3

There are three people in my life right now that when I see them, I stop and think. I mostly think about what would have happened if I had been at a point in my life that I could have dated them. How would my life be different? Who would I know? Who wouldn't I know?

The first guy is someone I met in 2007. I saw his then off-broadway show, then met a bunch of people from the cast out for drinks. We flirted kind of, but didn't really meet until a few weeks later. He was the first person that accepted me for not being in a place ready to "date" but wanted to get to know me better. Everyone kept telling me how gorgeous he was, but I just thought he was nice. He was sweet to me. Even now, his show is on b'way, and he's out on injury, is my neighbor, of sorts, we keep in touch via text. i know that if and when I see him, it's a little much to see him out with his bf, because I feel like I could have had that with him. A real relationship.

The next guy I met later that year while spending my summer doing a show in Provincetown. I constantly refer to him as my "puerto rican." He is the reason I still harbor hope that I can date again. We met once, briefly, while he was in town. I didn't really push the issue due to his level of hotness. I figured everyone in town would be hitting on him. But then a month passed, he was back, just visiting, but still, it was a week. Anywho, he and I officially first started speaking outside of what we all called "last chance pizza." It's a pizza place that stays open after the bars do in Massachusetts. It's basically the last chance to get laid for the night. I invited him to come to our hot tub party. He apparently called me, but I missed the call, and whatever. But the point is, we eventually met up. We kind of had a little fling for a week. I can honestly say that he is the reason I have hope for myself in a relationship. 

I spent a long time after my last boyfriend telling myself that I didn't need a relationship to be happy. I kept thinking that all I needed was myself. But this guy, there was just something about him. Maybe it was because I felt that he could take care of me. He was a lot younger than me, but for some reason that didn't matter. I just felt connected to him in some weird way. 

The other guy. Well, it's just difficult really. He's a wonderful person. I still hang out with him on occasion. But, the problem is, well there is no problem. I'm fairly certain things would be great between us if we could just get on the same playing field. He's someone I know from a gym about 3 years ago. Last year, while I was home from tour, he hooked me up with a gym membership. 2 years ago, in P-town, I called him out for working at said gym, but didn't follow through with it the week he was there. Anywho, last year we were supposed to meet up, but didn't because I realized that I was only in the city for a week, and had about 5 months left of tour. How could I even fathom a relationship at that point? But, I came back from tour with a bf, which ended very quickly, and now, well, let's just say he and I are at different places with similar feelings.

Through these 3 guys, I've crossed a different bridge of my life. One of them taught me that I wasn't ready, one taught me I was ready, and one is currently teaching me to let go of what might have been. The truth is, I have no clue what my future holds. I've spent so much time chasing a career that can't be controlled that I've tried to control every other aspect of my life to such a fine degree, I've forgotten that I can have all of this if I really want it. But, the question is now, "do I really want it?"

Well, do I?

Selfish...

selfish

-adjective

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself

A friend of mine just broke up with his boyfriend. I know, I know. It sounds like I'm about to start that whole "a friend of mine" bullshit, when in reality, I'm talking about myself. Well, that is certainly not the case. My friend really did break up with his boyfriend. These things are not easy circumstances to deal with. I'm sure we've all been through the big ones, the not so big ones, and the ones that you can't wait to get out of your life. It all happens. But, no matter what the situation is, the ending isn't always the easiest.

But the funniest thing to me is this. When one person wants the relationship to be over, it usually means it's over. Maybe not always, but generally speaking. And when that person decides that the relationship isn't right for them, because they need something, they are usually called selfish. But what about the people who are desperate to stay in the relationship? Aren't they being selfish by only caring about what they want? Shouldn't they be just as blamed for being selfish by thinking of themselves?

The ends of relationships suck. They hurt.

On the Shelf

I've been up most of the night thinking. I made a decision yesterday based on a balance of power. It's funny. I don't usually think of things in such basic terms with my decisions, but in hindsight of a decision made, I have come to realize that it was made based on a shift of power. And as it turns out, many decision made in my life about based on something other than emotion, it's based on balance. I'm a libra, what more can I tell you?

In a functioning relationship, there is a constant balance of power. Sometimes it shifts and one person has more, and sometimes it's the other person. Eventually, it levels out again. But, what happens when one person tries to pull away from the other person? They immediately assume all upper hand of the relationship. Even without doing it intentionally. One person has one foot out the door and the other person is holding on for dear life. It's not a bad thing, it's actually quite sad. Two people who love each other but can't figure out how to make it work. 

