Sunday, January 23, 2011

RIggle me this, Shitheads!

Ok, so a lot has been going on and I've done little or nothing about keeping everyone informed of the idiocy that I'm faced with on a daily basis.

First up, let's begin with my bar and what happened with a wonderful old couple sat at one end on a random saturday afternoon. I said hello to them and they said hi back. Right off the bat, things looked good and everything seemed ok with them. Nothing too out of the ordinary. Then the man ordered a drink.
"Yeah, I'll have a blood orange margarita. No salt, and ice on the side."

Me: "Ok." Then I hesitated. Because ice on the side could mean several things, so I ask, "would you like the drink chilled at all? or just straight no ice?"

Him, "No ice at all."

I said, "ok," and went about making the drink. As I was making it, he looked at me and asked, "would you like to know why I want it that way?" "No, I don't," was the first thing that popped into my head, but it wasn't like I could avoid his next statement.

"See, it's like when I'm at McDonald's and I order a coke. If I let them make it with ice, I don't get as much soda as when I ask for it with ice on the side. Well, it's the same thing here. This way I get more alcohol. Aren't I smart?"

At this moment, I wished sooooooooo badly that I could have been mean to him. Not only was he wrong, but just overall stupid. However, I made a huge mistake that I wish now I could take back. I said to him, "actually, you get the same legal amount of alcohol regardless of how much ice is in it." I think about this statement now and I just wish I could go back and hit myself over the head before the words escaped my lips. Because it opened the flood gates of an old man yelling at me about how he was right.

After a few minutes of listening to this, I smiled and said, "ok," then went to get his beer. On my way back to deliver it, he was telling his wife about how he expects people to just make the drinks the way he asks, and "i can't believe they always just try to tell me how it is, and I just want a drink made the way I want it without question, is that so much to ask for?" Apparently it is, if you're mistaking telling people your opinion for them schooling you, you ass-tard.

But, it gets better.

He goes to order. Two things. That's it, just two items off the menu. But, he told me about 4 or 5 times what he wanted as to ensure my stupid-ass wouldn't forget in the amount of time it took me to turn around and ring it in. And then, to make it worse, I asked him, "will you be sharing this?" because his wife hadn't ordered anything. His response? Oh it was amazing.

"Nah, she's too fat, she doesn't get to eat."

Priceless. Stupid AND a charmer. I mean, what??? Was he serious? I honestly couldn't tell, and his wife just sat there not saying anything so great, she's an idiot too. Man, this guy must be loaded to put up with that much bullshit. I mean, come on! And to make it worse, when I gave them their requested bill, he looked at me and said, "you'll have to get money from this bitch(indicating his wife), I don't pay for service."

I just made an awkward face and said, "ooooooooookkkk"

I mean, what else was there to do?

Shithead number one.

Shithead number two came in the form of an old lady who lives on my street. This afternoon she decided to tell me a thing or two about raising my dog.

I took him on a relief walk (for non pet owners, it's a short walk intended for them to do their bathroom business and that's it, a normal walk is just for exercise). So, as I was walking him, this lady approached me and asked if she could pet him. I said yes without even thinking because hell, she was so nice already. Then the shoe dropped.

She said to me, "I see you and the other guy walking him a lot, and i just think it's sad that this cutie has such irresponsible owners to just walk him without a coat. It's so cold outside."

I thought she was kidding. I was stunned.

She went on, "you see, a dog like this only has one coat of fur and it's like human hair, so he's really really cold."

Still shocked, I replied angrily and yelling, "Are you kidding? He has two coats, he's not like some 5 lbs little Yorkie. Mind your own business, you bitch! I'm not irresponsible? Who the fuck are you?"

To which she told me that if she saw my dog again without a coat on, that she would call the cops on me.

I mean, for real! Several things about this bother me.

1. My dog has two coats of fur, trust me when I tell you how nervous I am for spring when he sheds his undercoat. It won't be cute at my apt.
1a. Mind your own business.

2. It's not a legal issue to put or not put a coat on a dog when it's cold outside.
2a. Mind your own fucking business.

3. Mind your own business.
3a. Oh yeah, mind your own business.

And there you have douchebags of the day.

Riggle me that!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Riggle me this, Jumbled slew of information.

IT's be a little bit since I've written anything, but it seems like nothing major has been happening. But it has been! Hooray!

So, I've been writing scripts lately. And immediately upon finishing them, I've been sending them to Matt to read. It's kinda nerve wracking. So, last week, I finished a script that I wrote in my bedroom, and emailed it to Matt, who was in the living room. Not wanting to be around while he read it, I stayed in my room. A few minutes go by and I hear Matt laughing. Not just laughing, but loudly giggling. "This is great," I thought, "what I wrote is really funny!" I was so proud of what I wrote. I couldn't believe it. So fast forward to a few minutes later and Matt comes to tell me that he liked my script a lot. I asked him which part he was laughing so hard at. His response? "Oh, I saw something my mom wrote on Facebook." My ego was crushed.

