Friday, October 31, 2008


OMG! Am I really in NYC?????

(Hint about my cosutme tonight-can you figure it out?)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Just something to think about...

"The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created, created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them changes both the maker and the destination." John Schaar

Just a little something I've been thinking about. Anyone can chose their own adventure. Anyone can bring on a companion. Anyone can push someone overboard, and anyone can switch paths in the middle of their course. It's an interesting ebb and flow of life and when it hits you like a ton of bricks, it can be enlightening.

Just when you think...

It's been a weird week for me. I'll write more about it later.... but it's just, for lack of a better word, weird.

Monday, October 27, 2008

It all adds up...

It all adds up. I watched a show today. What was interesting about it is they did equine therapy. For anyone who's never seen the Sandra Bullock movie "28 Days," equine therapy is done to teach one about the patterns they have in life. This was something I already knew about before I saw the above mentioned movie. I just happened to forget all about it. So it kind of reminded me of a few things.

Anyways, in the show I was watching, a woman needed to confront a lot of what was plaguing her. She had wronged a significant amount of people. I think we all get there. Sometimes, we can look at our lives and wonder, "How did we end up here?" It's a wonderful experience to reflect back on the time and places we've gone and the path we've taken. It's very easy to look back and say, "If only I could go back to this specific moment and chose the alternate road." But, that road would take us in an entirely different direction.

There is a musical review with a song that has the lyrics, "I want to see me from where I've begun, but I'm afraid to be, who I am, who I want to become." Another lyric from the same song is, "Do I really want to see, Do I really want to mess it all up to know? Could I be living a life filled with uncertainty, Do I want to grow?" It's so funny because they authors of this song were in college when they wrote it. It makes me smile because I know that I'm still ok to be where I'm at in life. 

My closest/oldest/dearest friend and I were talking the other day about mistakes. She told me that no matter what decisions we've made in the past, we've made them, there's not much we can do about that. I know this already, but it's nice to have the update. She went on to tell me that when you truly decide to do something, or change something, then it will happen. Sometimes, in the 7+ years I've known her, I have to remind myself that she is younger than me by almost 2 years. She constantly surprises me with how much of an old wise soul she is. And that I'm fairly new still. I'm smart and sometimes mature, yes, but my soul is relatively new. It's true. And the final thing she said to me once in a text message, and I have it saved so I can constantly look at it. It says "There's nothing I have to have, there's nothing I have to do, and there's nothing I have to be except exactly what I'm being right now." Everyday I see this because I text more than anyone I know. But, it's nice to know that she's always in my thoughts. 

So, having said all of that. There's a subject of myself that I have to throw out there. I'm not great with poetry, lyrics of my own, or writing cryptic messages. I'm much better writing in narrative and getting myself just out there. So, I've lied. I haven't been honest, and I've screwed up. But what I've realized lately is that no one can forgive me before they are ready. That beautiful scene in Sex and the City in which SJP tells her friend, "It's all forgiveness." It's all the same. But the thing is this. I don't always feel like I deserve some of the things I've gotten. So I have to start with myself so that I can accept forgiveness if and when it comes. And if I don't receive it from others, at least I can give it to myself. I can deal with that at least. 

Yes, I'm a control freak. I always have been. I think I get it from my mom. Not that I dislike my mom, but I get a lot of things from her. It's just natural. But, I'm learning. I'm learning that no matter what, I can get over anything. Or, at least, I can deal with anything. I can buckle down and keep pushing forward. It's just how I was. I know that lately I have yearned for a vacation from my life, but that's the easy way out. I see that now. I have to face the music of my not so wonderful past and just move forward. Friends, lovers, colleagues, family, are all people I've hurt. I know it. I can't do much but send out my heartfelt apologies and hope and pray that I'm forgiven, but sometimes, it just doesn't happen.

And "niceness." Well, it's good to know that people are going to be nice. A drunken text message, a voicemail, email or whatever. It's good to have it. I'll take it for what it is and wish you the best.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Looking forward...

I have this idea.... It's about watching the eleven o'clock news. But what you're watching is somehow a clip of your future. You see the eventual ramifications of your choices you've made that day. If only we could see what would happen, we'd never make the wrong choice. Because we'd get to see the outcome before we had to experience it. 

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. We have to wait and see if we made the right choice or not. If I had a new program like the one I just mentioned, I would have done things so much differently this year. If only everyone else could have seen what I did.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Pigeons and Luck

Today I was walking west on 20th street in NYC, completely enjoying the brisk day. I had really great music on, and was kind of strutting down the street. I looked up and saw a pigeon flying around and thought nothing of it. I stopped for a brief moment to look at my ipod to change songs and WHAAAAAAAAAACK! The damn pigeon flew right into the side of my head, knocking me off balance and sent it flying weird for a few before it settled on the ground, righted itself, then flew off. 

Seriously, about 25 people were around me, all of which were either laughing or trying to make sure I was ok. I was fine, but a little embarrassed. I mean, a damn diseased pigeon just flew into my head, part of which was my face. GROSS! 

Now, there's this theory about birds and such shitting on your head being a sign of good fortune. Does that same rule apply when one slams into your head?

I certainly hope so.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Am I?

I'm still awake at 130. 

It's not that late, 
but i got in at 12. 

