea how to process what I've experienced today, so I'll let it rest for a couple of days and instead leave a quote from a wonderful movie of the 90's. 

AJ- What's with you today? I mean, yesterday you were all normal and today you're like the Chinese guy from "The Karate Kid!" What's with you today?

Lucas- What's with Today-Today?

Gay Marriage

Me.

I made a mess, and now it's time to either fix it or face the consequences of my actions.

Just some thoughts...

Bittersweet..

Just a really good song by Sara Bareilles....

well a couple of them.....

Nothing...

Is ever so bad or so far gone, that, if we want, we can't bounce back from it. 

I misread your signs

Thought it was me

but it wasn't

Thought you still cared

but you don't

Thought I could pretend

but I can't

I was wrong 

so many times over

but I am coming back

Stronger than ever

wishing you the best

wishing you the worst

Harboring a hope 

for my own future

Getting myself up off the ground

Shaking myself free

I held your esteem

higher than my own

and I'm done.

That little feeling in my stomach?

Turns out it's love.

I have your attention

but not your respect

I have your best interest at heart

though you probably object.

I just can't go on

unless it's with myself.

I'll own up to what I need

and find my own way

Eventually, I'll find happiness

but on my own terms

So many things I wish I could say

but you already know

you already understand.

There's no turning back the clock

there's no magic key

that could open a door 

on a new room for us.

I wish we could have recovered, 

but it wasn't meant to be.

It wasn't your job to fix me, 

yet I wanted us to both be whole

So i'll be here on my own, 

and you'll be set free.

Two Things...

There are two songs I've heard recently that have made me cry. I know, I know, how stupid, but I react to music easily. So here they are..

"I don't believe you" by Pink.

I don't mind it

I don't mind at all

It's like you're the swing set and I'm the kid that falls

It's like the way we fight

The times I cried

We come to blows

And every night the passions there

So it's got to be right, right?

No, I don't believe you

When you say don't come around here no more

I won't remind you

You said we wouldn't be apart

No, I don't believe you

When you say you don't need me anymore

So don't pretend to not love me at all

I don't mind it

Still don't mind at all

It's like we're those bad dreams

When you can't wake up

Looks like you've given up, had enough

I want more, no I wont' stop

Cause I just know you'll come around, right?

No, I don't believe you

When you say don't come around here no more

I won't remind you

You said we wouldn't be apart

NO, I don't believe you

WHen you say you don't need me anymore

So don't pretend to not love me at all

Just don't stand there and watch me fall

Cause I, cause I still don't mind at all

It's like the way we fight

The times I've cried

We come to blows

Every night, the passion's there

So it's got to be right, right?

No, I don't believe you

When you say, don't come around here no more

I won't remind you

YOu said we wouldn't be apart

NO, I don't believe you

WHen you say you don't need me anymore

So don't pretend to not love me at all

Cause I don't believe you.

The other is "We All Need Saving" by Jon Mclaughlin

Come on, Come on

You have got to move on

This is not the you I know

This isn't real

It's just all you can feel

And that's the way feelings go

And whether or not it's right or wrong

you'll do what you will do

When the cloud in the sky

Starts to pour in your life

It's just a storm you're braving.

Don't tell yourself

You can't leave on someone else

Cause we all need saving

Sometimes

Say what you will

but the time that we fill

While we're on the earth

Should not be alone

We were meant to be known

And you make me what I'm worth

But I can't keep you from yourself

You'll do what you will do

When the clod in the sky

Starts to pour in your life

It's just a storm your braving

Don't tell yourself 

You can lean on someone else

Cause we all need saving

Sometimes

I don't know why it has to be this was

And I don't know the cure

But please believe someone 

has felt this before.

When the cloud in the sky 

Starts to pour in your life

It's just a storm you're braving

Don't tell yourself

You can't lean on someone else

Cause we all need saving

Sometimes

Halloween!

OMG! Am I really in NYC?????


(Hint about my cosutme tonight-can you figure it out?)

Just something to think about...

"The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created, created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them changes both the maker and the destination." John Schaar

Just a little something I've been thinking about. Anyone can chose their own adventure. Anyone can bring on a companion. Anyone can push someone overboard, and anyone can switch paths in the middle of their course. It's an interesting ebb and flow of life and when it hits you like a ton of bricks, it can be enlightening.

Just when you think...

It's been a weird week for me. I'll write more about it later.... but it's just, for lack of a better word, weird.

It all adds up...

It all adds up. I watched a show today. What was interesting about it is they did equine therapy. For anyone who's never seen the Sandra Bullock movie "28 Days," equine therapy is done to teach one about the patterns they have in life. This was something I already knew about before I saw the above mentioned movie. I just happened to forget all about it. So it kind of reminded me of a few things.

Anyways, in the show I was watching, a woman needed to confront a lot of what was plaguing her. She had wronged a significant amount of people. I think we all get there. Sometimes, we can look at our lives and wonder, "How did we end up here?" It's a wonderful experience to reflect back on the time and places we've gone and the path we've taken. It's very easy to look back and say, "If only I could go back to this specific moment and chose the alternate road." But, that road would take us in an entirely different direction.

There is a musical review with a song that has the lyrics, "I want to see me from where I've begun, but I'm afraid to be, who I am, who I want to become." Another lyric from the same song is, "Do I really want to see, Do I really want to mess it all up to know? Could I be living a life filled with uncertainty, Do I want to grow?" It's so funny because they authors of this song were in college when they wrote it. It makes me smile because I know that I'm still ok to be where I'm at in life. 

My closest/oldest/dearest friend and I were talking the other day about mistakes. She told me that no matter what decisions we've made in the past, we've made them, there's not much we can do about that. I know this already, but it's nice to have the update. She went on to tell me that when you truly decide to do something, or change something, then it will happen. Sometimes, in the 7+ years I've known her, I have to remind myself that she is younger than me by almost 2 years. She constantly surprises me with how much of an old wise soul she is. And that I'm fairly new still. I'm smart and sometimes mature, yes, but my soul is relatively new. It's true. And the final thing she said to me once in a text message, and I have it saved so I can constantly look at it. It says "There's nothing I have to have, there's nothing I have to do, and there's nothing I have to be except exactly what I'm being right now." Everyday I see this because I text more than anyone I know. But, it's nice to know that she's always in my thoughts. 

