Saturday, June 25, 2016

Riggle me this, Why friendship is bad

I recently confessed my feelings for someone I've known quite a long time. Almost a decade. When we met, he was with someone and I was just out of something with someone else. Obviously the wrong time. We spent a few months together working in a small little town. By the time we finished our job and came back to NYC, he and his boyfriend had split. We remained friends with nothing ever happening between us.

Over the years, we run into one another from time to time and always had a wonderful time together. On my end, at least, there was always a little bit of a crush developing on this man. He's simply wonderful. A really great person with a beautiful heart. Obviously, we both ended up in other relationships, and now it seems it could be the serious plot for a Gary Marshall style rom com. But it's not.

See, the thing is, we kept missing moments in which we could have probably ended up together, but I'm not aggressive enough in those moments to really make them happen. I just let life pass me by without saying a word until it's too late. I even recall my ex telling me how much he hated that I hung out with this guy because he hated the way we looked at one another. I've had friends ask me over the years why the two of us never dated. And this is now where I'm at. I don't know. I simply don't know why we never figured it out.

I know, from my perspective that it could be wonderful. Then again, it might not be. However, going back to the confession, it was met with far less enthusiasm than I'd hoped. I was told, "I see you as a good friend and it's difficult to see you as more than that." Done. I'd rather have had him say I just don't have feelings for you like that. Because this is the thing. Friendship is the best place to start a relationship. If for no other reason than you are already starting something with a foundation built. Trust, respect, honesty. That, in my opinion is the best thing you'd want in a relationship with someone else and why wouldn't you want to risk that. Yeah, you might end up ruining a friendship, but you could end up with someone you never thought possible.

On the flip side of this whole thing, someone recently also came to me and asked me on a date. I've also known this person for a long time and have always navigated around his advances. And the only thing I could say was, "I've never felt that way about you." I felt like I had to be honest about it. I didn't want to say I only see you as a friend, because that can leave open a grey area that I don't want. I finally had to be honest and say, "Look, i'm not into you like that, and I appreciate your feelings, but it has to stop." I had to. Because I'd rather be honest and risk losing someone because of honesty rather than keep them around with false hope.

So, the moral of this whole thing is, friendship can be tricky. There's a reason why straight men and women aren't typically friends, it gets messy. Same goes for the gays, it gets difficult to know if you're being hit on or if you're just making a new friend. But when a long time friend comes to you and expresses feelings, and you know you've been a big part of the flirtation for so long, be honest, don't leave it open ended, and try to be open when you know it could be the best thing that's ever happened to you.


Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Riggle me this, I know not why people hate

Too many times in my life I've experienced hate. Either towards me, or in mass arenas like what we've just witnessed in Orlando. I am sick. I am heartbroken, and I am done.

Seventeen years ago, we saw the horrible massacre at Columbine. And it has just gotten worse. Recently, anti Trump protestors lit bottles on fire and threw them into the crowds of Trump supporters in San Jose, California. In what world is that a rational thought of a behavior that is acceptable? What scares me even more is those people doing that, are on the same side of the political fence that I'm on. And they think they are right. And they are fueled by such a deep hatred of someone that they wish to hurt other people, as if that is going to stop the person they're mad at.

This young man in Florida also hated. Hated so deeply he needed to kill fifty people and then kill himself. Well to him I have this to say. You are a coward. You knew what you did was wrong, so rather than face a consequence after, you killed yourself. You are a coward and not worth it. And here I am writing about him. Because I'm angry. I'm heartbroken, and I'm devastated.

It is too easy to succumb to the hate and the dark inside ourselves. Far to easy to just throw our hands up and say, "You're an idiot and I'm packing up my toys and leaving." It is much harder to offer kindness to someone who doesn't believe the way you do. Well guess what. People on the same side don't agree with each other either. I don't agree with the people for their actions in San Jose. It's not right to hurt other people, and it's against the law. Not only that, they shouldn't have to be reminded of the fact.

