Change...

I recently hung out with someone I haven't really spent much time with over the last couple of years. We had a good time spiced with a few awkward moments, but that was expected. However, just before he left, he looked at me and said, "You're a completely different person." It struck me as odd, but I brushed it off and went on my way.

As the next few days passed, I started thinking about it more. Did he mean that I'm a completely different person because I'm not as jaded as I was two years ago? Did he mean that I'm different because overall I've become someone I never thought I would? Did he mean that I've grown very satisfied in a relationship and somewhat co-dependent and two years ago I promised I never would? Did he mean I'm different because I have a new tattoo? I honestly don't know. But it just became this whole statement that I've noticed coming from more and more of my friends.

When two people meet, their paths suddenly cross and they are in each others lives. But given that some friends are made while doing a show, the business of theatre will keep them apart for a very long time. So, when one meets a friend then has a few years between times of hanging out, it's expected to notice a difference in those people. For example, when I was on tour, I was gone from NYC four a mere 4 months before I had a break to come back home. Then I went back out on the road for another 4 months. In those short 7-8 months, I felt like I was constantly changing and growing, and I'm sure I was, btu it was more concentrated in the bubble that is a tour. I was seeing the same 40 people every day. I didn't get to see my friends, I didn't get to talk to them as much as I wanted. So when I got back to NYC I felt like the the world had changed around me and I had been standing still. I immediately slipped into depression. I felt so far behind everyone. And I felt like I had missed out. When did my best friend cut her hair so short? When did another friend book his first broadway show? And another friend's mother passed away. I missed it all.

Anywho, the point is that yes I've changed a lot in the past couple of years. But I think it's all been for the best. A lot of it has to do with the person I'm dating. It's funny how much one person can influence your life. I always hear of people saying that their friends' boyfriend or girlfriend is really bad for them. I constantly hear how much people love mine. And how they think a positive influence has been made on my life. So, yes, that changes things. I'm more settled now. I'm ready to build a life with someone. A year and a half ago, I wasn't ready for that. But, sometimes when you meet someone, you just know that they're going to be in your life for a long long time. And, sadly, there are other people you meet that you know you aren't destined to be with, even when you make certain decisions. Whether that decision is getting involved when you know you shouldn't, or making the decision to walk away because you know it's the best thing for both of you even though it's difficult.

Overall, change is gradual, but when you spend so much time away from people, the change seems drastic. That's just how it is.

Change is good, and it's bad, but when it's good, everything becomes possible

Long Time Coming...

I haven't written for a very long time. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because the last few months I've been in some really desperate need of soul searching. Maybe it's because I took on a second job that ruined every aspect of my social life. Maybe it's because I became consumed with a relationship. Maybe it's just because I simply couldn't find the time. But today, I decided I had to write a few things about the past few months. Or few weeks, which were most important anyways.

So, backtracking to April. I spent a lot of time working on a show that is now about to begin a rehearsal period then open for the summer. It's been a fun time of casting, some rehearsals, and now we're about to begin. It's been wonderful. There was a stint in there that I was working at a restaurant and also bartending at a lounge. The lounge turned out to not be the best place for me, but I managed.

Anywho, a couple of weeks ago, I went up to Maine to see a show. I few of my friends were in it, as well as one of my dearest friends in the world. This particular friend was the catalyst for my going to see the show, and it so happens that I haven't seen this girl perform since college. And since college was some time ago, we'll just say that's a LONG time. HAHA. Anywho, I prepped my traveling companion for the brilliance that he was about to see when she came to the stage. How amazing she's always been, how her voice is gorgeous, and how I was excited to see her in a role I hadn't seen her do before. (We did this show in college and she was a different part. just to clue everyone in.)

So, I spent all of this time prepping him for how great she is, when, in reality, I should have been prepping myself. What happened on stage was almost miraculous. No amount of boasting of this girl's talent kept me even in the ballpark for what she did on that stage. She was funny, charming, sassy, beautiful, and just overall flawless. I've always known this girl was talented. But that isn't quite it. Talent isn't even the right word to describe her. I've seen people perform that I always thought they were good, but this girl, she is truly remarkable. I have to remind myself that I am this girl's friend. It's truly an honor and a blessing that she is in my life, aside from the kick ass stage antics.

But, the best thing is, she has no clue how amazing she really is. I don't think she ever will. But, it's her own gracious humble attitude that keeps her grounded. This particular job was a long time coming, but, it came and now I believe that she will be on a new wonderful journey because of it. So, if you read this, then just know that if you know a woman named Christine LaDuca, then you are in the presence of greatness.

Moving on to this weekend. Or rather, today. Today is a bittersweet day in my life. I just got to Provincetown, MA, for what will be my second time. But, that's not what's really important. What's really important is that today, I realized something about the past year of my life. I believe that an angel was sent to me. I believe that I have exhibited some destructive behavior over the last year, and someone upstairs wanted me to have this angel in my life. Because no matter what I said or did, he stayed with me. He fought me to see through all of my faults and find goodness again. He stayed by my side even when I told him, falsely, that I wanted him to go. He saw through all of the badness and the crap, and found me.

