Yesterday, I hung out with my ex. It was fun. Also, great to see him. However, something just seemed weird. It wasn't that whole, "oh my god, i'm hanging out with my ex, this is so weird, what if we hook up?" It was just weird and a little sad.
(Quick history. He and I had been very close friends for quite awhile, then dated for a brief stint, then broke up. Between the break up and seeing each other yesterday, 5 months had passed.)
What was the most weird is that it was so wonderful to see him, but our friendship dynamic was off. It's the opposite feeling of when you have a close friend who you don't see for two years, then when you do see them, it feels like no time has passed whatsoever. You just fall back into your old routines. Well, with this situation, it couldn't happen. I don't know if it was us hanging in NYC, which we never really got to do, or the fact that I was pressed for time, or he was only here for a day, or whatever, but I realized that we're going to have to have more time before our friendship is there.
It got me thinking about other relationships I've had in my life and how funny it is how they go wrong, or why, or when. Or how you can have this trait or habit that in the beginning or for the duration of the relationship, your partner/gf/bf/husband/wife/commonlawspouse/whathaveyou thinks it's adorable. They just can't get enough. But, the second the relationship is over, it's something they can focus on as being the most annoying thing about you. Or how your behavior was seemingly cute at the time will turn into a psychotic ex behavior once it's over. Or sometimes, one of you that ruins the relationship realizes the mistake(s) you made and want nothing more to repair it, but the other person just won't hear it. And even though you both know that the other is constantly on your mind, they just won't have anything to do with you.
When I was in high school. I dated a guy for a period of time, and somewhere in there was a breakup. It was good, but it took me several years to realize the break up was a good thing for me. But, immediately following, I became someone I never wanted to be again. Hell, even during the relationship, I was someone I promised myself I'd never be again.
But the thing is that I let someone have so much control over who I was. I let go and loved someone with all of me. I mean, come on, I was in high school, and it's how everyone is the first time they fall in love. It felt good, but it was scary. And so quickly it was over. But, I promised myself I'd never do it again. So, over the years, I've opted for dating people that didn't make me feel like that. I pick people who let me have the upper hand, because when I feel like I don't have it, or I'm on even playing field, then I can't help but feel helpless and oh my god, what would happen if I actually fell in love with someone? The world would end.
Well, recently, for the first time in about 10 years, I started feeling that way again, but I fucked it up. Royally. It doesn't matter how, or who. But I did. And there's a small, sometimes daily reminder in my life that I can't get rid of. It's a physical reminder that I have no control over. But the reminder is there, little signs here and there that make me think of it. And maybe that's the real reason I've been so down lately is I'm in mourning a little over the whole situation.
But the problem isn't with that so much. It's in what I'm coming to realize that I do in the other situations. The ones where I have the upper hand. It's that no matter what, I will only experience love to a certain level. I had a boyfriend in college who I dated for just over three years and he always told me he felt like I only let him in a certain amount. And he was right. Because he wasn't someone who I could just lay my guard down for. I should have, and wanted to, but it wasn't the right time. Funny how we all have an instinct for that.
And what makes me sad is when I know that my love isn't full. And most likely won't ever be. I've dated people in which I knew I couldn't love them as much as they wanted me to. It's not an easy situation to be in. It doesn't mean that I don't care about them, it just means that something isn't right for me.
There is something out there that is right for me. I just need to find it. Maybe I already have, or maybe I haven't, but I know it's there.
1 comment:
Love like you've never been hurt before. It's the only way to fly.
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