Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Riggle me this, I clean because i love?

So, when I was younger, and, I mean, YOUNGER, I lived for going back to school. Getting school supplies was my favorite thing in the world. By the beginning to middle of August, I would have all of my pens, paper, notebooks, and if possible my textbooks for the year. Yeah, I know, I'm a school nerd. BIG TIME! Don't judge. I loved, and still do, learning and yes, I getting a fun tingle in my belly when I see a sale at Staples. Call me any name in the book you want, and I promise I'll just smile it away, because I love school supplies.

The past few years though, I've found my love for school supplies to be as strong as ever, but something new has come around with it; cleaning supplies. Well, more specifically, basic cleaning supplies. I know, I know, I'm old. And most of you would say it's just because I'm all coupled off and stay at home all the time. But, you'd be wrong. This love affair has been building since I was about twenty-four or twenty-five, long before I even met Matt. So, yeah. Take that judgey mcjudgies.

Anywho, if you need advice on how to clean anything in your apartment, or house for that matter, you really need only a few things to clean anything. Windex (not to be like the dad from MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, but Windex clean everything!), Mr. Clean Magic Erasers, a broom, a swiffer wet-jet, and a vacuum. That's it. Well, maybe some paper towels too. But seriously. There is no need to go by all of the harsh odor chemically bullshit priced cleaning supplies to get everything done. And, yes, I'm well aware that I sound like some sort of desperate housewife in need of a good lay, but I think cleaning is a wonderful wonderful thing and everyone needs to know about it.

Two days ago, after about two years of battling with my shark hand-vac and being dissatisfied with my always almost clean rug in my living room, I purchased a real honest to goodness vacuum cleaner. Cue the chorus of hallelujah. It seriously was the most miraculous thing of my month, which now in retrospect of writing this, makes me a little sad that this one purchase was the best thing about July for me, but whatever, I'm excited. I have a new vacuum and my rug has never been cleaner. I don't even think it was this clean when I bought it. Vacuuming it makes it looks brand spanking new and it feels so soft and wonderful. And that's saying a lot, considering I have a dog that sheds as much as he does.

So, I love cleaning. I'm a dork. I'm a nerd. I love school supplies too. I doubt either thing will change anytime soon. But, hey, that's me. I can own my nerdiness and wear it with pride. And I have a super clean apt. Do you?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Riggle me this, why do you hate me?

So, yes, another story about work.

Why are servers the most hated people in the world. Do people think we're dumb? Do people think that we aren't educated, or human beings, or anything worth giving a little kindness and consideration to?

I mean, I definitely know the answers to the above, but I feel like many people think that the person waiting on them have no real life experience, brains, ethics, morals, passions, interests, or a soul. But, it's not the way it is. Many people forget that Suze Orman was once a server, but let's face it, the bitch is smart. She managed to begin her empire off of her tips. Does she even have an empire? Either way, it doesn't really matter.

But, there is a hatred towards servers that we deal with on a little bit deeper level; foreigners. Tonight, someone said to me, after 15 minutes of looking at the menu and not ordering anything, "we're french, we need time to translate what you call a language"

Now, I'm sure what he meant by this was, "we're not from here, we need time to translate (then the what you call a was supposed to mean 'i'm searching for the word') this language. But, the way it came out was, "i'm french and far more superior to you and your country, our language is better and I spit on you." So, now it's up to me to not only maintain my own sanity, but I have to defend my country too? For real?

Ok so maybe I don't. i just have to walk away, which suits me just fine.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Riggle Me This, Angry Lesbians!

So, why ARE the girls just so angry?

This is something I wonder about every time I encounter angry lesbians. I just don't get it! I know a few lesbians that I get along with famously, but there are some that just seem to hate anything with a penis. Some tend to hate cute little gay boys even more, something that I will just never understand.

Last night, at work, this is what happened.

I greeted my table of lesbians with a pleasant "hello," and "how are you?" And was greeted with a grunted "hi," with an added eyeroll from the more butch woman once he looked me up and down. The second lesbian was a little bit nicer, clearly the lipstick lesbian of the twosome, minus the cute factor. She was a little, but not much nicer.

Their drinks were pretty typical, the butch one ordered a beer (typical) and a water and the lipstick said to me, "I'll have two glasses of water, room temperature, as if they've never had a thought of ice a day in their life." For real. That's what she said to me. I was like, um, ok crazy.

So then, as is standard in my line of work, I was multi-tasking. Big surprise for a waiter. But as I was getting drinks for several tables, they apparently felt they were waiting too long, so they pulled aside the sweet little host and told her they were very upset, very, very, very upset with how long their drinks were taking. This was informed to me as I was carrying a tray of about 14 drinks to my section. I did make sure to drop of their drinks first, but instead of a thank you for their drinks, I got, "so, i'm gonna have..." That's when I stopped her and told her that I would be right back. Instead of saying, "ok," I got, "we're ready to order now. hurry back."

