My Niece

So, I have a niece who is about to be 12 years old, Kaycie. Yeah, do the math, I was 16 when she was born. Some people in my family do things a little bit early. It's just us. But, she's been a source of constant entertainment and delight from the moment she was born. Nevermind that she cried everytime I held her when she was first born. Nevermind that when I call, she's usually too busy to talk to me. Spending time with her is where the true fun begins.

This year, my father graduated from college. He has been taking online courses from a school in Denver for many years. I believe since I was in junior high. However, between raising three kids, maintaining a successfull marriage, and a full time job, he's had to go a little slowly. Finally, this year he succeeded and has a college degree.

My entire family went over to Denver for the commencement this year, kids included. The day of the graduation, we decide to head out for a celebratory dinner which includes us all giving my father the watch we got him for his big day. In true style to my father, he has a big speech prepared for said dinner, also a little surprise for my mom.

As it turns out, my father is a tremendously wonderful public speaker, naturally where I get my talents. So, in a little speech give to my mother, myself, my sisters, their respective husbands, and children, and my father's parents, he begins to thank all of us for our support for standing by him through his struggles to complete this chapter in his life. Of course we were all grateful and excited to be there. Then he began speaking specifically about my mother. Thanking her for being a truly wonderful partner, without which, he'd never have succeeded in any facet of life.

In this specifically directed thank you, he presented my mom with a little box. Inside the box, a necklace. A journey necklace, to be precise. It's a gold hoop on a chain, and inside the hoop is a curved line with diamonds. My father explains that the hoop symbolizes their unity, and the cruved center represents the journey of life they are on. Of course, at this moment, we're ALL in tears, because none of us really expected it. Plus, my parents union is truly one fairy tales are made from. However, with a brief pause to admire the necklace and revel in the moment, my niece, without missing a beat, says, "Awwwww, he went to Jarrod's"

And that is the wit and humor that is my niece. Enough said. She's the funniest person in our family.

It Says So On the Box

So, I've always known I was the smartest kid my parents conceived, but now I have actual proof. 

Last week, I was talking to my oldest sister on the phone. In the best non sequitur ever, she blurts out, "Did you know you can't use Mister Clean Magic Eraser pads on your skin?"

My flat response, "Yeah, it says so on the box. Why? Did you try to use it on your skin?"

"Well, yeah. I was dying my hair, and I got some on the back of my neck, and it wouldn't come off, so I used the eraser pad on it thinking it would work and it burned my skin."

Ok, seriously. My sister, God love her, is 30. Really? She just used bleach on her skin. I'm pretty sure most of us are taught at an early age that bleach isn't good for skin. If you have any doubts, look at Michael Jackson. But, I know for sure she was taught this lesson.

And if it weren't enough that she didn't know not to use it her skin, she says, "oh yeah, it DOES say so on the box. Right here. CAUTION: Do not use on skin. May cause burning. Wow, I wouldn't have thought that!"

Ok, I love my sister SO much, but really? How did all of my parents intellect skip her and end up in me?

Two Hearts

I wanted to keep the songs off of here, but I've had this song on repeat most of the summer. just wanted to share it.

Thoughts of you I can't escape

still holding on to words once spoken

Consumed by mind body and soul

with a firm on a heart broken

Because these are two hearts

that cannot be 

but cannot run 

cannot hide from each other

and this wall that we've placed here between us

won't come down.

Waking still with your breath in my hair

kissing gently I open my eyes

but a dream is but a dream

little boy roll back over.

It's never easy to say your goodbyes.

Because these are two hearts

who cannot be

but cannot run

cannot hide from each other

and this wall that we've placed here between us

won't come down

Come down.

Come down.

Won't come down.

Waiting, wishing, hoping and praying

for a chance to keep it new

to keep the sun from setting.

Why must I entangle myself

with what's broken?

It's the hope of what could be

Of what wrongs but won't be.

Because these are two hearts

that cannot be but

cannot run

cannot hide from each other

And this wall that we've place here between us

won't come down

So I'm not waiting wishing hoping or praying

I'm not waiting wishing hoping or praying.

