What I want.

For a long time, I thought someone was writing about me. It turns out they weren't. And when I finally figured it out, it kind of hurt some, but I know I'll be fine. I know that I held onto something much longer than I needed to, but like I said, I'll be fine. 

Relationships can be tricky. Sometimes weird. But, what's funny is that when it's over, you find things you miss that you never realized at that moment. Well, I know that I did, so I can't say that people don't realize these moments as they're happening. I miss being made breakfast. I miss chugging a bottle of wine while watching a shitty horror movie and then having sex and cuddling all night. I miss someone reaching for me that I didn't think would like me in the first place. I miss nights of sitting on the terrace and reading. I miss someone calling me on my bullshit. I miss you hugging me and telling me how you missed me, but in that moment thinking, "wow, this person likes me. how did I ever get so lucky?" 

But, all that happens before I fuck it up. Yup, I am officially the guy you're mother warns you about. I'm the one who will break your heart, so it's better that you don't fall in love, because I won't fall in love back. I just don't. I can't explain it. I know that I am capable of loving. I know that I have walked away from love twice this year. Once was a mistake(left because I was in love-still dealing with it), and once was a necessity(we just couldn't get on the same page). I don't enjoy breaking people. I don't revel in the fact that I am more comfortable being single and alone than I ever have been in a relationship. I do regret some choices, however. I regret not being more honest with my college boyfriend. I regret not telling my first boyfriend to go and fuck himself, meanwhile holding onto the thought that he'd come back to me. But, that was high school, and it's ten years later, so who's holding on? HAHA. I regret letting one situation go to far. I regret dating someone for his benefit and not mine. I regret that I've lost motivation to keep myself going after a career that seems failed. (however, i'm much more positive these days.) And I regret not making you breakfast the last morning I spent with you. I don't regret pushing forward for what I want, however, I'm sure one day I'll regret telling someone how I really feel about him, but when you don't feel the same, you just don't, so I can't keep forcing something that's just not there. 

There are some people who believe things about me to be untrue. There are others who are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well to those who believe the untrue, stop believing. I've already told you the truth. And to the one who's waiting for the other shoe, it's not coming. Why? Because I told you everything. It's up to you to decide. To those who think I will change one day, I won't. Well, maybe I will. Maybe we just weren't meant to be. But, I can't sit by and watch you with me anymore. I can't let you keep thinking things will get better between when they won't. It's not fair.

And to others. I have enjoyed shopping and experiencing life with you. Hearing about your troubles and trials and all that. But, when you're ready to hear mine, then I'll be ready for you. Or maybe I'm ready now and I'm just to sinister to notice. For now, I'm content being single. I might not always feel that way, but why not wait for what you want? And since I don't know, I wait.