So, having said all of that. There's a subject of myself that I have to throw out there. I'm not great with poetry, lyrics of my own, or writing cryptic messages. I'm much better writing in narrative and getting myself just out there. So, I've lied. I haven't been honest, and I've screwed up. But what I've realized lately is that no one can forgive me before they are ready. That beautiful scene in Sex and the City in which SJP tells her friend, "It's all forgiveness." It's all the same. But the thing is this. I don't always feel like I deserve some of the things I've gotten. So I have to start with myself so that I can accept forgiveness if and when it comes. And if I don't receive it from others, at least I can give it to myself. I can deal with that at least. 

Yes, I'm a control freak. I always have been. I think I get it from my mom. Not that I dislike my mom, but I get a lot of things from her. It's just natural. But, I'm learning. I'm learning that no matter what, I can get over anything. Or, at least, I can deal with anything. I can buckle down and keep pushing forward. It's just how I was. I know that lately I have yearned for a vacation from my life, but that's the easy way out. I see that now. I have to face the music of my not so wonderful past and just move forward. Friends, lovers, colleagues, family, are all people I've hurt. I know it. I can't do much but send out my heartfelt apologies and hope and pray that I'm forgiven, but sometimes, it just doesn't happen.

And "niceness." Well, it's good to know that people are going to be nice. A drunken text message, a voicemail, email or whatever. It's good to have it. I'll take it for what it is and wish you the best.

Looking forward...

I have this idea.... It's about watching the eleven o'clock news. But what you're watching is somehow a clip of your future. You see the eventual ramifications of your choices you've made that day. If only we could see what would happen, we'd never make the wrong choice. Because we'd get to see the outcome before we had to experience it. 

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. We have to wait and see if we made the right choice or not. If I had a new program like the one I just mentioned, I would have done things so much differently this year. If only everyone else could have seen what I did.

Pigeons and Luck

Today I was walking west on 20th street in NYC, completely enjoying the brisk day. I had really great music on, and was kind of strutting down the street. I looked up and saw a pigeon flying around and thought nothing of it. I stopped for a brief moment to look at my ipod to change songs and WHAAAAAAAAAACK! The damn pigeon flew right into the side of my head, knocking me off balance and sent it flying weird for a few before it settled on the ground, righted itself, then flew off. 

Seriously, about 25 people were around me, all of which were either laughing or trying to make sure I was ok. I was fine, but a little embarrassed. I mean, a damn diseased pigeon just flew into my head, part of which was my face. GROSS! 

Now, there's this theory about birds and such shitting on your head being a sign of good fortune. Does that same rule apply when one slams into your head?

I certainly hope so.

Am I?

I'm still awake at 130. 

It's not that late, 

but i got in at 12. 

So, why am I destined to stay awake and think about things too far gone to repair?

Am I going to constantly struggle to balance it all out?

Am I going to throw in the towel and go home?

Ugh to my life,

I need a vacation.

I need to switch, but that's a small problem.

I know I miss it. More than I should. I don't want to do what I'm afraid I'm going to have to do.

AM I ever going to get a fucking vacation?

Rants of the week.

So much has been going on, and I just dont' really know where to begin. Good things and bad. So I'll just start listing them.

1. Hate that I have ill feelings towards some of my friends because things get miscommunicated. 

2. I hate that I used to love going to the gym, and now, I just feel, well, it's a rough time sometimes.

3. I waited on Star Jones today at my restaurant. Turns out she's one of the sweetest and most polite people ever. Guess that the view must have just shown her bad sides? Not sure.

4. I'm 28!!!! everyday getting closer to 30. I hope when I hit it, I'll have a lot more figured out.

5. I'm getting a flu shot tomorrow, and I'm a little sick now, so not sure if I should. I'm a little bit scared. Any thoughts anyone?

6. I have all of this music from this summer that I rarely listen to, but can't get rid of it. Sometimes I get a little sentimental. 

7. It's getting much colder in NYC and i can't find a goddamn winter coat to save my life. Who wants to go shopping with me???

8. I have felt guilty for having ill feelings towards some of my friends. I actually thought about just letting the friendships fade away. Today, I realized that it's probably not the best way to handle the situation. Maybe it'll just work itself out and I'll have to accept that some of my oldest friends are now strangers.

9. I hate even numbers, so I had to write 9 things. And 9 should be enough, right?

Song... Just deal...

So, I heard this song this summer and I didn't really like it, but it came on my ipod yesterday and I haven't been able to stop listening. 

It's been ten years of investment

It's been one foot in and one out

It's been four day of full of shit

And I feel snuffed out

It's been 33 ears of restraining

Of trying to control this tumult

How I did invest in such fantasy

But my nervous system has won out

I feel done

I feel raked over coals

And all that remains is the case

That it's a bitch to grow up

I've repeated this dance ad nauseam

There's still something to learn that I've not

I totally see this is divine perfection

But my bones don't feel this perfection

I feel done

I feel raked over coals

And all that remains is the case

That it's a bitch to grow up

I've spent my life hovering above bottom

Thinking I can't survive what below

But I've known through the kicking and screaming

That there was no other direction to go

I feel done

I feel raked over coals

And all that remains is the case

That it's a bitch to grow up.

"It's a bitch to grow up" by alanis morissette

So Much To Say

There's so much for me to say right now, but everything is happening too fast for me to catch up. When I've collected my thoughts, I'll be back with some good shit for you people who actually read this. I think there's about 2 of you. BUt i'll be off for a bit, but it's all just brewing in my head for now...

Happy Birthday to me??

So, today is my 28th birthday. One would think that in 28 years of living, one would learn something, right? Well, I haven't. So today I'm making a new start on the next year of my life. I have one thing I want to do; I want to be a better person. This means starting to say yes instead of no. It means thinking of other peoples needs, not necessarily before my own, but just to consider them. I made a mess throughout my 27th year and I am promising to make this one a little bit better. So, i hope my friends will help me along the way, as they always do, and it'll be the best year I've ever had.

