Things.

There are so many things that go on in my head that I know if I said them out loud, I doubt I'd have anyone at all to call my friend. Not that I think bad things about my friends, but I just think about a lot of inappropriate stuff. Just something that goes on. But I'm curious to know, what would happen if no one had a filter. If every thought someone had would come out and the people involved in those thoughts would hear them. What would happen? Would there be more fights in the world? Would there be more love? Fear? Anger? Pain? Pleasure? I'm curious.

Everything else seems so jumbled to me right now. I can't help but blame myself, but then again, I can't seem to move forward. I'm stuck in a rut and we all know it, but the rut is the extension of my hip that I can't seem to get rid of. I can't seem to find some kind of peace without it meaning something different to everyone. I can't seem to get certain actions out of my head. I keep replaying the entire day in my mind. There's so much of me you don't know, and you can't know because I won't let you. Because I don't want you to. There is no other reason besides that. It's selfish and mean, but it's real. So by telling you that much, does that mean I'm letting you in? Or pushing you away? Who knows? Is what we did wrong? Would it be so bad to go back down that road? To maybe find something we missed? I can't shake it, and it seems you can't either. But, I'm still unhappy with myself. So, where does that leave us? Talk, no talk, talk, no talk. Make up your mind. 

Is my timing bad? Am I the third thing? I wonder how much more I can "be there" before I crack. I want things to be right so much, but where do I draw the line? When do I stop saying, "you" and start saying, "me." What is it I'm searching for? If I found it, would I let myself keep it? Would I ruin it, then try to get it back again? If I find some kind of energy on my own, does that mean I was right? If I say, "no" does it mean what I think it will?

All of this, then I think of the fact there is a woman named Diana Urrea, and I smile to myself, because I bet she has a harder day to get through than I ever will.