Sometimes...

Sometimes I get in the way of myself. I just let everything get too complicated. Maybe it's because I am afraid. Maybe it's because I just don't know how to trust myself. When I was little my mother used to tell me that I stood in the way of myself being successful sometimes. Even to the point, she said, that I would cut of my nose to spite my face. I didn't know then that she was right. It's funny; when I was little I had no idea what she even meant. And the past few years, every time I make a mistake, I hear her voice saying that in my head. It doesn't have to be so complicated. But it comes down to a decision. And since decisions are my downfall, I have to make one. It wasn't easy, but it's maybe what we need. I don't know. Let's give it some time.

PS...Wall-E is still here. 

Say what you want..

Something I've noticed a lot anymore is people not going after what they want. Sure they talk a big game about wanting this thing or that, some person, or yearning after something they lost. Then, they can totally contradict themselves in what they do.

For instance. I have a friend who is devastated over a breakup. He wants nothing more than to get his ex back, yet he has a date tonight. Why waste your time? You want something, go after it. If you don't, then don't. If you want your ex back, spend time on it. If you just want to get laid, then fine, but don't sugarcoat it with a date.

Other examples are people who have issues with others, yet display those same characteristics themselves. A guy I once dated used to hate that I ate oranges in bed. (Not really the case, but lets just say for arguments sake this is what it was). Hated it. Then months later, after the breakup, we come to find out he's been eating apples in bed. I mean, come on, similar right? Bad analogy. 

I had an ex from college, that, when we broke up and got back together(i know, drama) promised to never lie. So we get back together for about 6 months. Then break up. A year later, I find out he lied to me significantly while we had been together. Should it matter to me a year and half after it happened? It certainly stung a tiny bit, but the bigger picture was, we were trying to establish a friendship. So, I called him on it, let it go and we moved on from it. Yes, I tease him about it occasionally, but I love him anyways, so it's all ok.

The point is this. If you really want something, then go after it. If you're not over your ex, then don't date. You just put someone else in the path to be hurt. I mean, you're not doing them any favors by hiding what you feel. It will just come out eventually. So, I have this to say to my friend. Take some time to yourself. I hope he reads this. I'm not sure if he does anymore.

beyonce...

Ok, so I really am not a huge Beyonce fan. I'm just not. Never have been, yet occasionally she'll put out something that I really like. Something that's fun to dance to, or work out to, or whatever.  

Today, on Ellen, she sang a song at the end of the show that I've never heard. I actually started crying it was so beautiful. And she was kind of crying during the performance of it. It made me like it even more.

Seriously, I didn't know what to think.... I hope you all enjoy.

!

Life is not that serious. Step back and relax. Why can't it just be fun???

So...

Last night, I realized that some of my blogs should be stuff that I write in my journal. But, I like to put a lot of stuff out there. So, regardless of what it is, if anyone wants to know more specifically who and what I'm talking about, please ask me. I'll tell you. Don't read into it more than what's there. Sometimes, I just like to clear my head. There's usually a lot going on in there. And I just wish I didn't have a filter. But the thing is, we have to have one to function in this society. It's sad, but true. Some filters are bigger than others. But, as much as people will say they don't have one, if you look hard enough they do. Because everyone has a different relationship with everyone. I'm sure the things you say to friends are much different than what you'd say to your mother. Ya know? But, in the end, a filter is good. There are secrets and actions that are better left without being told.

Things.

There are so many things that go on in my head that I know if I said them out loud, I doubt I'd have anyone at all to call my friend. Not that I think bad things about my friends, but I just think about a lot of inappropriate stuff. Just something that goes on. But I'm curious to know, what would happen if no one had a filter. If every thought someone had would come out and the people involved in those thoughts would hear them. What would happen? Would there be more fights in the world? Would there be more love? Fear? Anger? Pain? Pleasure? I'm curious.

Everything else seems so jumbled to me right now. I can't help but blame myself, but then again, I can't seem to move forward. I'm stuck in a rut and we all know it, but the rut is the extension of my hip that I can't seem to get rid of. I can't seem to find some kind of peace without it meaning something different to everyone. I can't seem to get certain actions out of my head. I keep replaying the entire day in my mind. There's so much of me you don't know, and you can't know because I won't let you. Because I don't want you to. There is no other reason besides that. It's selfish and mean, but it's real. So by telling you that much, does that mean I'm letting you in? Or pushing you away? Who knows? Is what we did wrong? Would it be so bad to go back down that road? To maybe find something we missed? I can't shake it, and it seems you can't either. But, I'm still unhappy with myself. So, where does that leave us? Talk, no talk, talk, no talk. Make up your mind. 