I'm not waiting wishing hoping or praying

Anymore

Family Lottery.

I wasn't always a great kid in my family. Yes, I was probably the smartest one of the three kids my parents had, but it was all book-smarts. I was severely lacking in the common sense department. And, sometimes, I still do. But hey, we all grow and we all learn, right?

In high school, I was so rebellious of everything my parents said or did. I can proudly say I wasn't up to anything bad, but I was seriously pushing them away and shutting them out of my life. It got so bad that my parents decided to take away their help in aiding me in my college aspirations. I didn't care, but in hindsight, I can see how bad of a decision it was, but luckily for me, I realized my mistake almost immediately after having moved out of their house and into my first home away from home; my freshman dorm. It was there that I realized how much work my parents had put into making me a strong and independent man. The struggles of many of my fellow freshman class who didn't know how to do simple things like their own laundry made me so grateful for every small lesson I had learned from both of my parents. 

Luckily for me, I pulled my shit together and worked my ass off over those first two years, so that when it came time to transfer schools (i went to a two year school in wyoming, so transferring was my ticket out) they generously offered their assistance. I swallowed my pride and jumped on their offer. I knew that things were getting better. And even more so, I was starting to really enjoy being around my family. 

Fast forward to 2007, in which I was able to spend a solid six weeks with my family, minus one, or two (yes, lisa and aj, i had to throw that dig out there.) But, in that six weeks, I was able to really play the role of uncle to my adorable niece and nephew, kid brother, brother-in-law, and son. Even though the reason I was home was a tough one, the joys of being able to be apart of that solid dynamic we've all built made me feel special. I didn't feel like the absent family member I've come to think of myself as. I felt like I had a place and really had a blast. 

Even in this current year, I've flown to Denver to watch my father graduate college, and flown to Florida to celebrate my sister's nuptials. We were all there and that's what makes us whole. They were both weekends that I'll treasure the rest of my life. And it felt good to be apart of something bigger than myself. It feels wonderful to belong to something so loving. 

So, today I received a birthday card from my parents quite early. This is what it said inside

"What if today,

you could see yourself

the way that wee see you?

What if we could

somehow take you back

and show you for a moment, 

the beautiful baby boy

who won our hearts forever

the first time we held him

in our arms...

Or the mischievous toddler

who never stopped

for more than a minute,

so full of life

and curiosity

about the world around him?

What if we could

somehow show you

the kind and generous man

we see standing before us

or any one of the countless,

precious memories

we keep in our hearts?

What if on your birthday

you could see yourself

the way that we see you?

Then you would know,

without a doubt

how much we have loved

watching you change

and grow

and become

the kind of man

we always knew you would be."

And inside my mom wrote, "Couldn't resist a card that tells you how proud i am of you. lots of love, mom." And my dad wrote, "Happy birthday. Keep following your passion not your pension. Love, Dad."

I read this and I know that I have truly won the family lottery. I was given such an incredible family to belong to and I feel sad for anyone who has less than what I was given. I am heartbroken when I hear people say, "Oh my god, I hate my family." Or, "If I'm around my family too much, I go nuts!" Because I simply can't get enough of my family. I always feel bad for my parents at times. My mother constantly complains about when my sisters and I are together, no one can get a word in edgewise. But, that's just the three of us. We like to laugh, we're a pack and that's just how we are. With the three of us plus my parents, plus two brother-in-law's and a niece and nephew, we are the Riggles. Well, we're Riggle's, Reynolds', and King's. We're a family pretty much right off a family tv series. It's messy and dramatic, but always warm and inviting. And no matter how far spread we become, it's still always home. 

Interesting.

So, I think the relationship dynamic is an interesting one. 

Yesterday, I hung out with my ex. It was fun. Also, great to see him. However, something just seemed weird. It wasn't that whole, "oh my god, i'm hanging out with my ex, this is so weird, what if we hook up?" It was just weird and a little sad. 

(Quick history. He and I had been very close friends for quite awhile, then dated for a brief stint, then broke up. Between the break up and seeing each other yesterday, 5 months had passed.)