Choices

My grandmother sent me this forward a couple of years ago. What's funny about this is that I received it a few months after someone had broken up with me for being too negative. Well, that's what he said. I actually didn't believe him when he told me, but after reading this forward, I changed my mind, and my life. And lately, I've been down in the dumps, but I stumbled upon this and sent it to a friend that's been down as well. I didn't realize that I needed it too.

So here it is.


John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curiuos, so one day I went up and said, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He cooly replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'You have two choices today. You can choose to be in good mood, or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose the good mood.

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim, or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining, or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," he said, "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or a bad mood. The bottom line; it's your choice how you live your life."

I reflected on waht he said. Soon hereafter, I left eh Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard taht he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with tods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins! Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter. Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered taht I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I coudl choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

He continued, "The paramedics were great! They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on teh faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?"

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'GRAVITY!' Over their laughter, I told them, ' I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also becuase of his amazing attitude. I learned from that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. And today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.


I am so happy that my grandmother sent me this. It's something I've saved for over two years now, and luckily for my friend having such a hard time with life, I re-read it and remembered something most valuable.

On top of that, it occured to me this year that I'm someone you'd call a planner. I worry about my future instead of worrying about today. I've always been told, "you need to live more in the moment." It's funny that this year, I met someone who touched my life briefly. He has a tattoo that says, "in the moment." And what's funny is that I am completely unable to. And though the encounter with him was a short one, he completely changed the course of my life. And I'll never forget that simple tattoo.

So, it's good I have the memories and the faith to push forward through now to be able to enjoy tomorrow.

A Kiss.

This summer I received a text. It was one of the most beautiful I've ever received. Up until a week ago, I had it locked so I'd never lose it, but somehow I managed to erase it. But... I'm putting it up so I'll never forget. 

"A kiss can heal a million pieces that words could never fix."

At least that was how I remember it. I'm sure it's slightly off, but maybe it's true. Maybe that's all I need. 

My Niece

So, I have a niece who is about to be 12 years old, Kaycie. Yeah, do the math, I was 16 when she was born. Some people in my family do things a little bit early. It's just us. But, she's been a source of constant entertainment and delight from the moment she was born. Nevermind that she cried everytime I held her when she was first born. Nevermind that when I call, she's usually too busy to talk to me. Spending time with her is where the true fun begins.

This year, my father graduated from college. He has been taking online courses from a school in Denver for many years. I believe since I was in junior high. However, between raising three kids, maintaining a successfull marriage, and a full time job, he's had to go a little slowly. Finally, this year he succeeded and has a college degree.

My entire family went over to Denver for the commencement this year, kids included. The day of the graduation, we decide to head out for a celebratory dinner which includes us all giving my father the watch we got him for his big day. In true style to my father, he has a big speech prepared for said dinner, also a little surprise for my mom.

As it turns out, my father is a tremendously wonderful public speaker, naturally where I get my talents. So, in a little speech give to my mother, myself, my sisters, their respective husbands, and children, and my father's parents, he begins to thank all of us for our support for standing by him through his struggles to complete this chapter in his life. Of course we were all grateful and excited to be there. Then he began speaking specifically about my mother. Thanking her for being a truly wonderful partner, without which, he'd never have succeeded in any facet of life.

In this specifically directed thank you, he presented my mom with a little box. Inside the box, a necklace. A journey necklace, to be precise. It's a gold hoop on a chain, and inside the hoop is a curved line with diamonds. My father explains that the hoop symbolizes their unity, and the cruved center represents the journey of life they are on. Of course, at this moment, we're ALL in tears, because none of us really expected it. Plus, my parents union is truly one fairy tales are made from. However, with a brief pause to admire the necklace and revel in the moment, my niece, without missing a beat, says, "Awwwww, he went to Jarrod's"

And that is the wit and humor that is my niece. Enough said. She's the funniest person in our family.

It Says So On the Box

So, I've always known I was the smartest kid my parents conceived, but now I have actual proof. 

Last week, I was talking to my oldest sister on the phone. In the best non sequitur ever, she blurts out, "Did you know you can't use Mister Clean Magic Eraser pads on your skin?"

My flat response, "Yeah, it says so on the box. Why? Did you try to use it on your skin?"

"Well, yeah. I was dying my hair, and I got some on the back of my neck, and it wouldn't come off, so I used the eraser pad on it thinking it would work and it burned my skin."

Ok, seriously. My sister, God love her, is 30. Really? She just used bleach on her skin. I'm pretty sure most of us are taught at an early age that bleach isn't good for skin. If you have any doubts, look at Michael Jackson. But, I know for sure she was taught this lesson.

And if it weren't enough that she didn't know not to use it her skin, she says, "oh yeah, it DOES say so on the box. Right here. CAUTION: Do not use on skin. May cause burning. Wow, I wouldn't have thought that!"

Ok, I love my sister SO much, but really? How did all of my parents intellect skip her and end up in me?

Two Hearts

I wanted to keep the songs off of here, but I've had this song on repeat most of the summer. just wanted to share it.

Thoughts of you I can't escape

still holding on to words once spoken

Consumed by mind body and soul

with a firm on a heart broken

Because these are two hearts

that cannot be 

but cannot run 

cannot hide from each other

and this wall that we've placed here between us

won't come down.

Waking still with your breath in my hair

kissing gently I open my eyes

but a dream is but a dream

little boy roll back over.

It's never easy to say your goodbyes.

Because these are two hearts

who cannot be

but cannot run

cannot hide from each other

and this wall that we've placed here between us

won't come down

Come down.

Come down.

Won't come down.

Waiting, wishing, hoping and praying

for a chance to keep it new

to keep the sun from setting.

Why must I entangle myself

with what's broken?

It's the hope of what could be

Of what wrongs but won't be.

Because these are two hearts

that cannot be but

cannot run

cannot hide from each other

And this wall that we've place here between us

won't come down

So I'm not waiting wishing hoping or praying

I'm not waiting wishing hoping or praying.