So, I was trying to figure out how to be nice to them without being condescending or losing my cool with them. So I went back and took their order. Each of them had about 6 or 7 special requests for their food. This is something I don't understand about people in restaurants. 1 or 2 things different, ok, but seriously, 6 or 7 each. Why even bother coming out? Stay the fuck at home! Anywho, as they were ordering they each made a point of repeating everything about 3 times and slower each time as to make sure that I (apparently ignorant and stupid) understood the words coming out of their mouths. Then, the kicker was that the man of the table then says to me, "and that can all come out as it's ready, we're really not fussy at all."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? NOT FUSSY, MY ASS! I had a full fucking page for both of their special requests! We're not fussy. O-M-G!!! I wanted to punch them both in the vagina. (and no i don't support violence towards women or anyone, so don't get all up in arms about this and call the authorities on me or anything crazy).

So, if you think it's done then, you'd be mistaken. Every few minutes they needed something new. The manly one pointed out that her blue cheese dressing tasted more like ranch and didn't actually believe that it was what she ordered. Then her salad didn't have asparagus in it. Then, her girlfriend didn't have enough intelligent conversation to add, god only knows what their problems were, but they became MY problems.

Newsflash people! I'm a waiter, not a therapist. Don't unload on me because that's what happens in the movies. We're not best friends. We are in a 2 hour relationship because I want your money. Basically I'm your whore for 2 hours, you pay me, then I never see you again. That's how this is supposed to work. So don't give me your life story because I don't care!!!

And maybe, just maybe, I'm the one that's angry and not the lesbians, but I still blame them. And I will never have the answer to why lesbians hate men and gay men so much, but I will continue to try to bridge that gap somehow!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Riggle Me This: why are people so effing WEIRD?

So...was it a full moon somewhere tonight? Or were the crazies just out in full hot, lack of a better word, fullness? It was just one right after the other tonight and I can't for the life of me figure out why I had to deal with so much bullshit tonight.

To kick off the evening, I had a party of about 15. Four, yes, four were children under the age of 5. All of which were, I guess, supposed to be under the supervision of me. Because I didn't have other tables or anything. Shout to the parents, "i'm not your babysitter. You are. I shouldn't have to deal with your child throwing cars, toys, or crayons at me or the people around you. You have kids, we don't, you can handle it, we shouldn't have to!"

Anyway, they were basically fine, except their idiot son kept falling off his chair because no one was watching them, and the one single older guy at the table kept making insanely bad jokes all night. He was like the embarrassing dad, the kind that try really hard to keep up with the trends, even if the trend was about ten years ago. He had on a purple polo with a popped color, and all of his jokes were in the spirit of annoying server jokes that we have all heard a million times. I think everyone now knows the type I"m talking about. Well, joke after joke, I just smiled politely and tried to blow it off, because well, he was annoying. But as they were leaving, I was saying my thank you's to them, he looks at me and says, "That was awesome, you're hot, I should give you my number."

Perplexed, I responded, "you need to behave."

"I did behave tonight, that was the problem."

I was shocked. Who invited old ass gay uncle Rodney anyways. I don't know if that's really his name, but that's what I'm calling him. Seriously, though. Who invited him??? I high-tailed it to another table and just tried to move on.

During that whole fiasco, I had walked by a table of 3 gay men seated at another one of my tables. One of them accidentally elbowed my ass. I turned to excuse myself when he said, "wow you're rock solid!" Well, yes I was flattered by his obvious compliment to my rear end, but i didn't really know where it could go. They looked mid-forties, and like they had money, so, i figured I should flirt a little bit to get a bigger tip, right? So I go through the motions with them and smile a lot more than I normally do and blah blah blahblahblah. I set their bill down and one guy pays with a black AMEX card. I'm thinking to myself that I'm gonna get a huge tip. WRONG! I should have known better. People with black AMEX's never tip over 15%. It's like a stupid rule they have to keep the money they make. ON a bill of $162 they left me 18 dollars.

18 DOLLARS!!!! Are you kidding me? I almost chased them down just to homo smack the shit out of them. They got to touch my butt, they got to have me actually flirt with them. And yes, I have already entertained, briefly, the notion that my flirting was bad and that's how they were telling me. BUt, I've flirted many many times before, and this was top notch for me. TRUST.

Onto the next guy. This guy was hosting a bunch of people from some foreign country and he was really trying to impress them. He ordered a bottle of Shiraz (we have 2 by the bottle) and he said he didn't care which bottle. One bottle is $32 and one is $56. I figured I didn't wanna just assume he wanted the more expensive, so I gave him the cheaper one. So I go to the bar, I get the glasses, I get my wine key, I get the glasses set on the table and I finally present the wine and he looks at it all confused and asks to see the menu. I figured he just wanted to double check the vintage on the menu and the bottle. NOPE! He looked at me square in the face and said, "i wanted the other one." I almost lost my shit on this guy. I mean, are you for real? You tell me one minute that you don't care which one, but I bring you one and you say you wanted the other one?!?! Just order what you fucking want? I am not a damn mind reader.

There were more instances tonight, but these were the standouts. As I am writing all of this, I'm trying to figure out hat was going on tonight because seriously, I can't riggle myself enough brain power to understand why I have to deal with crazy people and all of that bullshit. So if anyone has the answer, please let me know!