Is my timing bad? Am I the third thing? I wonder how much more I can "be there" before I crack. I want things to be right so much, but where do I draw the line? When do I stop saying, "you" and start saying, "me." What is it I'm searching for? If I found it, would I let myself keep it? Would I ruin it, then try to get it back again? If I find some kind of energy on my own, does that mean I was right? If I say, "no" does it mean what I think it will?

All of this, then I think of the fact there is a woman named Diana Urrea, and I smile to myself, because I bet she has a harder day to get through than I ever will.

Work....

Tonight I had a couple of things happen to me at work that just make me laugh thinking about them.

1. Two women sat at one of my tables tonight. The one who paid handed me a credit card. I took it to the computer and swiped it. As I was getting the printed copies, I decided to actually check all the info on the card, something I never do, but for once, I just happened to look. The woman's name was Diana Urrea. I hope you all know where this one is going. I about lost my shit.

2. It was 11:05 PM and my restaurant had been closed for an hour. This usually means nothing to the idiots who dine out. A table of two guys and I had the following conversation as I was cleaning tables around them.

Man- So, uh, what time do you all close?

Me- About an hour ago.

Man- Oh shit, wow, we're here so late! (laughing) So what does that mean for us?

Me- That means you should probably be going soon.

Both men laughed, but they left very quickly.

Gay Stuff...

So, yesterday, at the urging of a good friend of mine, I went to the protest against the mormon church in NYC. Normally, I don't think it's a good idea to single out a specific group like this, but when they were the majority of supporters who voted yes for prop 8, i really felt compelled. It was so beautiful to see 20,000 New Yorkers out and proud for what they believe in. It wasn't just gay people too. It was everyone. It was just a shining example of how people who have nothing in common but a single belief can come together and stand for what they think is right.

The best part of the evening was that my roommate was there. He's a person who happens to be mormon, republican, and gay. All three of these ideas seem to be so catastrophic when linked together, but for him, it works. He believes in looking at all issues from both sides and really weighing out what is best for himself and his own personal beliefs. He probably voted for McCain, but that's because he's not a single issue voter. I honestly don't know who he voted for, nor do I care. But, he joined up in the protest last night, and I think he, more than myself, should be admired for such a thing.

He recently wrote a blog, in which I commented, then someone commented back talking about how people would sue churches for not allowing gays to marry there for the simple fact, "because they could." Let me just say this in response. It will probably happen, the suing of a church over gay marriage, because people are idiots.  People sue for any reason in which they think they can 'get rich quick.' Because in this country, we have been raised to believe that it's never our own fault. So many people are quick to blame others for their lot in life, when in reality, it's not. Our country promotes, give us your tired, your weak... blah blah blah, I forget how the quote goes, but it really should say, "give us your people who want to blame someone else for their troubles, because it's not REALLY your fault, is it?" 

Someone suing a church over gay marriage is idiotic. Why? Because the bible doesn't condone it, and neither does any other religious scripture. So, I don't think a church should have to marry us. I think the government has to marry us at the courthouse, though. I pay my taxes just like everyone else. I hold the constitution and the laws of this country to a very high esteem. So therefore, I should be afforded my right to get married. To whomever I choose. Now, any church, temple, or whatever can disagree with this, but I tell you right now, you don't have to marry me. You don't have to deal with me. I just want the civil liberties granted to the heterosexual community. 

And another thing. I am pretty sure that my family supports me in my quest to become a married citizen. As a gay person, I'm happy they support me, but what if I wasn't their family member, son, brother, uncle? I would still like to hope that they would support gay marriage. So the thing is this. Even if you know gay people, are related to them, or whatever. Support gay marriage because it's the right thing to do. Not because you're influenced by the people around you. Look in your heart. Listen to the stories of couples having been together for 50+ years who yearn to have some sort of legal rights as they are about to pass on from this world. Tell them to their face they don't deserve some sort of rights, or haven't earned it in their many years of devotion to one other person. Look at them and tell them that they are going to burn in hell. Look at them and judge them. Then call yourself a christian. Judge all of us, fine. But know that it is your own soul you will have to answer for. We're not asking that you save us, or that you convert us to your way of thinking. We're simply asking that you live your own life, and we will live ours.