What was the most weird is that it was so wonderful to see him, but our friendship dynamic was off. It's the opposite feeling of when you have a close friend who you don't see for two years, then when you do see them, it feels like no time has passed whatsoever. You just fall back into your old routines. Well, with this situation, it couldn't happen. I don't know if it was us hanging in NYC, which we never really got to do, or the fact that I was pressed for time, or he was only here for a day, or whatever, but I realized that we're going to have to have more time before our friendship is there. 

It got me thinking about other relationships I've had in my life and how funny it is how they go wrong, or why, or when. Or how you can have this trait or habit that in the beginning or for the duration of the relationship, your partner/gf/bf/husband/wife/commonlawspouse/whathaveyou thinks it's adorable. They just can't get enough. But, the second the relationship is over, it's something they can focus on as being the most annoying thing about you. Or how your behavior was seemingly cute at the time will turn into a psychotic ex behavior once it's over.  Or sometimes, one of you that ruins the relationship realizes the mistake(s) you made and want nothing more to repair it, but the other person just won't hear it. And even though you both know that the other is constantly on your mind, they just won't have anything to do with you. 

When I was in high school. I dated a guy for a period of time, and somewhere in there was a breakup. It was good, but it took me several years to realize the break up was a good thing for me. But, immediately following, I became someone I never wanted to be again. Hell, even during the relationship, I was someone I promised myself I'd never be again. 

But the thing is that I let someone have so much control over who I was. I let go and loved someone with all of me. I mean, come on, I was in high school, and it's how everyone is the first time they fall in love. It felt good, but it was scary. And so quickly it was over. But, I promised myself I'd never do it again. So, over the years, I've opted for dating people that didn't make me feel like that. I pick people who let me have the upper hand, because when I feel like I don't have it, or I'm on even playing field, then I can't help but feel helpless and oh my god, what would happen if I actually fell in love with someone? The world would end. 

Well, recently, for the first time in about 10 years, I started feeling that way again, but I fucked it up. Royally. It doesn't matter how, or who. But I did. And there's a small, sometimes daily reminder in my life that I can't get rid of. It's a physical reminder that I have no control over. But the reminder is there, little signs here and there that make me think of it. And maybe that's the real reason I've been so down lately is I'm in mourning a little over the whole situation. 

But the problem isn't with that so much. It's in what I'm coming to realize that I do in the other situations. The ones where I have the upper hand. It's that no matter what, I will only experience love to a certain level. I had a boyfriend in college who I dated for just over three years and he always told me he felt like I only let him in a certain amount. And he was right. Because he wasn't someone who I could just lay my guard down for. I should have, and wanted to, but it wasn't the right time. Funny how we all have an instinct for that. 

And what makes me sad is when I know that my love isn't full. And most likely won't ever be. I've dated people in which I knew I couldn't love them as much as they wanted me to. It's not an easy situation to be in. It doesn't mean that I don't care about them, it just means that something isn't right for me.

There is something out there that is right for me. I just need to find it. Maybe I already have, or maybe I haven't, but I know it's there.

Getting by...

I've been in a funk lately. Not just a "it'll be better in a day or two" kind of thing. But I've been down. Now, I know that eventually it will get better. Deep in my heart I know I will be ok. But is it alright to just be ok? 

Usually, I don't know the cause of what's going on inside my head. I have crazy emotions that I struggle to define at times. It's as though I can sense the emotion, but lack the awareness of the cause. But, unfortunately for me, and some people around me, I know the cause. And equally unfortunate is that I lack the ability to do much about it without shocking the system. It doesn't have to be like that, but for me to achieve my ultimate goal in life, I'll most likely have to. 

So now that I have for myself identified why I'm being down, it's easy to start formulating plans to make it better. It's easy to look at the situation with some clarity and even easier to start being positive about life now that I know what's bringing me down. But, the plans I make to start pulling myself out of this aren't easy. People are going to end up with hurt feelings, broken hearts and will just end up damaged; myself included. Is that the price we have to pay for happiness in life, hurting other people and yourself just to get somewhere?

