Easter...And Other things.

I was fortunate enough to spend Easter with a family that isn't mine. It's a family much like my own, but slightly different. The way that they are much like mine is that everyone is different and everyone has different ideals about life, but the central focus of their lives is their family bond and most importantly, love. Like my family, they are remarkable, adaptable, unique and wonderful. 

It's always interesting  spending a holiday with another family because one never knows if their own family did things the same way, and you're always seeing into the private lives of another family. But, the Easter I just spent was very much like the ones I spend, or have spent with my own family. Everything from decorating eggs, hiding them for the kids, hanging out with the adults, to catching up on the latest family gossip, sharing in laughs, joy and lots of wonderful times.

So, for me, this Easter was particularly special, because I hit a turning point. I went to spend Easter with a family that I thought, "ok maybe one day I'll be a part of this family." I left this morning from their house yearning to become a part of their lives. I met the "in-laws," and while nervous, I found myself really enjoying myself. I got to see into the more personal life of someone I'm dating. And I found myself falling in love a little bit deeper. 

I got to spend a fun three days with a family that's not my own and felt like I belonged. I hope that one day, I do belong to that family and can just add those wonderful people to the family that I already have, know and love.

Love.

A lot of people spend their whole life looking for love. I know that I have a great deal of love in my life. I know that I'm a pretty lucky guy. I have tons of friends, and great relationships with my parents and family. But, I've always wondered how love works between two people of a romantic nature. More or less, I've tried to define it. Truth is, it's not definable. 

I know that it's there in the sandwich left for me in the fridge when I get home from work, even if the words I love you aren't written on it. I know it's there for me in the layers of blankets and pillows set up on the floor when I come home from a hard day and get pampered with a massage. I know it's there in the small gifts or surprises I get throughout the day. Love is very much in the text messages that I receive, the voicemails I get, or the notes and letters and cards. It's crazy how a feeling and emotion can exist without being seen, but just felt. 

Inside my whole being, I feel it. And it's crazy because I never thought I'd be this guy. The "i love you" kind of guy. I figured I'd just live on my own for a long long time. But now, I have someone I want to spend time with, someone I completely just love having around for no other reason then we have fun. But I'm sitting in my living room just past 2 in the morning and I know that I am loved. How lucky am I for that?

Another day...

I haven't written about work in awhile and tonight was a really good night at work, so I thought I'd share. I was feeling a little bit feisty tonight, so it made everything a little bit better. Plus, everyone at my tables were pretty awesome and willing to play back with me so it got really good.

My first great experience came with a party of 10. I was dropping off alcoholic drinks, and an infant of about 7 months reached for my tray. This next convo was amazing.

Me(as the infant reached for the tray) No no sweetie, you might not want those. (then to her mother) Or maybe she's trying to start young.

Mother- Well you know she wasn't on the bottle at all, but she keeps reaching for everyone's beer bottle. I don't know where she gets it.

Me- Uh-oh. You'd better keep an eye on her. She'll probably grow up to be a stripper.

Mother died of laughter and told the story several more times during the night. 

Second table was pretty awesome. It was a family of four. Parents and two boys, one gay and one not gay.

When the food arrived I went back to check in with everyone and the gay child (around 7 or 8) looked at me and said, "Everything is excellent" with a slight lisp and head tilt that makes me want to set aside his gay manuel and send it to him when he turns 18. I mean, the kid will need some help.

Later on, I walked to the table and apparently the father did something rude but I heard the following conversation.

Mom- Just because your father does it sometimes doesn't make it polite.

Kid- Well then, I can't wait to be an adult, You wanna know why, mom?

Mom- Why?

Kid- Because then I can do whatever the hell I want to. Just like Dad.

AMAZING! That kid was about 10. 

Stuff...

I have come to realize something today. Everyone is living the "leading role" of their own lives. So, no matter what happens, a person can actually justify any of their own actions. It's funny how we can hurt other people, or be hurt by others, lie to people, be lied to, and in our own personal view, it's all about ourselves. But, that makes sense, because we're living our own lives. So we can either forgive people for the wrong things they've done, or we can't. But the beauty of the situation is we will do what we think is best for ourselves first. Or should, but that's a whole other situation.

The other thing i've come to realize, and I'm sure it's really hippie/crunchy for me to think this... But we are all beautiful people. We all deserve greatness in our lives. Every one of us. There isn't a person out there that I think doesn't deserve good things in their life. I have a really close friend who, for whatever reason, can't see the good. For some reason she's decided that she isn't getting what she wants. I don't know how to help her move forward to see how to get closer to her goals. I don't know how to get her to see that she deserves to have happiness in her life. It's so crazy. I wish she could see herself the way I see her. She'd see that she is such a wonderful person, inside and out, someone who takes care of her family, her friends. Everyone who knows her, knows how great she is, how beautiful she is, and how talented. It just comes down to believing it beyond all reason.

All i'm saying is, my friends are beautiful people. If they weren't, we wouldn't be friends. And I'm also saying that there are two sides to every story, it just depends on who you talk to. Some people look at things differently because, like I said, "leading role."