I'm not waiting wishing hoping or praying

Anymore

Family Lottery.

I wasn't always a great kid in my family. Yes, I was probably the smartest one of the three kids my parents had, but it was all book-smarts. I was severely lacking in the common sense department. And, sometimes, I still do. But hey, we all grow and we all learn, right?

In high school, I was so rebellious of everything my parents said or did. I can proudly say I wasn't up to anything bad, but I was seriously pushing them away and shutting them out of my life. It got so bad that my parents decided to take away their help in aiding me in my college aspirations. I didn't care, but in hindsight, I can see how bad of a decision it was, but luckily for me, I realized my mistake almost immediately after having moved out of their house and into my first home away from home; my freshman dorm. It was there that I realized how much work my parents had put into making me a strong and independent man. The struggles of many of my fellow freshman class who didn't know how to do simple things like their own laundry made me so grateful for every small lesson I had learned from both of my parents. 

Luckily for me, I pulled my shit together and worked my ass off over those first two years, so that when it came time to transfer schools (i went to a two year school in wyoming, so transferring was my ticket out) they generously offered their assistance. I swallowed my pride and jumped on their offer. I knew that things were getting better. And even more so, I was starting to really enjoy being around my family. 

Fast forward to 2007, in which I was able to spend a solid six weeks with my family, minus one, or two (yes, lisa and aj, i had to throw that dig out there.) But, in that six weeks, I was able to really play the role of uncle to my adorable niece and nephew, kid brother, brother-in-law, and son. Even though the reason I was home was a tough one, the joys of being able to be apart of that solid dynamic we've all built made me feel special. I didn't feel like the absent family member I've come to think of myself as. I felt like I had a place and really had a blast. 

Even in this current year, I've flown to Denver to watch my father graduate college, and flown to Florida to celebrate my sister's nuptials. We were all there and that's what makes us whole. They were both weekends that I'll treasure the rest of my life. And it felt good to be apart of something bigger than myself. It feels wonderful to belong to something so loving. 

So, today I received a birthday card from my parents quite early. This is what it said inside

"What if today,

you could see yourself

the way that wee see you?

What if we could

somehow take you back

and show you for a moment, 

the beautiful baby boy

who won our hearts forever

the first time we held him

in our arms...

Or the mischievous toddler

who never stopped

for more than a minute,

so full of life

and curiosity

about the world around him?

What if we could

somehow show you

the kind and generous man

we see standing before us

or any one of the countless,

precious memories

we keep in our hearts?

What if on your birthday

you could see yourself

the way that we see you?

Then you would know,

without a doubt

how much we have loved

watching you change

and grow

and become

the kind of man

we always knew you would be."

And inside my mom wrote, "Couldn't resist a card that tells you how proud i am of you. lots of love, mom." And my dad wrote, "Happy birthday. Keep following your passion not your pension. Love, Dad."

I read this and I know that I have truly won the family lottery. I was given such an incredible family to belong to and I feel sad for anyone who has less than what I was given. I am heartbroken when I hear people say, "Oh my god, I hate my family." Or, "If I'm around my family too much, I go nuts!" Because I simply can't get enough of my family. I always feel bad for my parents at times. My mother constantly complains about when my sisters and I are together, no one can get a word in edgewise. But, that's just the three of us. We like to laugh, we're a pack and that's just how we are. With the three of us plus my parents, plus two brother-in-law's and a niece and nephew, we are the Riggles. Well, we're Riggle's, Reynolds', and King's. We're a family pretty much right off a family tv series. It's messy and dramatic, but always warm and inviting. And no matter how far spread we become, it's still always home. 

Interesting.

So, I think the relationship dynamic is an interesting one. 

Yesterday, I hung out with my ex. It was fun. Also, great to see him. However, something just seemed weird. It wasn't that whole, "oh my god, i'm hanging out with my ex, this is so weird, what if we hook up?" It was just weird and a little sad. 

(Quick history. He and I had been very close friends for quite awhile, then dated for a brief stint, then broke up. Between the break up and seeing each other yesterday, 5 months had passed.)

What was the most weird is that it was so wonderful to see him, but our friendship dynamic was off. It's the opposite feeling of when you have a close friend who you don't see for two years, then when you do see them, it feels like no time has passed whatsoever. You just fall back into your old routines. Well, with this situation, it couldn't happen. I don't know if it was us hanging in NYC, which we never really got to do, or the fact that I was pressed for time, or he was only here for a day, or whatever, but I realized that we're going to have to have more time before our friendship is there. 

It got me thinking about other relationships I've had in my life and how funny it is how they go wrong, or why, or when. Or how you can have this trait or habit that in the beginning or for the duration of the relationship, your partner/gf/bf/husband/wife/commonlawspouse/whathaveyou thinks it's adorable. They just can't get enough. But, the second the relationship is over, it's something they can focus on as being the most annoying thing about you. Or how your behavior was seemingly cute at the time will turn into a psychotic ex behavior once it's over.  Or sometimes, one of you that ruins the relationship realizes the mistake(s) you made and want nothing more to repair it, but the other person just won't hear it. And even though you both know that the other is constantly on your mind, they just won't have anything to do with you. 

When I was in high school. I dated a guy for a period of time, and somewhere in there was a breakup. It was good, but it took me several years to realize the break up was a good thing for me. But, immediately following, I became someone I never wanted to be again. Hell, even during the relationship, I was someone I promised myself I'd never be again. 

But the thing is that I let someone have so much control over who I was. I let go and loved someone with all of me. I mean, come on, I was in high school, and it's how everyone is the first time they fall in love. It felt good, but it was scary. And so quickly it was over. But, I promised myself I'd never do it again. So, over the years, I've opted for dating people that didn't make me feel like that. I pick people who let me have the upper hand, because when I feel like I don't have it, or I'm on even playing field, then I can't help but feel helpless and oh my god, what would happen if I actually fell in love with someone? The world would end. 