I am hoping that it doesn't have to be that bad, but maybe it does. But, the best part about it is that I know what I want. Even if I can't get it, I know it now. More than ever I know, and that's just half of the battle, right? And now that I know, I have to be persistent, patient, and some other "p" word that I can't think of right now to get what I want. And what I want will come to me in time. I know it will.

Silence.

There are times in my life that I am just quiet. It doesn't hide any subconscious feelings about anything. It just means I'm being silent. There is a comfort I find in taking this right of not speaking, as it throws everyone in my life off their game. Not many people know what to do with me. As I was told this weekend, it's as if I'm a snake observing it's prey, my words hanging back until the perfect opportunity to lash out and destroy something. I don't think I want to destroy anything, it's just that I kind of revel in the fact that no one can really get a read on me right now. Not even myself. I just enjoy the silence that makes everyone uncomfortable. 

Last Chance Pizza.

Last summer, I spent my time in Provincetown, MA doing a little show. The show itself it irrelevant, but the time I spent in P-town was remarkable. 

It gave me the time I needed to be away from the city, my friends, and my cell phone. I didn't have to answer to much of anything other than the show or myself. It was just nice to have the time to give myself some time. Since I'm a huge fan of spending quality time with oneself, I found it to be quite relaxing.

Most people told me before I left, "Oh my God! You're going to get laid all the time!" Or they said various other things that all meant the same as the previous exclamation. I shrugged it all off with the hopes that I'd just get in some good beach time, a tan, and maybe a few new friends. And that's basically what happened. Until one night, while getting pizza at the only place open in P-town after 1 AM, I met him. 

His muscles were flawless, and his face beautiful. His English wasn't impeccable, but his accent was adorable. I now lovingly refer to him as "my puerto rican." That first night I met him, I didn't sleep with him. God knows I wanted to, but fate had something else in mind for me. A competition of sorts.

While speaking with him, I realized that I was competing with everyone else around him for his attention, yet, I felt that I was in the lead. I was the only one who's number he asked for, while everyone was throwing theirs at him. I also had the advantage of our cast house having a hot tub on our back patio. And since our cast enjoyed throwing hot tub parties that usually consisted of our own cast, I told him that we were having one and he should stop by. He told me he was going after more pizza, but would call me later to confirm. Well, I was slightly miffed. I thought I had missed my chance. I got home and flung my phone on my bed in the basement and went upstairs to bitch to my friends and drink. Later, I realized that I had missed a call from him, so I felt like even more of a douche. "That's it," I thought, "my chance has passed."

Not so.

The next day, I ran into him on my way to the gym. We did our quickened work outs and then spent the entire day together, parting only when I had to go to my show. Each day after followed the same. Inseparable only for my show. Granted, it was a fling, but each day was so intense that I felt that I could really have a relationship with this person. He was so sweet and wonderful and since I hadn't had a relationship in several years, I thought he was just a sign I was ready. I didn't think he was the one I could have been with, just simply a sign of fate that I was ready. And with that little sign, I kind of felt a little possessive over him. Just a touch.

Since then, he and I have parted ways, barely speaking, but from time to time I hear from him. Last I heard he is engaged. It kind of struck a chord deep in my heart. I felt a little sad. But, what's it's since taught me is to be happy for other people. To be truly happy and content with what works for them. To let go of that thought of, "maybe one day..." or "if only i had done this..." or whatever.

But, the bottom line is, I'm learning to do this. I haven't perfected it yet. It's not easy to know that your ex is dating. Hell, I have a hard time sometimes with my 'major ex' dating and he and I broke up YEARS ago, are now incredibly close and have no chance in hell of ever getting back together again. It's just weird sometimes to see him with other people. Or to know so well the places I shouldn't go. So, letting it all go can feel sad, and yet empowering. And it's kind of fun.

Smile

I just finished watching season 8 of Will & Grace. 

That's every episode ever.

I can die now.

I get it...

No need to count. 

It's hard to breathe.

I get it.

We need some air.

Really?

As I rapidly approach the young, wonderful age of 28, I am burdened with the knowledge that I have learned much over the last few years, but also, I have learned very little. Let me explain.