Been Awhile...

You know how sometimes one part of a song will hit you, make you think of someone, make you cry, laugh, or anything, even when the song itself isn't all that wonderful? Well, I recently got a need album and there's a line in it that sums up a lot of my past few months perfectly...

"I am sassy, I am sappy,

When I'm with you, I am Happy..."

Obviously, this song makes me think of someone very close to me. I hate to think of some of the ways I've treated him over the past year, and very thankful that I was given the second chance to make things right. 

Anywho, I spent a lot of time tonight thinking about this person. While talking with my friend, Heather, we talked a lot about how I haven't really been involved lately, but how much I've changed and actually started wanting something more than what I had experienced. When I was asked about this person, all I could say was, "he'll be around for awhile."

After about 20 minutes of talking and some wonderful tasty-d, I made my way home via MTA (bastards) and all I could think about was him. I actually walked down the street with a little skip in my step. For anyone who knows me, you should already know that I'm someone who would kick my own ass for something like that. But, tonight I didn't care. I got home and was welcomed warmly at the door and after a few minutes, I was asked if I was alright. I know that I am fine, but with him I'm better than I ever thought I could be. 

I have said it many times. I've always pitied people in love. I never wanted to be one of those people. I never wanted to date. I never wanted a boyfriend. Every time I saw a couple in love I wanted to throw up. Well, sadly folks I'm now one of those people and I'm happy about it. 

A friend of mine told me last fall that he missed the old steve. Well, fortunately, and somewhat unfortunately, the old "steve" is gone. I know now that if I ever find myself single again, it will be incredibly different time in my life. 

Moving on....

There are some people in my life that are perhaps stuck in a rut. I hope they realize that there are opportunities waiting around the corner. If they can stick it out and keep their dreams in focus, they'll figure it out. I promise. And I'll be there if you need me.... ILUMS...

Have a good night everyone...

Thoughts from today...

Several things happened today that just made me pause and take a minute to think about them.

1. I saw a homeless woman begging for money in the subways today while sending text messages on her cell phone. Hmmm? Yeah you read that right. My guess is one would need to appear more helpless to get more money, but hey, maybe that works for her.

2. Lesbians don't tip. I'm not sure what the girls have against men, but I had 2 lesbians at my table tonight with a bill of $100. My tip was $5. Hmmm, maybe they are spending all that extra money buying hair care products. Oh wait! They don't use them.

And

3. I overheard a woman talking about her husband no longer allowing her to spend $100 a week on anything frivolous. Apparently, she's been buying new clothes each week, perfume, or whatever she needs and because of the economy, her husband wants her to save some money, so he's cutting her off. If you do the math, she's spending $5,200 a year, roughly. If she's been married 15 years, that's a lot of money that could be saved. Stupid lady. I mean, seriously, she wasn't blind or deaf, so she must know what's going on in the world. 

THE END

How do we decide?

I've spent a lot of time in my life telling myself that I wanted something more. I wanted the next best thing. I wanted the better grade, the better job, the better school. Everything seemed to just be on the verge of something great. Everything. It could have been food, clothes, anything. And it wasn't just me telling myself this, it was all of the people around me; parents, siblings, grandparents, teachers, everyone.

So, I guess it stands to reason that I am 28 and so ready to just throw everything away for no other reason than the grass seeming greener. It seems that one small aspect of my life can be still for just a moment. I can settle into it and let it grow and watch what happens. But, I still have this nagging voice in my head that tells me the next best thing is on the horizon. It's been very difficult to turn it off, and sometimes I can't. Somedays it's so easy. But what I find more difficult is not letting it affect everything else in my life. I can't let it get to the point where I let my life not happen because I want one extra thing in my life. I have to find the balance. But where do I find it?

How do I go from living a life that is so unstructured and unpredictable to trying to have a structured relationship, while maintaining a healthy focus on myself and the career that I thought I wanted? How do I maintain wanting to go away for a few small months, yet continue to nurture someone else and what we are trying to build together? 

I'm sure this comes as no surprise, but I've dated a few people. Just a few. It always ends. I could blame everyone else for not being the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I'd be lying. I'm not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. The problem lies within me. I used to be so motivated and focused on what I wanted. And now, it just isn't there anymore. So how do you find happiness within yourself while trying to keep a relationship going that you know is good? Is there really a way to find it all? 

As a skeptical person, I don't think so, but there's always a little voice of hope in my head. 

Age...

I have a friend who has lied about her age almost as long as I've known her. When we met several years ago, she was a couple of years older than me. As of this month, she's currently the same age as me. Now, I really don't care that she lies about this, because many people do. But what's the big deal? It's almost that she thinks that she has to because she does, in fact, look a little bit younger than she really is. Or maybe it's because she has less going for her right now than she'd like. But, it's just annoying at this point.