So, why am I destined to stay awake and think about things too far gone to repair?
Am I going to constantly struggle to balance it all out?
Am I going to throw in the towel and go home?
Ugh to my life,

I need a vacation.
I need to switch, but that's a small problem.
I know I miss it. More than I should. I don't want to do what I'm afraid I'm going to have to do.

AM I ever going to get a fucking vacation?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Rants of the week.

So much has been going on, and I just dont' really know where to begin. Good things and bad. So I'll just start listing them.

1. Hate that I have ill feelings towards some of my friends because things get miscommunicated. 

2. I hate that I used to love going to the gym, and now, I just feel, well, it's a rough time sometimes.

3. I waited on Star Jones today at my restaurant. Turns out she's one of the sweetest and most polite people ever. Guess that the view must have just shown her bad sides? Not sure.

4. I'm 28!!!! everyday getting closer to 30. I hope when I hit it, I'll have a lot more figured out.

5. I'm getting a flu shot tomorrow, and I'm a little sick now, so not sure if I should. I'm a little bit scared. Any thoughts anyone?

6. I have all of this music from this summer that I rarely listen to, but can't get rid of it. Sometimes I get a little sentimental. 

7. It's getting much colder in NYC and i can't find a goddamn winter coat to save my life. Who wants to go shopping with me???

8. I have felt guilty for having ill feelings towards some of my friends. I actually thought about just letting the friendships fade away. Today, I realized that it's probably not the best way to handle the situation. Maybe it'll just work itself out and I'll have to accept that some of my oldest friends are now strangers.

9. I hate even numbers, so I had to write 9 things. And 9 should be enough, right?

Song... Just deal...

So, I heard this song this summer and I didn't really like it, but it came on my ipod yesterday and I haven't been able to stop listening. 

It's been ten years of investment
It's been one foot in and one out
It's been four day of full of shit
And I feel snuffed out

It's been 33 ears of restraining
Of trying to control this tumult
How I did invest in such fantasy
But my nervous system has won out

I feel done
I feel raked over coals
And all that remains is the case
That it's a bitch to grow up

I've repeated this dance ad nauseam
There's still something to learn that I've not
I totally see this is divine perfection
But my bones don't feel this perfection

I feel done
I feel raked over coals
And all that remains is the case
That it's a bitch to grow up

I've spent my life hovering above bottom
Thinking I can't survive what below
But I've known through the kicking and screaming
That there was no other direction to go

I feel done
I feel raked over coals
And all that remains is the case
That it's a bitch to grow up.

"It's a bitch to grow up" by alanis morissette

Friday, October 17, 2008

So Much To Say

There's so much for me to say right now, but everything is happening too fast for me to catch up. When I've collected my thoughts, I'll be back with some good shit for you people who actually read this. I think there's about 2 of you. BUt i'll be off for a bit, but it's all just brewing in my head for now...

Monday, October 13, 2008

Happy Birthday to me??

So, today is my 28th birthday. One would think that in 28 years of living, one would learn something, right? Well, I haven't. So today I'm making a new start on the next year of my life. I have one thing I want to do; I want to be a better person. This means starting to say yes instead of no. It means thinking of other peoples needs, not necessarily before my own, but just to consider them. I made a mess throughout my 27th year and I am promising to make this one a little bit better. So, i hope my friends will help me along the way, as they always do, and it'll be the best year I've ever had.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008


My grandmother sent me this forward a couple of years ago. What's funny about this is that I received it a few months after someone had broken up with me for being too negative. Well, that's what he said. I actually didn't believe him when he told me, but after reading this forward, I changed my mind, and my life. And lately, I've been down in the dumps, but I stumbled upon this and sent it to a friend that's been down as well. I didn't realize that I needed it too.

So here it is.

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curiuos, so one day I went up and said, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He cooly replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'You have two choices today. You can choose to be in good mood, or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose the good mood.

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim, or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining, or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," he said, "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or a bad mood. The bottom line; it's your choice how you live your life."

I reflected on waht he said. Soon hereafter, I left eh Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard taht he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with tods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins! Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter. Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered taht I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I coudl choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

He continued, "The paramedics were great! They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on teh faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?"

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'GRAVITY!' Over their laughter, I told them, ' I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also becuase of his amazing attitude. I learned from that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. And today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

I am so happy that my grandmother sent me this. It's something I've saved for over two years now, and luckily for my friend having such a hard time with life, I re-read it and remembered something most valuable.

On top of that, it occured to me this year that I'm someone you'd call a planner. I worry about my future instead of worrying about today. I've always been told, "you need to live more in the moment." It's funny that this year, I met someone who touched my life briefly. He has a tattoo that says, "in the moment." And what's funny is that I am completely unable to. And though the encounter with him was a short one, he completely changed the course of my life. And I'll never forget that simple tattoo.

So, it's good I have the memories and the faith to push forward through now to be able to enjoy tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A Kiss.

This summer I received a text. It was one of the most beautiful I've ever received. Up until a week ago, I had it locked so I'd never lose it, but somehow I managed to erase it. But... I'm putting it up so I'll never forget. 

"A kiss can heal a million pieces that words could never fix."

At least that was how I remember it. I'm sure it's slightly off, but maybe it's true. Maybe that's all I need.