I have learned much about the dynamics of my family. How we function to help each other, how we love each other, all of that. I have learned a great deal about my friends. What makes them tick, how we relate to one another. I've also learned a little bit of myself. Not that much, but some. But what I've learned nothing about is the way I relate to the people I choose to date.

I am not a product of divorce. I have no heartbreaking tales of how I traveled back and forth from mom and dad's different locations. There was no kind grandmother/aunt/uncle/greataunt/cousin or anyone swooping in to save me from the mess my parents created. My parents actually have a tremendously rich and loving relationship. I'm constantly reminded of how much they love each other. It's in the little things I see they do for each other and the small sacrifices they've made for themselves and my sisters and myself. I know they created a family that I one day hope I can have with my own children. But, is there something I have missed along the way that prevents me from having a successful relationship with someone else?

This year alone, I've had several crumbling relationships with people. They have one common factor; me. I know that I am the problem. I know that I have previously stated to some of my friends that I believe I will eventually be alone in my life. It's the only common thread I have with old gay men who have no one. I won't end up with an insane amount of cats. I won't have some gay-ass sewing circle. There will be no book club/movie club/recipe club of any kind. That's not me at all. I usually look down on that shit. 

But, that still doesn't answer why I have such a horrible time staying. I know that I'm a guy and I'm gay. Two things that are working overtime to prevent me from staying in a relationship. But, I want to know why it has to be that way? I'd like to think there's something much deeper going on inside my head that prevents me from being able to say, "yes, I want to be with this one person. Maybe not forever, but for now we can stand still." Maybe it's just that I'm afraid staying still too long will prevent me from moving forward with the personal goals I have for myself. (I'm not trying to sleep with every man on the planet, but... I have goals for what I want for my career and just things I want to accomplish). 

I've been accused of being confused, afraid of being alone, and not knowing what I want lately. To the person who said that, you were right, despite my best efforts to dissuade you. And you know it. You saw through me better than most. You were right, though. And you put it in front of my face. I now have to face that big pink elephant everyday. It's not something I'm proud of. But, it's getting a little easier to try to fix it. 

But, I don't know what I want. Making decisions has never been my strong suit. And once I make a decision, I spend the next bit of time I have weighing if that decision was right or not. I will beat myself up so badly that I stop sleeping. Or I'll wake up in the middle of the night and just sit, motionless, seemingly in a state of sleep, but really I'm awakened by my restless thoughts, or the bad dreams I'm having because of my inability to commit to one idea. So, that's why it happens, and I've been walking in my sleep lately too. A couple of weeks ago, I actually crawled out of my lofted bed and woke up in the bathroom. I climbed down a ladder and went to the bathroom before I woke up. But, I digress.

Did I really learn nothing from my parents, though? Did I not figure out how to take their 33+ years as a model for something I want in my own life? NO. To be simple, I did take a lot of what they gave me as an example. I use it to my advantage, but I know that I've let it overrule a lot of what I should let happen naturally. And now, I'm just afraid of making a mistake. I don't want to get to the point of being 50 and looking back and regret staying with the same person for so long, instead of going after something else. 

That's all. So, in response to what people think of me, I'm afraid of making a mistake. And in the midst of that, I keep making mistakes. So now, I'm completely focused on just "being." So whatever that means, that's what I'm committing to. Above and beyond anything else. My apologies have been sent, if they are accepted, I'll be happy. If not, I'll eventually become happy again. If it means I spend the rest of my life single, so be it. If I end up with someone, great. Either way, I'm going to keep myself positive (in the emotional sense) and I'm going to just be who I know I am. 

WTF???

Yesterday, I watched a squirrel pee while perched on a tree. 

I, until this point of my life, have never questioned the lavatorial behaviors of wildlife. 