Well, recently, for the first time in about 10 years, I started feeling that way again, but I fucked it up. Royally. It doesn't matter how, or who. But I did. And there's a small, sometimes daily reminder in my life that I can't get rid of. It's a physical reminder that I have no control over. But the reminder is there, little signs here and there that make me think of it. And maybe that's the real reason I've been so down lately is I'm in mourning a little over the whole situation. 

But the problem isn't with that so much. It's in what I'm coming to realize that I do in the other situations. The ones where I have the upper hand. It's that no matter what, I will only experience love to a certain level. I had a boyfriend in college who I dated for just over three years and he always told me he felt like I only let him in a certain amount. And he was right. Because he wasn't someone who I could just lay my guard down for. I should have, and wanted to, but it wasn't the right time. Funny how we all have an instinct for that. 

And what makes me sad is when I know that my love isn't full. And most likely won't ever be. I've dated people in which I knew I couldn't love them as much as they wanted me to. It's not an easy situation to be in. It doesn't mean that I don't care about them, it just means that something isn't right for me.

There is something out there that is right for me. I just need to find it. Maybe I already have, or maybe I haven't, but I know it's there.

Getting by...

I've been in a funk lately. Not just a "it'll be better in a day or two" kind of thing. But I've been down. Now, I know that eventually it will get better. Deep in my heart I know I will be ok. But is it alright to just be ok? 

Usually, I don't know the cause of what's going on inside my head. I have crazy emotions that I struggle to define at times. It's as though I can sense the emotion, but lack the awareness of the cause. But, unfortunately for me, and some people around me, I know the cause. And equally unfortunate is that I lack the ability to do much about it without shocking the system. It doesn't have to be like that, but for me to achieve my ultimate goal in life, I'll most likely have to. 

So now that I have for myself identified why I'm being down, it's easy to start formulating plans to make it better. It's easy to look at the situation with some clarity and even easier to start being positive about life now that I know what's bringing me down. But, the plans I make to start pulling myself out of this aren't easy. People are going to end up with hurt feelings, broken hearts and will just end up damaged; myself included. Is that the price we have to pay for happiness in life, hurting other people and yourself just to get somewhere?

I am hoping that it doesn't have to be that bad, but maybe it does. But, the best part about it is that I know what I want. Even if I can't get it, I know it now. More than ever I know, and that's just half of the battle, right? And now that I know, I have to be persistent, patient, and some other "p" word that I can't think of right now to get what I want. And what I want will come to me in time. I know it will.

Silence.

There are times in my life that I am just quiet. It doesn't hide any subconscious feelings about anything. It just means I'm being silent. There is a comfort I find in taking this right of not speaking, as it throws everyone in my life off their game. Not many people know what to do with me. As I was told this weekend, it's as if I'm a snake observing it's prey, my words hanging back until the perfect opportunity to lash out and destroy something. I don't think I want to destroy anything, it's just that I kind of revel in the fact that no one can really get a read on me right now. Not even myself. I just enjoy the silence that makes everyone uncomfortable. 

Last Chance Pizza.

Last summer, I spent my time in Provincetown, MA doing a little show. The show itself it irrelevant, but the time I spent in P-town was remarkable. 

It gave me the time I needed to be away from the city, my friends, and my cell phone. I didn't have to answer to much of anything other than the show or myself. It was just nice to have the time to give myself some time. Since I'm a huge fan of spending quality time with oneself, I found it to be quite relaxing.

Most people told me before I left, "Oh my God! You're going to get laid all the time!" Or they said various other things that all meant the same as the previous exclamation. I shrugged it all off with the hopes that I'd just get in some good beach time, a tan, and maybe a few new friends. And that's basically what happened. Until one night, while getting pizza at the only place open in P-town after 1 AM, I met him. 

His muscles were flawless, and his face beautiful. His English wasn't impeccable, but his accent was adorable. I now lovingly refer to him as "my puerto rican." That first night I met him, I didn't sleep with him. God knows I wanted to, but fate had something else in mind for me. A competition of sorts.

While speaking with him, I realized that I was competing with everyone else around him for his attention, yet, I felt that I was in the lead. I was the only one who's number he asked for, while everyone was throwing theirs at him. I also had the advantage of our cast house having a hot tub on our back patio. And since our cast enjoyed throwing hot tub parties that usually consisted of our own cast, I told him that we were having one and he should stop by. He told me he was going after more pizza, but would call me later to confirm. Well, I was slightly miffed. I thought I had missed my chance. I got home and flung my phone on my bed in the basement and went upstairs to bitch to my friends and drink. Later, I realized that I had missed a call from him, so I felt like even more of a douche. "That's it," I thought, "my chance has passed."

Not so.

The next day, I ran into him on my way to the gym. We did our quickened work outs and then spent the entire day together, parting only when I had to go to my show. Each day after followed the same. Inseparable only for my show. Granted, it was a fling, but each day was so intense that I felt that I could really have a relationship with this person. He was so sweet and wonderful and since I hadn't had a relationship in several years, I thought he was just a sign I was ready. I didn't think he was the one I could have been with, just simply a sign of fate that I was ready. And with that little sign, I kind of felt a little possessive over him. Just a touch.

Since then, he and I have parted ways, barely speaking, but from time to time I hear from him. Last I heard he is engaged. It kind of struck a chord deep in my heart. I felt a little sad. But, what's it's since taught me is to be happy for other people. To be truly happy and content with what works for them. To let go of that thought of, "maybe one day..." or "if only i had done this..." or whatever.

But, the bottom line is, I'm learning to do this. I haven't perfected it yet. It's not easy to know that your ex is dating. Hell, I have a hard time sometimes with my 'major ex' dating and he and I broke up YEARS ago, are now incredibly close and have no chance in hell of ever getting back together again. It's just weird sometimes to see him with other people. Or to know so well the places I shouldn't go. So, letting it all go can feel sad, and yet empowering. And it's kind of fun.

Smile

I just finished watching season 8 of Will & Grace. 

That's every episode ever.

I can die now.

I get it...

No need to count. 

It's hard to breathe.

I get it.

We need some air.

Really?

As I rapidly approach the young, wonderful age of 28, I am burdened with the knowledge that I have learned much over the last few years, but also, I have learned very little. Let me explain.

