Anyways, in the show I was watching, a woman needed to confront a lot of what was plaguing her. She had wronged a significant amount of people. I think we all get there. Sometimes, we can look at our lives and wonder, "How did we end up here?" It's a wonderful experience to reflect back on the time and places we've gone and the path we've taken. It's very easy to look back and say, "If only I could go back to this specific moment and chose the alternate road." But, that road would take us in an entirely different direction.
There is a musical review with a song that has the lyrics, "I want to see me from where I've begun, but I'm afraid to be, who I am, who I want to become." Another lyric from the same song is, "Do I really want to see, Do I really want to mess it all up to know? Could I be living a life filled with uncertainty, Do I want to grow?" It's so funny because they authors of this song were in college when they wrote it. It makes me smile because I know that I'm still ok to be where I'm at in life.
My closest/oldest/dearest friend and I were talking the other day about mistakes. She told me that no matter what decisions we've made in the past, we've made them, there's not much we can do about that. I know this already, but it's nice to have the update. She went on to tell me that when you truly decide to do something, or change something, then it will happen. Sometimes, in the 7+ years I've known her, I have to remind myself that she is younger than me by almost 2 years. She constantly surprises me with how much of an old wise soul she is. And that I'm fairly new still. I'm smart and sometimes mature, yes, but my soul is relatively new. It's true. And the final thing she said to me once in a text message, and I have it saved so I can constantly look at it. It says "There's nothing I have to have, there's nothing I have to do, and there's nothing I have to be except exactly what I'm being right now." Everyday I see this because I text more than anyone I know. But, it's nice to know that she's always in my thoughts.
So, having said all of that. There's a subject of myself that I have to throw out there. I'm not great with poetry, lyrics of my own, or writing cryptic messages. I'm much better writing in narrative and getting myself just out there. So, I've lied. I haven't been honest, and I've screwed up. But what I've realized lately is that no one can forgive me before they are ready. That beautiful scene in Sex and the City in which SJP tells her friend, "It's all forgiveness." It's all the same. But the thing is this. I don't always feel like I deserve some of the things I've gotten. So I have to start with myself so that I can accept forgiveness if and when it comes. And if I don't receive it from others, at least I can give it to myself. I can deal with that at least.
Yes, I'm a control freak. I always have been. I think I get it from my mom. Not that I dislike my mom, but I get a lot of things from her. It's just natural. But, I'm learning. I'm learning that no matter what, I can get over anything. Or, at least, I can deal with anything. I can buckle down and keep pushing forward. It's just how I was. I know that lately I have yearned for a vacation from my life, but that's the easy way out. I see that now. I have to face the music of my not so wonderful past and just move forward. Friends, lovers, colleagues, family, are all people I've hurt. I know it. I can't do much but send out my heartfelt apologies and hope and pray that I'm forgiven, but sometimes, it just doesn't happen.
And "niceness." Well, it's good to know that people are going to be nice. A drunken text message, a voicemail, email or whatever. It's good to have it. I'll take it for what it is and wish you the best.
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