WOW..... I mean, WOW

Random String of Thoughts...

yes you were right, i'm afraid, afraid to be right, afraid to be wrong, and afraid of myself with you, so much control and power of the situation and even more now, so that's why i live in silence now, i wonder about you constantly, living in a world where i'm allowed to see you but no longer speak to or touch you, dreading each day, maybe i'll see you, more worried that i won't, and i lied, BIGTIME, and denied all of the above, when i should have just been honest with what was going on inside my head, but no, no no no no no no no no no, i'm stupid, and it'll haunt me for awhile, but i'm sure we'll both move forward, and i know i can't take it back, but i still replay the damn video in my head, maybe i was afraid that you weren't REALLY going to give me a second chance, because you were already so skeptical? but maybe, one day, the hopeless romantic inside of me will be able to come out and i won't put him away, and just maybe something will last, and the hunger for more will subside and i won't feel as though i'm settling for what everyone else wants for me, and i'll be able to talk about what my wants and needs as if they are a part of me, instead of something bigger, and something/someone will side with me and feel just as i have, and will give me something to hold on to, or rather, i'll give them something to hold on to, but for now, i will pray for my salvation and redemption and know that one day i will be free...

Life at it's finest.

Everything is confusing. Or, rather, something is confusing for everyone. No one is exempt from this word/world. Yes, I say "word slash world" because it is a word, but the meaning is so much more. 

Some people are confused by inflation. Some people are confused by directions. Other people have bigger confusions in their life such as, Abortion, Voting, etc. These ones are slightly bigger. The realm of confusion exists for the purpose of allowing us to find out who we are. Our innate being. So, while simply ideologies and thoughts confuse us, the bigger issues are the ones that shape our lives. 

However, it doesn't just end there. The confusion begins and a person has no clue how to handle it. They know that it will inevitably shape the outcome of who they are, and once a decision is made, they will be changed. It's in the growing during the decision process that we become our true selves. Adding in the weighted factor of how outside people respond to us during our state of confusion. It's in this process that we truly learn more about ourselves. 

I'm no stranger to confusion. If anyone's ever heard the song "Hot 'n Cold" by Katy Perry, you would think the song was written for me. My grandma used to call me "Contrary" when I was a kid, and to this day, does so on occasion. It's not really something I'm proud of, but it is something I'm aware of. So, having said that, it's probably time to let everyone know that I've been more confused about my life and it's direction this year than ever before. I almost quit acting entirely after several years of growing success. I ended a relationship that wasn't quite right for me at the time, and even if we'd had adequate time before we were separated, I'm not sure we'd have made it. 

I then spent my summer dating a few people. Narrowing it down, I found that I was truly torn. I eventually chose a path to continue forward with, and I'm pretty sure I did the right thing. However, I know there are situations I handled poorly this summer. I could have been more clear with people about what I wanted from the beginning. And in the midst of all of my own personal confusion, I let them get hurt. For that, I'll be forever regretful. I wish I could go back and fix the damage I've caused, but the fact is, I know that I can't, and I'll just have to live with that knowledge. 

So now where does that leave me? Am I free of confusion? Not entirely. But, I'm getting there. Life all about enjoying the process and the journey or something like that, so I'm trying to find my way back to the more enjoyable path I started just a few years ago. And yes, I've made some mistakes, but I can't let those mistakes eat away at me forever, or I'll lose my mind. And I'm sure there will be more confusion headed my way any day now, but hopefully I'll be able to turn to my friends for support and get through it. 

Being around...

1. It's rough waiting for friends to call back. 

2. There isn't enough time in the day.

3. There aren't enough apologies in me to rectify the wrongs I've done. 

4. There is TONS of hope for the future. (maybe I'll figure it out and won't be afraid of it.)

5. It's difficult to come to a fork in the road with a friend and wonder if you should just stop trying with them.

6. It's a curiosity of mine that maybe I'm now treating others as I've been treated by them or people before them. 

7. "Letting you Go" sung by Lauren Kennedy is a song I've never felt more connected with than at this moment. 

I think 7 is enough for today. I could go on, but why bother. You know where I'm at. And I'm still waiting for my "yes."

I know (revised)

"Why is so hard to tell you what I want? Why can't you just read my mind?

I know that I was wrong. I can't tell you that enough. I went through the motions there for a little bit. Maybe it was because I needed to figure out how to prepare myself for you. I lied when I told you that I thought it would have ended in just a few months. It was just my defense for being scared.