A few days ago, I came home to see a few women standing at the elevator door banging it. My first thought was that hitting the door wouldn't really help. A few minutes later, I came back downstairs and saw a new group of people hitting the door again. Not the same ones, but new people. And i just thought to myself, "what do they think? That there is some little elevator monkey churning a crank and hitting the door will alert him more than pushing the button will?" I just want to pass by and not see people hitting a door.

Then, last night, I was at the bar and a girl ordered a glass of wine and a beer. So I set them down and told them that it would be $14. They looked very puzzled. So I waited for them to pay and one of them, very confused, asked, "are the $7 each?" I replied, "no the beer is 5 and the wine is 9." They paid and still looked very confused. So then about twenty minutes go by and the girl with the wine looks at me and says, "I'm sorry, I"m really confused, but the board up there behind you says this wine is five dollars, did you guys change your prices?" Now, I was the one that was confused. I turn and look behind me at the board and it said Wishing Tree Shiraz '05. I looked back at her and said, "Oh that's the year, not the price" She responds with, "the what?" I told her, "that's the vitange." Again, she seemed a little bit confused. Now, I know I promised I would be nice this year, and I was nice to her, but I still couldn't shut of my head. I was so embarrassed for her, I couldn't stand it! I mean, who has glasses of wine for $5? And further more, we have vintages that are '04, so who would sell wine for $4? So, I couldn't really control my laughter. I felt bad. So then, about twenty minutes later, she pulled one of the bartenders aside and said, "Can you please tell that guy(me) that I wasn't embarrassed?" um, what??? Ok, first of all, you should have been embarrassed and if you weren't, you should be now because you had to proclaim that you weren't. I mean, what?

People are stupid.

Riggle me that!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Riggle me this, New Year!

Happy happy new year!!!

I hope everyone who actually reads this doesn't mind a little positivity coming your way. I've decided to be nice. Yes, I've actually made a new year's resolution. I never believed in them before and usually I tend to make a resolution on my birthday as opposed to the new year, but I'm trying something new.

So, I've made this resolution to be nicer. I know, some of you are wondering how someone as sweet as myself could get any nicer, but trust. I can. And now that I've made this resolution, I'm having more problems than ever. I can't stop the meanness in my head. It's like the moment I committed to be nicer, the funniest and meanest shit pops into my head.

And it's not like I can control it, but, for real, the universe is not without a sense of humor. I get it. You give me wit and cleverness when I can't do anything about it.

In other events, I had to work on new years eve, which was fine with me because I saw, after work, what I missed out in the big scary world of NYC.

Seriously, it was hilarious. I left work around 1:45 AM and saw immediately near my restaurant a woman puking in the snow. She was wearing high heels, a skirt a bra and an open trenchcoat. Somehow in the course of the evening she, like Michelle, couldn't find her top.

Then a few blocks over, closer to the 1 train on seventh avenue, a very large man wearing only a speedo and flip-flops was also puking in the snow.

Somehow I missed the memo on scantily clad snow puking. I mean, who sends those out, Mark Zuckerberg? Is he in charge of this?

So then, the next morning, the first day of the year, of course I have to work! So I get on the subway to head downtown. I select the last car on the train and, as per usual, it's empty. Except one man, who is dancing around in the car. I get on anyways and just figure I'll stick to myself.

This man became the most amazing thing I've ever witnessed on the subway before. He was dancing with his backpack in the crook of his arm like he was holding a handbag. His backpack had his initials embroidered on it with a sign on it saying, "if you find me lost somewhere please return me to this address." And obviously there was an address, but i couldn't read it clearly.

As we traveled, more and more people boarded the train and simply pretended that this man didn't exist. I mean, why would anyone pay attention to an adult man dancing? But then he begain singing and quoting movies from the forties and fifties. Then, out of nowhere, he started shrieking in this high pitched voice, "Judy! Judy Jetson!" He kept on talking and somehow got from Judy Jetson to Judy Garland and said, "Judy's dead. there's not place like home, there's no place like home!" And with that, he began clicking his heels together! I was in heaven. Seriously, this was actually happening. I was losing my mind.

Then, a woman seated across from me pulled out a bag of pretzels to give to her daughter, and suddenly his high pitched voice thing stopped and he said, in his regular, deep voice, "Oh, may i have a handful of your pretzels please?" Of course she gave him some, because I mean, how do you not? So, he got the pretzels and continued dancing and still, STILL, most of the people on the train were ignoring this man. I seriously do not understand how they could.

And with only one stop, for me, to go, he sat down next to me and asked so politely, "do you mind if I watch you play your video game, sir?" I died. I was pissing myself at this point, i mean, what?

So I have decided that this man is either autistic, or is the greatest actor to ever live, because it was genius.

And I've concluded that 2011 is going to be a great year because of this day.

Riggle me that!