Yet, the blue on the walls makes me think of the night you came over and helped me paint. The ribbon of brown woven into my blue sheets makes me think of the beauty of your eyes. And if I stop and smell with my eyes closed, I can still smell you on them.
Almost everything in life seems to remind me of you, yet I am not on board. I don't know why.
This morning I went to the gym and I saw another "you." A different "you." One I hadn't seen in awhile, and while I looked, I realized my mistakes, yet again, and wished for a different outcome. I used to wish I had made different choices to have kept that "you" in my life, but now I wish I had made the right choices to have only known "you" as a friend. We tried to be friends, but it almost seemed as if I were still despised and could never be seen for who I truly am. I was hidden from others as if it were a big secret we were hanging out. So, we can't be friends just yet. Maybe one day.
There are more "you's" in my life than I wish, but the number isn't what matters to me. I sit here now and I think about something that happened to me on Wednesday. I worked a party at my job for a religious group. I know that sounds, most likely, very corny, but, sometimes I think that life presents you with situations that you need to have. But, I digress. There was a moment when a man got up and spoke. Everything he said are things that I have known, but for some reason, that day was the day that I knew I needed to pay attention.
He talked about love. He said that the only way to never get your heart broken is to never give it away. You keep it locked up in a casket and eventually it becomes impenetrable and unbreakable. People do this for many reasons, but as Christians, we need to be able to give of ourselves because that is the nature of what we are here for. To love and cherish our brothers (and sisters, i suppose). We need to make ourselves vulnerable to truly understand each other and to truly love one another. And while this is a scary thing, it's the right thing to do.
It was when I heard him speaking, while blocking out the Christian bits, I realized that I've always had my heart locked away. Even as a child I did this. I remember being young and always knowing that my parents loved me, but not knowing really how to love them back. Even now, I think that I'm still a little hesitant about it. Yet, I know that I was affectionate. I LOVED hugs, (and still do if anyone ever wants one) and gave them frequently. Yet, there always felt some sort of guard I had up.
In college, I dated a "you" that, luckily, I'm still very close friends with. He always said to me, "I love you and I can tell you love me, but there is just this little part of your heart that you're keeping to yourself and I don't know why I don't get to have all of you." I knew then that I was keeping it all to myself because I didn't truly think I had found "the one." Good lord, that dreaded thought. How awful to meet someone who wants nothing more than to love you for the rest of your life! How terrible!
What's even more weird is how I have really close friends that, at times, I don't feel truly know me. And vice versa. However, we all love each other dearly and such, but it's just this tiny little feeling that we don't really know each other as well as we may have thought. It's not a bad thing, it's just the nature of life sometimes. Or maybe it doesn't have to be. Maybe it's ok if we open ourselves up to others. Maybe it's ok to start trusting our friends. Maybe it's ok to let them obsess about little details we think might be prying, but they feel it's just being concerned. Maybe it's ok to let them love you. And maybe, just maybe it's ok to let them go.
I don't know. Some days I'm sentimental and weep at the dumbest thing. The next day I'm hard and closed off and don't know which way is up or down. And then there are the days like today, when I am depressed for no reason, want nothing more than to be loved, and feel so empty. These are the days that are the most difficult. They don't seem to last long, but when they hit, they hit hard.
I had a conversation with an ex recently. He said to me, "A cute guy is in love with you. Yeah, your life is SO hard."
The spirit of that conversation has in a way, kept me in check. I know it might have been difficult for that particular ex to say that to me, as he was referencing someone else, but, I don't know. When someone is perfect for you in every way imaginable, you expect it to just happen. But what happens when you're still conflicted about what you want, know that you love him, but still just might not be willing to let it happen just now? What do you do then?
I know there is someone out there who loves me. I know him by name. I know him by face, smell, touch, sound, every sense that we know. I feel him with me, in my heart, but I still hesitate. I wonder if I'm making a mistake by keeping him around and not setting him free. I wonder constantly about him. Things that just keep me more and more conflicted everyday. It's tiresome and it's boring. And for now, I leave it at that. It's unknown, it can't be controlled, it just has to be. And if I can't just "be" with it, then I have to leave it behind.
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