There is far too much hate in this world. It is a difficult place to be in for most people to begin with. So why can't we just somehow find a way to be kind to one another? Why can't we love in the name of God, instead of destroy in the name of God? Why can't we use God's name to build simples of hope and love, instead of using his name to claim land and abuse power? And why can't we just accept that we are all deeply flawed individuals and accept that it is not our right to judge the sins of others with a book written thousands of years ago? Why can't we just look at one another and say, "I see you, you may be different than me, but I see you. And you are my friend." Why can't we actually, as adults, act the way grown ups should. Too many times, I see adults scolding small children for actions they themselves exude as an adult. So why is it not okay for a child to have a tantrum, but it's perfectly acceptable for an adult.

I don't know where hate comes from. But I know it needs to end. It just needs to stop. And this whole thing about killing each other. Just stop.




We need to stop killing each other and justifying it by religion or whatever you think makes it okay to kill someone else. Please just stop killing each other. It's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok, it's not ok. Got it?

LOVE is the answer.

and if you need biblical proof...

John 4:7-8

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Riggle me this, Thank you for being a friend...

"Can't we just be friends?"

This question rings true one of my biggest pet peeves ever in the world. Recently, I had a man I was dating state this after I decided to end our dating whatever it was. The conversation went like this.

"I really think you're an awesome guy. I'd love for us to stay friends," he said while devouring a taco. We were having Mexican food.

"That's a really sweet idea," I responded slowly, "but it's not going to happen."

"What? You don't want to be friends with me?" He seemed to be surprised.

"It's not that. It's just that you struggled to get me to commit to more than one day a week with you to date you. How do you think being friends is gonna go down?"

Let me put it more bluntly. There is no way in Hell we are gonna last as friends. I have to be very clear about this. I think remaining friends works for some people. I'm friends with all but one of my exes. There are times and places when it works. My ex from college, we spent almost a full school year as friends before we dated. Cut to three years later, we broke up, and eventually went back to being friends because that's exactly how we started. That's a pretty decent example of when it can work.

But usually, it doesn't. This situation in particular, I couldn't imagine what the hell was going to happen. I could fathom what he thought we would do. Oh, no sorry, we aren't going to work out, but let's have slumber parties and pillow fights, gossip over wine, braid each other's hair and gush over boys??? Are you mad?

So no, I don't want to be friends. No I don't want to see you move on to the next person and be happy. No, I don't want to be bombarded on social media by your new found happiness, when I'm still struggling with "hold the door" from two weeks ago. No, I don't want to deal with you from this moment forward. And finally NO, I don't have to feel bad for not wanting to be your friend. Because this is how it goes. Your life story is from your perspective. You get to write me into it however you want. My life story is from mine. I get to do whatever I want, and feel however I fucking want to feel about it. So no, I won't apologize for not wanting to be your friend. I wanted more from you, and when I don't get that, I reserve the right to have you in my life to whatever degree I choose. And the same goes for you.

So if nothing else, at least I'm learning to choose the better option for myself. If I can't date you when I want to, then I'm going to just walk away. I have friends. I have lots of them, and most of them I don't see as often as I like, so don't expect me to the friends with someone when I don't really want that from you to begin with.
Recently I was seeing a young man who could have changed my life. He is kind and generous and his heart is open. For anyone who knows me, when it comes to dating, mine is seemingly not. But he was gracious with his attempt at being patient with me. We both talked about how easy it was to be with one another. But for me, my hesitation was strong.

See, for me, my heart is much more open than I pretend. Because I am able to fall in love with someone or something every single day. But when you are someone like that, sensitive to the bone, your heart also gets broken a little bit everyday. So when it comes to love, I've stopped trusting my heart. And in doing so, I've missed out on more than one person who could have been significant in my life. Maybe not a lifetime love, but significant nonetheless. And of course, people give me the usual friend speech of "oh he wasn't the right one." Or "you'll know when you find it." Well once upon two separate times, I thought I had. It turns out they were just significant moments in my life. And one of those people is still significant to me now, just in a different way.

