3

There are three people in my life right now that when I see them, I stop and think. I mostly think about what would have happened if I had been at a point in my life that I could have dated them. How would my life be different? Who would I know? Who wouldn't I know?

The first guy is someone I met in 2007. I saw his then off-broadway show, then met a bunch of people from the cast out for drinks. We flirted kind of, but didn't really meet until a few weeks later. He was the first person that accepted me for not being in a place ready to "date" but wanted to get to know me better. Everyone kept telling me how gorgeous he was, but I just thought he was nice. He was sweet to me. Even now, his show is on b'way, and he's out on injury, is my neighbor, of sorts, we keep in touch via text. i know that if and when I see him, it's a little much to see him out with his bf, because I feel like I could have had that with him. A real relationship.

The next guy I met later that year while spending my summer doing a show in Provincetown. I constantly refer to him as my "puerto rican." He is the reason I still harbor hope that I can date again. We met once, briefly, while he was in town. I didn't really push the issue due to his level of hotness. I figured everyone in town would be hitting on him. But then a month passed, he was back, just visiting, but still, it was a week. Anywho, he and I officially first started speaking outside of what we all called "last chance pizza." It's a pizza place that stays open after the bars do in Massachusetts. It's basically the last chance to get laid for the night. I invited him to come to our hot tub party. He apparently called me, but I missed the call, and whatever. But the point is, we eventually met up. We kind of had a little fling for a week. I can honestly say that he is the reason I have hope for myself in a relationship. 

I spent a long time after my last boyfriend telling myself that I didn't need a relationship to be happy. I kept thinking that all I needed was myself. But this guy, there was just something about him. Maybe it was because I felt that he could take care of me. He was a lot younger than me, but for some reason that didn't matter. I just felt connected to him in some weird way. 

The other guy. Well, it's just difficult really. He's a wonderful person. I still hang out with him on occasion. But, the problem is, well there is no problem. I'm fairly certain things would be great between us if we could just get on the same playing field. He's someone I know from a gym about 3 years ago. Last year, while I was home from tour, he hooked me up with a gym membership. 2 years ago, in P-town, I called him out for working at said gym, but didn't follow through with it the week he was there. Anywho, last year we were supposed to meet up, but didn't because I realized that I was only in the city for a week, and had about 5 months left of tour. How could I even fathom a relationship at that point? But, I came back from tour with a bf, which ended very quickly, and now, well, let's just say he and I are at different places with similar feelings.

Through these 3 guys, I've crossed a different bridge of my life. One of them taught me that I wasn't ready, one taught me I was ready, and one is currently teaching me to let go of what might have been. The truth is, I have no clue what my future holds. I've spent so much time chasing a career that can't be controlled that I've tried to control every other aspect of my life to such a fine degree, I've forgotten that I can have all of this if I really want it. But, the question is now, "do I really want it?"

Well, do I?