Today...

I have no idea how to process what I've experienced today, so I'll let it rest for a couple of days and instead leave a quote from a wonderful movie of the 90's. 

AJ- What's with you today? I mean, yesterday you were all normal and today you're like the Chinese guy from "The Karate Kid!" What's with you today?

Lucas- What's with Today-Today?

Gay Marriage

Me.

I made a mess, and now it's time to either fix it or face the consequences of my actions.

Just some thoughts...

Bittersweet..

Just a really good song by Sara Bareilles....

well a couple of them.....

Nothing...

Is ever so bad or so far gone, that, if we want, we can't bounce back from it. 

I misread your signs

Thought it was me

but it wasn't

Thought you still cared

but you don't

Thought I could pretend

but I can't

I was wrong 

so many times over

but I am coming back

Stronger than ever

wishing you the best

wishing you the worst

Harboring a hope 

for my own future

Getting myself up off the ground

Shaking myself free

I held your esteem

higher than my own

and I'm done.

That little feeling in my stomach?

Turns out it's love.

I have your attention

but not your respect

I have your best interest at heart

though you probably object.

I just can't go on

unless it's with myself.

I'll own up to what I need

and find my own way

Eventually, I'll find happiness

but on my own terms

So many things I wish I could say

but you already know

you already understand.

There's no turning back the clock

there's no magic key

that could open a door 

on a new room for us.

I wish we could have recovered, 

but it wasn't meant to be.

It wasn't your job to fix me, 

yet I wanted us to both be whole

So i'll be here on my own, 

and you'll be set free.

Two Things...

There are two songs I've heard recently that have made me cry. I know, I know, how stupid, but I react to music easily. So here they are..

"I don't believe you" by Pink.

I don't mind it

I don't mind at all

It's like you're the swing set and I'm the kid that falls

It's like the way we fight

The times I cried

We come to blows

And every night the passions there

So it's got to be right, right?

No, I don't believe you

When you say don't come around here no more

I won't remind you

You said we wouldn't be apart

No, I don't believe you

When you say you don't need me anymore

So don't pretend to not love me at all

I don't mind it

Still don't mind at all

It's like we're those bad dreams

When you can't wake up

Looks like you've given up, had enough

I want more, no I wont' stop

Cause I just know you'll come around, right?

No, I don't believe you

When you say don't come around here no more

I won't remind you

You said we wouldn't be apart

NO, I don't believe you

WHen you say you don't need me anymore

So don't pretend to not love me at all

Just don't stand there and watch me fall

Cause I, cause I still don't mind at all

It's like the way we fight

The times I've cried

We come to blows

Every night, the passion's there

So it's got to be right, right?

No, I don't believe you

When you say, don't come around here no more

I won't remind you

YOu said we wouldn't be apart

NO, I don't believe you

WHen you say you don't need me anymore

So don't pretend to not love me at all

Cause I don't believe you.

The other is "We All Need Saving" by Jon Mclaughlin

Come on, Come on

You have got to move on

This is not the you I know

This isn't real

It's just all you can feel

And that's the way feelings go

And whether or not it's right or wrong

you'll do what you will do

When the cloud in the sky

Starts to pour in your life

It's just a storm you're braving.

Don't tell yourself

You can't leave on someone else

Cause we all need saving

Sometimes

Say what you will

but the time that we fill

While we're on the earth

Should not be alone

We were meant to be known

And you make me what I'm worth

But I can't keep you from yourself

You'll do what you will do

When the clod in the sky

Starts to pour in your life

It's just a storm your braving

Don't tell yourself 

You can lean on someone else

Cause we all need saving

Sometimes

I don't know why it has to be this was

And I don't know the cure

But please believe someone 

has felt this before.

When the cloud in the sky 

Starts to pour in your life

It's just a storm you're braving

Don't tell yourself

You can't lean on someone else

Cause we all need saving

Sometimes