So, I returned your books with a rose. Yes I know you get flowers all the time. Trust me, I know how desired you are. I felt stupid sometimes with you because I knew that people looked at me as if they were saying, "how the fuck did you land him?" Trust me. I saw it all. That was one thing you never had to tell me. Maybe I felt inadequate. Usually I didn't, but sometimes yes, I did. Still, it's no excuse.

I played the game. Not because I could, but because I was scared to let go of myself. I am afraid that if I do, I'll get hurt worse than I hurt you. But, that's my issue to get over, not yours. It leaves me now desperate to see you where I always did, and sad when I don't. You've probably moved on. There must have been a thousand boys waiting in line behind me.

And yes. I want to try. Not half assed, but full on. The only problem is, I don't know if you want me to. I scanned your face for a simple sign, but you just sat on your iphone writing your thoughts. So yes, you deserved SO much more than I gave you, but I know it's there. It was never difficult to be with you. Only difficult to be without you and even moreso to hurt you. So then, it's there, just waiting for you to say yes.

(Original Posting)
I know everything I did was wrong.

I know that my timing was off

There's nothing more I can do,

so what's wrong with one small cliche?

I am bad with words so I put them out there

like it's all I have.

I'm bad with voicing the thoughts inside my head.

So much of it is me me me, I I I.

And none of it was you you you.

But that's for me to deal with and sadly, without you.

So, we'll get by and move forward, but from the line we just drew

No more us,

there's just me

and there's just you.

You'll go on and find something better

and I'll be alone, most likely, still searching.

And it's all ok because that's how it is.

We pick up our pieces and move on

And I'm amazed at how I don't learn.

So that's that.

Angels Among Us.

So, I used to have this friend, Julie. We weren't what I would call my bestie, but I felt close with her during my last couple of years in college. She actually was the best friend of my oldest friend. But, that's just sending it around too much. 

Anywho. Julie was a wonderful person. She always had something positive to say, at least to me, about EVERYONE. She was someone that was constantly lighting up a room and convincing people to follow the path they truly felt they needed to be on. She was quite remarkable. I reference her in the past tense because she is, sadly, no  longer with us. 

One of the most kind acts she would bestow upon me, personally, was that she would call me every now and again and just talk. She would extend her warm, caring sympathetic voice with such ease and grace and would just let me know that I had a friend. There was always advice given and her own personal experiences could be shared in such a way that wasn't bragging or showing off, just things she felt relevant to help me out. Coincidentally, these phone calls would occur around times that I felt myself in utter chaos, moments of despair, or just times when I was low. She always found a way to lift my spirits and inspire me to forge the road ahead. 

Well, it's been about a year and a half since she passed on, and one thing I miss tremendously is those phone calls. I still have her number in my phone and occasionally, I will look at her number and wish I could still speak with her. Especially today. Lately, I've just felt so lost and as though I don't know what I'm doing with my life. And so, I looked at her number in my phone and then headed down the steps to board my train to take me back to harlem for the night. As I was sitting on the train organizing my thoughts, a girl got on, and sat across from me. As I studied her, I realized I was looking at someone who looked a considerable amount like Julie. The hair was different and she never would have worn such a trendy "east village" ensemble, but the face and smile and color of hair were almost like I remembered her. 

I know that I've never seen this girl before in my life. My eyes fixated on hers for what seemed like an eternity, and she never broke contact. She looked right back at me as if she could see inside my soul. After only two stops she stood up to exit the train. Just as the doors were closing, she turned back and looked at me and I could see her watching me leave, and it was almost like she disappeared into thin air as the train pulled me away. 

The crazy thing about it is that I felt better almost immediately. It was as if Julie had been there the whole time. I felt warm and tingly inside. It made me think that maybe she is still around watching over all of the people she knew. Protecting them, or just making them feel at ease. The entire scenario was just plain eerie.

I don't know if I believed in angels when I was younger, but I do now. As I've gotten older, I've been in situations in which I believe there was some kind of powerful intervening force protecting me. I also believe there are angels that walk among us to help us along the way. I believe the woman I saw on the train might be one of them. Even though we never spoke, she brought me more peace than I have known in awhile.