I have learned much about the dynamics of my family. How we function to help each other, how we love each other, all of that. I have learned a great deal about my friends. What makes them tick, how we relate to one another. I've also learned a little bit of myself. Not that much, but some. But what I've learned nothing about is the way I relate to the people I choose to date.

I am not a product of divorce. I have no heartbreaking tales of how I traveled back and forth from mom and dad's different locations. There was no kind grandmother/aunt/uncle/greataunt/cousin or anyone swooping in to save me from the mess my parents created. My parents actually have a tremendously rich and loving relationship. I'm constantly reminded of how much they love each other. It's in the little things I see they do for each other and the small sacrifices they've made for themselves and my sisters and myself. I know they created a family that I one day hope I can have with my own children. But, is there something I have missed along the way that prevents me from having a successful relationship with someone else?

This year alone, I've had several crumbling relationships with people. They have one common factor; me. I know that I am the problem. I know that I have previously stated to some of my friends that I believe I will eventually be alone in my life. It's the only common thread I have with old gay men who have no one. I won't end up with an insane amount of cats. I won't have some gay-ass sewing circle. There will be no book club/movie club/recipe club of any kind. That's not me at all. I usually look down on that shit. 

But, that still doesn't answer why I have such a horrible time staying. I know that I'm a guy and I'm gay. Two things that are working overtime to prevent me from staying in a relationship. But, I want to know why it has to be that way? I'd like to think there's something much deeper going on inside my head that prevents me from being able to say, "yes, I want to be with this one person. Maybe not forever, but for now we can stand still." Maybe it's just that I'm afraid staying still too long will prevent me from moving forward with the personal goals I have for myself. (I'm not trying to sleep with every man on the planet, but... I have goals for what I want for my career and just things I want to accomplish). 

I've been accused of being confused, afraid of being alone, and not knowing what I want lately. To the person who said that, you were right, despite my best efforts to dissuade you. And you know it. You saw through me better than most. You were right, though. And you put it in front of my face. I now have to face that big pink elephant everyday. It's not something I'm proud of. But, it's getting a little easier to try to fix it. 

But, I don't know what I want. Making decisions has never been my strong suit. And once I make a decision, I spend the next bit of time I have weighing if that decision was right or not. I will beat myself up so badly that I stop sleeping. Or I'll wake up in the middle of the night and just sit, motionless, seemingly in a state of sleep, but really I'm awakened by my restless thoughts, or the bad dreams I'm having because of my inability to commit to one idea. So, that's why it happens, and I've been walking in my sleep lately too. A couple of weeks ago, I actually crawled out of my lofted bed and woke up in the bathroom. I climbed down a ladder and went to the bathroom before I woke up. But, I digress.

Did I really learn nothing from my parents, though? Did I not figure out how to take their 33+ years as a model for something I want in my own life? NO. To be simple, I did take a lot of what they gave me as an example. I use it to my advantage, but I know that I've let it overrule a lot of what I should let happen naturally. And now, I'm just afraid of making a mistake. I don't want to get to the point of being 50 and looking back and regret staying with the same person for so long, instead of going after something else. 

That's all. So, in response to what people think of me, I'm afraid of making a mistake. And in the midst of that, I keep making mistakes. So now, I'm completely focused on just "being." So whatever that means, that's what I'm committing to. Above and beyond anything else. My apologies have been sent, if they are accepted, I'll be happy. If not, I'll eventually become happy again. If it means I spend the rest of my life single, so be it. If I end up with someone, great. Either way, I'm going to keep myself positive (in the emotional sense) and I'm going to just be who I know I am. 

WTF???

Yesterday, I watched a squirrel pee while perched on a tree. 

I, until this point of my life, have never questioned the lavatorial behaviors of wildlife. 

WOW..... I mean, WOW

Random String of Thoughts...

yes you were right, i'm afraid, afraid to be right, afraid to be wrong, and afraid of myself with you, so much control and power of the situation and even more now, so that's why i live in silence now, i wonder about you constantly, living in a world where i'm allowed to see you but no longer speak to or touch you, dreading each day, maybe i'll see you, more worried that i won't, and i lied, BIGTIME, and denied all of the above, when i should have just been honest with what was going on inside my head, but no, no no no no no no no no no, i'm stupid, and it'll haunt me for awhile, but i'm sure we'll both move forward, and i know i can't take it back, but i still replay the damn video in my head, maybe i was afraid that you weren't REALLY going to give me a second chance, because you were already so skeptical? but maybe, one day, the hopeless romantic inside of me will be able to come out and i won't put him away, and just maybe something will last, and the hunger for more will subside and i won't feel as though i'm settling for what everyone else wants for me, and i'll be able to talk about what my wants and needs as if they are a part of me, instead of something bigger, and something/someone will side with me and feel just as i have, and will give me something to hold on to, or rather, i'll give them something to hold on to, but for now, i will pray for my salvation and redemption and know that one day i will be free...

Life at it's finest.

Everything is confusing. Or, rather, something is confusing for everyone. No one is exempt from this word/world. Yes, I say "word slash world" because it is a word, but the meaning is so much more. 

Some people are confused by inflation. Some people are confused by directions. Other people have bigger confusions in their life such as, Abortion, Voting, etc. These ones are slightly bigger. The realm of confusion exists for the purpose of allowing us to find out who we are. Our innate being. So, while simply ideologies and thoughts confuse us, the bigger issues are the ones that shape our lives. 

However, it doesn't just end there. The confusion begins and a person has no clue how to handle it. They know that it will inevitably shape the outcome of who they are, and once a decision is made, they will be changed. It's in the growing during the decision process that we become our true selves. Adding in the weighted factor of how outside people respond to us during our state of confusion. It's in this process that we truly learn more about ourselves. 

I'm no stranger to confusion. If anyone's ever heard the song "Hot 'n Cold" by Katy Perry, you would think the song was written for me. My grandma used to call me "Contrary" when I was a kid, and to this day, does so on occasion. It's not really something I'm proud of, but it is something I'm aware of. So, having said that, it's probably time to let everyone know that I've been more confused about my life and it's direction this year than ever before. I almost quit acting entirely after several years of growing success. I ended a relationship that wasn't quite right for me at the time, and even if we'd had adequate time before we were separated, I'm not sure we'd have made it. 