I remember in college watching a movie and for the life of me can't figure out which one, but, I remember looking at my then boyfriend and saying, "I think it's one of the saddest things I've ever seen; two people who love each other so much but can't figure their shit out." I had no idea that I'd be one of those people just a few years later. He and I ended up breaking up shortly after college. We gave it a noble effort, but just got to the point where we had to be honest. It was better for us then to go our separate ways then to keep bashing our heads against a wall.

And now, I'm not sure what I should do. I've found something in someone that I swore I never would. I've become dependent when I vowed I wouldn't. I have allowed someone to come in. Even at times thought of their own needs before my own. Granted not much, because I am selfish. However, something still feels amiss. Something I haven't been able to put my finger on just yet. Does that mean I should throw in the towel? Or should I continue on until I figure that out. But, I feel the balance of power has completely shifted. I don't like feeling as though I have the upper hand now. Not one little bit. I need to be stood up to. I need to be given the ultimatum with the follow through. I need to put pushed back down off of this pedestal. 

For some reason, I've always looked at couples as slightly sad and depressing. There's this whole giving up of yourself, neediness, and dependance they have on one another. It always made me feel sad for them. As if I was judging them for wanting another person to share their lives with. And as much as I've tried to convince myself that I'm immune to that longing/wanting, I'm not. I'm just like everyone else. I do in fact want those things in my life, but when I am ready for them. That time is not now. Or maybe it is, and I'm being blind.

As for my next step, I don't know. A thousand times, I don't know. I wasn't ready for any of this. I know that most of the best things in life happen when you're not ready for them. But, in my own life, I usually put those things on the shelf, if I can, until I am ready for them. But, until then, I don't know how to put things into perspective. 

Where Do I GO

This song is great. I'm not sure if it's an original by Marie Digby or not, and I can't find a decent video on youtube to post, but it's a song I'm obsessed with right now... 

Twenty thousand miles from the place I call home

Twenty some odd years since the day that I was born

And I'm searchin

I'm still searchin' for answers

People often told me to choose a different road

This one can get ugly

Twist and turns to just grow old

But I'm walkin'

I don't care if I'm walkin' alone

And I'm, screaming into the dark

Searching for an answer

Where do I go from here

I, I don't know where I'm headed

Or if this is just a big mistake

But somethin's telling me

That falling down is a chance

I'll just have to take

And I, I'll get on the bus

And put down my bags

And take a final glance

At the only home I've known

At the only home I've ever known

And I'm screaming into the dark

Searching for an answer

Where do I go from here

All of my life

I've been so comfortable

But I always knew

That's there'd come a day

WHen I'd have to get out

Get out

I'm screaming into the dark

Searching for an answer

Where do I go from here

HERE

And I'm standing still

But I can't catch my breath

Or running fast as I can

But going nowhere

Where do I go from here...

Thoughts of the Day...

Sometimes we make choices that we don't fully understand. 

Sometimes we can push away that which we need most.

Sometimes we can block our own progress.

In the end, it will all work itself out the way it's supposed to

If that's not what happens, then what are we supposed to believe in?

Anywho, these songs are just on my mind today.

Forgiven...

I wrote this awhile back and for some reason, I liked it. No one else probably will. And there's really no reason to put this up. But... I am. Just felt the need today. Anywho.

We don't kiss anymore

Is that because you can't?

or you won't.

Because if you did

would I be forgiven?

If I could only hold the curves of your face

touch your hair

hold your big hands.

If only I could kiss you

Touch my breath on yours.

Then all would be ok.

But we don't kiss anymore.

There's nothing I can do

to make it better

Make you want me

Make you feel

what you once did.

But, maybe.

Maybe if we kissed.

I know you can't

You won't

If you did

Then I'm forgiven.

And heaven forbid 

That ever happen

So keep yourself closed

Let everyone "leave you"

I don't want to have left you

I want to come back

I want to touch you.

I want to kiss you.

A new year...

Most people take new year's as an opportunity to start anew. To right the wrongs of their past. To lose the 25 lbs they gained over the past year. To make resolutions they really can't keep. But it all happens on the first of the year. 

I don't do this. My mile marker is my birthday. October 13th. I even have a tattoo of a 13 on my arm. One of the reasons I did this this year, besides any other year, was because I wanted a reminder of a promise I made to myself on my personal new year. And I'm holding true to the meaning of that promise. 

There is a bunch of stuff brewing, I'm not sure if I'm ready for the change, but I'm sure once my body gets used to the weather, I'll be ready to tell you all about it.

Until then, Happy New Year to those that celebrate and start over this way. Stay tuned for an update.