I have learned much about the dynamics of my family. How we function to help each other, how we love each other, all of that. I have learned a great deal about my friends. What makes them tick, how we relate to one another. I've also learned a little bit of myself. Not that much, but some. But what I've learned nothing about is the way I relate to the people I choose to date.
I am not a product of divorce. I have no heartbreaking tales of how I traveled back and forth from mom and dad's different locations. There was no kind grandmother/aunt/uncle/greataunt/cousin or anyone swooping in to save me from the mess my parents created. My parents actually have a tremendously rich and loving relationship. I'm constantly reminded of how much they love each other. It's in the little things I see they do for each other and the small sacrifices they've made for themselves and my sisters and myself. I know they created a family that I one day hope I can have with my own children. But, is there something I have missed along the way that prevents me from having a successful relationship with someone else?
This year alone, I've had several crumbling relationships with people. They have one common factor; me. I know that I am the problem. I know that I have previously stated to some of my friends that I believe I will eventually be alone in my life. It's the only common thread I have with old gay men who have no one. I won't end up with an insane amount of cats. I won't have some gay-ass sewing circle. There will be no book club/movie club/recipe club of any kind. That's not me at all. I usually look down on that shit.
But, that still doesn't answer why I have such a horrible time staying. I know that I'm a guy and I'm gay. Two things that are working overtime to prevent me from staying in a relationship. But, I want to know why it has to be that way? I'd like to think there's something much deeper going on inside my head that prevents me from being able to say, "yes, I want to be with this one person. Maybe not forever, but for now we can stand still." Maybe it's just that I'm afraid staying still too long will prevent me from moving forward with the personal goals I have for myself. (I'm not trying to sleep with every man on the planet, but... I have goals for what I want for my career and just things I want to accomplish).
I've been accused of being confused, afraid of being alone, and not knowing what I want lately. To the person who said that, you were right, despite my best efforts to dissuade you. And you know it. You saw through me better than most. You were right, though. And you put it in front of my face. I now have to face that big pink elephant everyday. It's not something I'm proud of. But, it's getting a little easier to try to fix it.
But, I don't know what I want. Making decisions has never been my strong suit. And once I make a decision, I spend the next bit of time I have weighing if that decision was right or not. I will beat myself up so badly that I stop sleeping. Or I'll wake up in the middle of the night and just sit, motionless, seemingly in a state of sleep, but really I'm awakened by my restless thoughts, or the bad dreams I'm having because of my inability to commit to one idea. So, that's why it happens, and I've been walking in my sleep lately too. A couple of weeks ago, I actually crawled out of my lofted bed and woke up in the bathroom. I climbed down a ladder and went to the bathroom before I woke up. But, I digress.
Did I really learn nothing from my parents, though? Did I not figure out how to take their 33+ years as a model for something I want in my own life? NO. To be simple, I did take a lot of what they gave me as an example. I use it to my advantage, but I know that I've let it overrule a lot of what I should let happen naturally. And now, I'm just afraid of making a mistake. I don't want to get to the point of being 50 and looking back and regret staying with the same person for so long, instead of going after something else.
That's all. So, in response to what people think of me, I'm afraid of making a mistake. And in the midst of that, I keep making mistakes. So now, I'm completely focused on just "being." So whatever that means, that's what I'm committing to. Above and beyond anything else. My apologies have been sent, if they are accepted, I'll be happy. If not, I'll eventually become happy again. If it means I spend the rest of my life single, so be it. If I end up with someone, great. Either way, I'm going to keep myself positive (in the emotional sense) and I'm going to just be who I know I am.
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