I then spent my summer dating a few people. Narrowing it down, I found that I was truly torn. I eventually chose a path to continue forward with, and I'm pretty sure I did the right thing. However, I know there are situations I handled poorly this summer. I could have been more clear with people about what I wanted from the beginning. And in the midst of all of my own personal confusion, I let them get hurt. For that, I'll be forever regretful. I wish I could go back and fix the damage I've caused, but the fact is, I know that I can't, and I'll just have to live with that knowledge. 

So now where does that leave me? Am I free of confusion? Not entirely. But, I'm getting there. Life all about enjoying the process and the journey or something like that, so I'm trying to find my way back to the more enjoyable path I started just a few years ago. And yes, I've made some mistakes, but I can't let those mistakes eat away at me forever, or I'll lose my mind. And I'm sure there will be more confusion headed my way any day now, but hopefully I'll be able to turn to my friends for support and get through it. 

Being around...

1. It's rough waiting for friends to call back. 

2. There isn't enough time in the day.

3. There aren't enough apologies in me to rectify the wrongs I've done. 

4. There is TONS of hope for the future. (maybe I'll figure it out and won't be afraid of it.)

5. It's difficult to come to a fork in the road with a friend and wonder if you should just stop trying with them.

6. It's a curiosity of mine that maybe I'm now treating others as I've been treated by them or people before them. 

7. "Letting you Go" sung by Lauren Kennedy is a song I've never felt more connected with than at this moment. 

I think 7 is enough for today. I could go on, but why bother. You know where I'm at. And I'm still waiting for my "yes."

I know (revised)

"Why is so hard to tell you what I want? Why can't you just read my mind?

I know that I was wrong. I can't tell you that enough. I went through the motions there for a little bit. Maybe it was because I needed to figure out how to prepare myself for you. I lied when I told you that I thought it would have ended in just a few months. It was just my defense for being scared.

So, I returned your books with a rose. Yes I know you get flowers all the time. Trust me, I know how desired you are. I felt stupid sometimes with you because I knew that people looked at me as if they were saying, "how the fuck did you land him?" Trust me. I saw it all. That was one thing you never had to tell me. Maybe I felt inadequate. Usually I didn't, but sometimes yes, I did. Still, it's no excuse.

I played the game. Not because I could, but because I was scared to let go of myself. I am afraid that if I do, I'll get hurt worse than I hurt you. But, that's my issue to get over, not yours. It leaves me now desperate to see you where I always did, and sad when I don't. You've probably moved on. There must have been a thousand boys waiting in line behind me.

And yes. I want to try. Not half assed, but full on. The only problem is, I don't know if you want me to. I scanned your face for a simple sign, but you just sat on your iphone writing your thoughts. So yes, you deserved SO much more than I gave you, but I know it's there. It was never difficult to be with you. Only difficult to be without you and even moreso to hurt you. So then, it's there, just waiting for you to say yes.

(Original Posting)
I know everything I did was wrong.

I know that my timing was off

There's nothing more I can do,

so what's wrong with one small cliche?

I am bad with words so I put them out there

like it's all I have.

I'm bad with voicing the thoughts inside my head.

So much of it is me me me, I I I.

And none of it was you you you.

But that's for me to deal with and sadly, without you.

So, we'll get by and move forward, but from the line we just drew

No more us,

there's just me

and there's just you.

You'll go on and find something better

and I'll be alone, most likely, still searching.

And it's all ok because that's how it is.

We pick up our pieces and move on

And I'm amazed at how I don't learn.

So that's that.

Angels Among Us.

So, I used to have this friend, Julie. We weren't what I would call my bestie, but I felt close with her during my last couple of years in college. She actually was the best friend of my oldest friend. But, that's just sending it around too much. 

Anywho. Julie was a wonderful person. She always had something positive to say, at least to me, about EVERYONE. She was someone that was constantly lighting up a room and convincing people to follow the path they truly felt they needed to be on. She was quite remarkable. I reference her in the past tense because she is, sadly, no  longer with us. 

One of the most kind acts she would bestow upon me, personally, was that she would call me every now and again and just talk. She would extend her warm, caring sympathetic voice with such ease and grace and would just let me know that I had a friend. There was always advice given and her own personal experiences could be shared in such a way that wasn't bragging or showing off, just things she felt relevant to help me out. Coincidentally, these phone calls would occur around times that I felt myself in utter chaos, moments of despair, or just times when I was low. She always found a way to lift my spirits and inspire me to forge the road ahead. 

Well, it's been about a year and a half since she passed on, and one thing I miss tremendously is those phone calls. I still have her number in my phone and occasionally, I will look at her number and wish I could still speak with her. Especially today. Lately, I've just felt so lost and as though I don't know what I'm doing with my life. And so, I looked at her number in my phone and then headed down the steps to board my train to take me back to harlem for the night. As I was sitting on the train organizing my thoughts, a girl got on, and sat across from me. As I studied her, I realized I was looking at someone who looked a considerable amount like Julie. The hair was different and she never would have worn such a trendy "east village" ensemble, but the face and smile and color of hair were almost like I remembered her. 

I know that I've never seen this girl before in my life. My eyes fixated on hers for what seemed like an eternity, and she never broke contact. She looked right back at me as if she could see inside my soul. After only two stops she stood up to exit the train. Just as the doors were closing, she turned back and looked at me and I could see her watching me leave, and it was almost like she disappeared into thin air as the train pulled me away. 

The crazy thing about it is that I felt better almost immediately. It was as if Julie had been there the whole time. I felt warm and tingly inside. It made me think that maybe she is still around watching over all of the people she knew. Protecting them, or just making them feel at ease. The entire scenario was just plain eerie.

I don't know if I believed in angels when I was younger, but I do now. As I've gotten older, I've been in situations in which I believe there was some kind of powerful intervening force protecting me. I also believe there are angels that walk among us to help us along the way. I believe the woman I saw on the train might be one of them. Even though we never spoke, she brought me more peace than I have known in awhile. 