So this recent man, had every quality in someone I would like to date. From A to Z, he fulfilled everything I desire in a human companion. Yet I remained afraid. On our last encounter he told me he felt himself falling in love with me. And surprisingly, it didn't scare me away, it made me quite happy. However, in true Steve Riggle fashion, I shut it down. I couldn't let myself take that risk to maybe someone how lose down the line. So I chose to lose immediately before there was too much heartbreak. But the funny thing is now, I've realized the heartbreak is all mine. I'm the one who did it. On the flip side though, just a mere 7 days later I left a message with him(I assumed he didn't want to hear form me) saying that I was wrong and would he forgive me for being an idiot. To which there was a long pause, or a seven day delayed response to be exact. He was now dating someone new, and out of respect of his new relationship, didn't want to really talk to me anymore.

It took him only 7 days after me to find someone else to love! For real? What kind of witch doctor voodoo love potion number 9 bullshit is that?

So there it is. How am I expected to truly fall in love with someone when no one yet has allowed me the time to truly get to know someone? To fully let things happen in a natural and unforced way. The impact someone can make on your life in just a couple weeks is wonderful, but how they impact your life once the honeymoon is over? That's a different story

And here I am. Trying hard to keep myself open to whatever comes my way, but the hope is hard to find. Because it just keeps seeming like everyone is so quick to jump into a relationship without taking the time to make sure the person they're jumping with is the right one.

I've recently seen a dear friend of mine enter into a relationship. A first in the time we've known one another. And watching them take their time getting to know each other, eliminating distractions from the world to explore with one another has been a beautiful sight to witness. Because of how my last relationship failed, I've lost hope. But seeing my friend in their newfound happiness has restored hope for me a little bit as well.

Look, I will put up a jaded front better than anyone I know. And those who know me well know how sensitive I truly am. I believe in love. More than anyone I know. But my hang ups still persist because of the logical mind I was given. So for any future loves, I just request this. Be patient with me. Be kind. Try to be compassionate. And don't be afraid to push me into the unknown with you. I'm a sucker for anyone who doesn't let me give up on myself.

Sounds like a lot right? Well Riggle me this, maybe I am.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Riggler of the day...

I am not living my most fulfilled and valuable life. And I know it.

I want to fix it now.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

A poem for today.

I found some pictures in a box.
A box I hide away.
I click the lock up nice and tight
But somehow it never stays.

I see the face of the man I was
though it doesn't seem like me.
I see the man I was once long ago
and wonder how it could be.

These faces of the men we were.
Are now the signs of strangers
I try to remember the love we had
but all I feel is anger.

You are different now than you were before
And somehow I am too.
You etched yourself right on my heart
my permanent tattoo.

This reminder of what we shared
I can never let it go.
And even though I hide away
I'll forever be on hold.

Do you think of me as I do you?
And the way we used to be?
Or do you run and hide away
Pretending we're now free?

Some days are hard, for sure,
The nights are lonely too.
I can only hope that someday
We both begin anew.

So the box that I can't lock up
I store it behind a chair.
I look inside from time to time
And imagine you with me there.

This box of mine I hide away
And struggle to keep it shut.
Reminders of how close we were
And how deeply I'm stuck in rut

Will the one day we dreamed of ever come?
Or were you lying then?
I hope, I pray, I hide away
And try not to think of when.

So I push the box aside
And erase you from my mind.
As pointless as it may seem
'Cause my love for you is blind.

I've wished you well, you said it back
but did we mean the lines?
I somehow know, in my heart of hearts
You were forever mine.

And I was yours, at least for then
So why can't I let go?
And turn this box inside out
And teach myself to grow?

I'll carry on and you will too
Reminded of the past
Of how scarred we are, from the love we had
And how some things never last.

I'll push the box aside again
and pretend I don't know what's inside.
The memories will drift away
My heart, closing wide.

And back and forth, again, again
The ending is never near.
I'll take whats mine and give yours back,
this box that's filled with fear.

And once again, I'll close it up
Knowing that I won't mind
If some rainy day you come back again
Our hearts again entwined.

So I'm hiding inside this box
Afraid to let it go.
Afraid of what would happen then
And just how big my heart could grow