About a year ago, said friend and I were out and someone(a different friend of mine) came over and asked me her age and I said, truthfully what it was. And then without masking any contempt for me, I was corrected, and not only corrected, but was reprimanded for lying. Then she looked at the person who had asked and said she was younger than me! What's really funny about this is that the guy who wanted to ask my friend out decided not to because he felt that my girlfriend was too wrapped up in superficial bullshit. He only asked her age to make sure she was old enough to be out of college. He would have been more into her had she been truthful. So, by lying, she lost out on a chance to possibly date someone really wonderful. My two friends have since become mutual acquaintances, but still, there may have been more.

So this is my thing. I'm 28. No, I haven't accomplished everything I wanted to by the age of 28. I will be turning 29 this year. I know that there are people much younger than me that have gone on to do great things. But, it's not a bad thing to be 28 and not be where you thought you would be. There are many people in this world who make it their whole lives not doing what they thought they would. The best you can hope for is to live your life each day and make the most of it. Chase your dreams and don't let anything stop you. I know this is all advice that I should take myself, but I'm figuring that out on my own time. So the next time you bitch about your job, if you really hate it that much, quit. You can always find another one. Maybe not right now in the current economy, but if you've been bitching for 5 years about a job you hate, then change your life. You're not stuck in a rut because you can't get out, you're stuck in a rut because you won't get out. And age is seriously a number, those people who make a big deal about it and feel they have to lie? Well everyone cares how old you are because you make a big deal about hiding it. Why? No one would care if you said you were really about to be 32 or 40, because most of us already know how old you are anyways.

So, let it go. The things you think people will care about are what they will most likely care least about.

3

There are three people in my life right now that when I see them, I stop and think. I mostly think about what would have happened if I had been at a point in my life that I could have dated them. How would my life be different? Who would I know? Who wouldn't I know?

The first guy is someone I met in 2007. I saw his then off-broadway show, then met a bunch of people from the cast out for drinks. We flirted kind of, but didn't really meet until a few weeks later. He was the first person that accepted me for not being in a place ready to "date" but wanted to get to know me better. Everyone kept telling me how gorgeous he was, but I just thought he was nice. He was sweet to me. Even now, his show is on b'way, and he's out on injury, is my neighbor, of sorts, we keep in touch via text. i know that if and when I see him, it's a little much to see him out with his bf, because I feel like I could have had that with him. A real relationship.

The next guy I met later that year while spending my summer doing a show in Provincetown. I constantly refer to him as my "puerto rican." He is the reason I still harbor hope that I can date again. We met once, briefly, while he was in town. I didn't really push the issue due to his level of hotness. I figured everyone in town would be hitting on him. But then a month passed, he was back, just visiting, but still, it was a week. Anywho, he and I officially first started speaking outside of what we all called "last chance pizza." It's a pizza place that stays open after the bars do in Massachusetts. It's basically the last chance to get laid for the night. I invited him to come to our hot tub party. He apparently called me, but I missed the call, and whatever. But the point is, we eventually met up. We kind of had a little fling for a week. I can honestly say that he is the reason I have hope for myself in a relationship. 

I spent a long time after my last boyfriend telling myself that I didn't need a relationship to be happy. I kept thinking that all I needed was myself. But this guy, there was just something about him. Maybe it was because I felt that he could take care of me. He was a lot younger than me, but for some reason that didn't matter. I just felt connected to him in some weird way. 

The other guy. Well, it's just difficult really. He's a wonderful person. I still hang out with him on occasion. But, the problem is, well there is no problem. I'm fairly certain things would be great between us if we could just get on the same playing field. He's someone I know from a gym about 3 years ago. Last year, while I was home from tour, he hooked me up with a gym membership. 2 years ago, in P-town, I called him out for working at said gym, but didn't follow through with it the week he was there. Anywho, last year we were supposed to meet up, but didn't because I realized that I was only in the city for a week, and had about 5 months left of tour. How could I even fathom a relationship at that point? But, I came back from tour with a bf, which ended very quickly, and now, well, let's just say he and I are at different places with similar feelings.

Through these 3 guys, I've crossed a different bridge of my life. One of them taught me that I wasn't ready, one taught me I was ready, and one is currently teaching me to let go of what might have been. The truth is, I have no clue what my future holds. I've spent so much time chasing a career that can't be controlled that I've tried to control every other aspect of my life to such a fine degree, I've forgotten that I can have all of this if I really want it. But, the question is now, "do I really want it?"

Well, do I?

Selfish...

selfish

-adjective

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself

A friend of mine just broke up with his boyfriend. I know, I know. It sounds like I'm about to start that whole "a friend of mine" bullshit, when in reality, I'm talking about myself. Well, that is certainly not the case. My friend really did break up with his boyfriend. These things are not easy circumstances to deal with. I'm sure we've all been through the big ones, the not so big ones, and the ones that you can't wait to get out of your life. It all happens. But, no matter what the situation is, the ending isn't always the easiest.

But the funniest thing to me is this. When one person wants the relationship to be over, it usually means it's over. Maybe not always, but generally speaking. And when that person decides that the relationship isn't right for them, because they need something, they are usually called selfish. But what about the people who are desperate to stay in the relationship? Aren't they being selfish by only caring about what they want? Shouldn't they be just as blamed for being selfish by thinking of themselves?

The ends of relationships suck. They hurt.