Sobriety Hasn't Changed Your Attitude, So Shut Up and Drink!

A lot of things have happened over the past couple of weeks. But there are a few things that I know.

1. I know I hurt someone. I'm not proud of it. But, I know that I did. I wish I could take it all back, but it's just simply not possible. 

2. I made an easy situation much more difficult than it needed to be. So, for once, I was knowingly the crazy guy. I was the guy that will be shunned by certain groups of people, talked about at parties. You know those conversations. 

"everything was going great until he FREAKED out on me!" Yeah, I'm that guy who freaked out. It was me. Doesn't happen often but it happened. 

3. I'm a product of a super loving environment and I've been blaming all of my bad relationship issues on that. Let me explain. I have parents who have been happily and lovingly married for 33 years. It is so wonderful for me to see that these two people truly do love each other, made a commitment and work through all of their issues on a daily basis. So, given that as a model for how relationships work, one would expect that I'd have no problems with it right? Well, I do. I have a lot. I have a difficult time finding rest and peace at the beginning of a relationship to let it grow and evolve into what I want. Usually, it's not a problem but lately it has been. My most recent bf and I rushed into our relationship FAR too fast. And with someone I was recently seeing, I freaked out (see number 2.) 

4. It is that serious. I dedicate this to someone, you know who you are.

5. I need to get better at making choices. I've made some bad choices lately and not really thought them through as to how they would affect other people. One person was kind enough to call me out on how I was affecting him personally, and I just want to thank him. I'm no longer speaking to him (his choice), but I have a lot of respect for him because he told me pointblank how he felt about what I was doing. 

6. Texting is bad. 

7. AIM is bad.

8. I'm a really great friend, and a really awful bf. At least for now. 

9. There's no possible way to know what's really gonna happen, but it's nice to have some insight as to what you're getting into. 

10. Honesty is only as good as what you put into it. Honesty with no followthrough is Bullshit with an honesty mask on.

Have a good night everyone! I'm finally calling this day officially over and I'll try again tomorrow.

So Much Shit in One Day

Wow, today was a fun one. I love days like this. It's just as if some "wit-fairy" had blessed me with solid one liners right on the tip of my tongue, ready for my usage. It was fantastic.

First, my day began with some fun filming down in soho. Upon finishing slightly earlier than I had anticipated, I wandered into a nearby department store, in which I encountered an old flame. I guess we can call him that. We'll call him Chuck(Not his real name.) Anywho, I saw him and I immediately called his name and we started chatting. Eventually another man joins us named Brett. Brett and Chuck are roommates. I've met them both before, but only have history with Chuck. Chuck turns to Brett and says, "Oh Brett have you met, uh, uh, ----um...."

I realize that Chuck has forgotten my name completely, so I step in. "Hi, I"m Steve." It was clear that Chuck DID however remember my face. So that was a decent sign. However, as we got to chatting away, he kept mentioning things that I remembered, and seemed taken aback by the fact that I did recall mundane details of his life. Anywho, the conversation kept flowing and then Chuck inquired, "So, Seth, where are you working these days?" 

Um, when did my name change? "Well, it's Steve, And I'm working at Blue Smoke." 

"Oh, right, that's just near my office." 

"Yes," I responded, "I remember."

"Wow, Sean, that's so crazy. How do you remember all of this stuff?"

"Once again, my name's Steve. And my mind seems to have and endless capacity for useless information. Hope you have a good one!" With that I just patted his shoulder politely and walked away. Seriously? Twice mistaking my name and me correcting him? I mean really???

Later on, I was at work. I had a bunch of bullshit go down, but one table specifically was noteworthy. 

4 adults, 3 children. The little girl of about 8 inquired about our wiki sticks. It's a toy that comes with a little connect the dots types of thing. The wiki sticks themselves are yarn coated in wax that are bendable. My restaurant, THANKFULLY, does not give out crayons to small infants and children. Anywho, once the girl realizes that she doesn't get crayons, she holds up the paper and asks, "Then why the hell do I have this?" I was shocked, no one at the table was. Parenting 101 people! You're 8 year old just asked a particularly RUDE question and used profanity. You should be concerned! But, of course, they were not. 

After such the question of the day, I figured it would all go more smoothly from there. I was wrong. Upon taking a drink order, I asked if the children should get cups with lids for their beverages. I was told that the kids would be fine with regular adult glasses. Awesome. All the drinks on the table, the two adult men spill 3 glasses of water and iced tea. So I jokingly ask, while cleaning up their mess, "haha, should have I have brought YOU a cup with a lid?" Everyone laughed except the men, which one of them looked at me in all seriousness and said, "That's not funny." Ok, dude, lighten the fuck up. It's just water and iced tea. And I cleaned it up. Yep, me.

And it wasn't done then either. This next part made my skin crawl.

I was setting up their table for dinner, i.e. changing silverware and whatnot, when one of the little boys asked his dad who I was.

"OH, that's the waiter."

"Well, daddy, why is he a waiter?" I'm still not sure why a 5 year old needed to know why I was a waiter, but whatever.

"Well, Son, he probably didn't go to school, so this is the only job he could get." WHAT?!? I mean, WHAT?!? Did I really just hear that correctly? Are you trying to scare your child into going to college or what?

I immediately shot, "Actually, Sir, I did go to college." Which amazingly caught him off guard. He didn't know what to say, so began stumbling over his words. I now had the attention of the entire table. So, my next line was a lie, but it was totally worth it for this douchebag. I went to school yes, but I needed to punch up the caliber of school I went to. So I then said, "I actually went to Harvard." The jaws at the table dropped. I know I know. I didn't really go to harvard. Nor did I ever have the desire to go. But, seriously, think before you speak. You NEVER know who someone could be or where they might have come from. And in the end, yes I lied, but ya know what? I feel SOOOOOOOOO much better for making him feel like shit, because he kind of tried to make me feel like shit. 

Steve 1. Douchebag guy dining at Blue Smoke 0. HAHAHAHA