I realized all of this while watching him drive away. Yup, he has gone for the summer. Well, really, I've gone. I decided to come up to P-town for my show and I've left him to fend for himself in NYC. But, he kindly agreed to come with me to bring me up here. And it was watching him leave that everything bad thing I've said to him suddenly became a regret in my head. Every ignorant action I made over the last year suddenly seemed so trivial. Because at that moment of watching him, I realized how truly lucky I am that he found me. I am so lucky because I have love in my life. I have something to really hold on to. A gift like this only comes once in your life, maybe more if you're really special, but for me, I'm pretty sure it's just a one time occurrence. I know some of my friends reading this are probably about to vomit, but it's just something so good, I can't help myself. Things that used to make me feel jaded and vile over, I suddenly love. The influence is completely positive, so let's just leave it that I'm one of the lucky ones.

I truly am.

Easter...And Other things.

I was fortunate enough to spend Easter with a family that isn't mine. It's a family much like my own, but slightly different. The way that they are much like mine is that everyone is different and everyone has different ideals about life, but the central focus of their lives is their family bond and most importantly, love. Like my family, they are remarkable, adaptable, unique and wonderful. 

It's always interesting  spending a holiday with another family because one never knows if their own family did things the same way, and you're always seeing into the private lives of another family. But, the Easter I just spent was very much like the ones I spend, or have spent with my own family. Everything from decorating eggs, hiding them for the kids, hanging out with the adults, to catching up on the latest family gossip, sharing in laughs, joy and lots of wonderful times.

So, for me, this Easter was particularly special, because I hit a turning point. I went to spend Easter with a family that I thought, "ok maybe one day I'll be a part of this family." I left this morning from their house yearning to become a part of their lives. I met the "in-laws," and while nervous, I found myself really enjoying myself. I got to see into the more personal life of someone I'm dating. And I found myself falling in love a little bit deeper. 

I got to spend a fun three days with a family that's not my own and felt like I belonged. I hope that one day, I do belong to that family and can just add those wonderful people to the family that I already have, know and love.

Love.

A lot of people spend their whole life looking for love. I know that I have a great deal of love in my life. I know that I'm a pretty lucky guy. I have tons of friends, and great relationships with my parents and family. But, I've always wondered how love works between two people of a romantic nature. More or less, I've tried to define it. Truth is, it's not definable. 

I know that it's there in the sandwich left for me in the fridge when I get home from work, even if the words I love you aren't written on it. I know it's there for me in the layers of blankets and pillows set up on the floor when I come home from a hard day and get pampered with a massage. I know it's there in the small gifts or surprises I get throughout the day. Love is very much in the text messages that I receive, the voicemails I get, or the notes and letters and cards. It's crazy how a feeling and emotion can exist without being seen, but just felt. 

Inside my whole being, I feel it. And it's crazy because I never thought I'd be this guy. The "i love you" kind of guy. I figured I'd just live on my own for a long long time. But now, I have someone I want to spend time with, someone I completely just love having around for no other reason then we have fun. But I'm sitting in my living room just past 2 in the morning and I know that I am loved. How lucky am I for that?

Another day...

I haven't written about work in awhile and tonight was a really good night at work, so I thought I'd share. I was feeling a little bit feisty tonight, so it made everything a little bit better. Plus, everyone at my tables were pretty awesome and willing to play back with me so it got really good.

My first great experience came with a party of 10. I was dropping off alcoholic drinks, and an infant of about 7 months reached for my tray. This next convo was amazing.

Me(as the infant reached for the tray) No no sweetie, you might not want those. (then to her mother) Or maybe she's trying to start young.

Mother- Well you know she wasn't on the bottle at all, but she keeps reaching for everyone's beer bottle. I don't know where she gets it.

Me- Uh-oh. You'd better keep an eye on her. She'll probably grow up to be a stripper.

Mother died of laughter and told the story several more times during the night. 

Second table was pretty awesome. It was a family of four. Parents and two boys, one gay and one not gay.

When the food arrived I went back to check in with everyone and the gay child (around 7 or 8) looked at me and said, "Everything is excellent" with a slight lisp and head tilt that makes me want to set aside his gay manuel and send it to him when he turns 18. I mean, the kid will need some help.

Later on, I walked to the table and apparently the father did something rude but I heard the following conversation.

Mom- Just because your father does it sometimes doesn't make it polite.

Kid- Well then, I can't wait to be an adult, You wanna know why, mom?

Mom- Why?

Kid- Because then I can do whatever the hell I want to. Just like Dad.

AMAZING! That kid was about 10. 

Stuff...

I have come to realize something today. Everyone is living the "leading role" of their own lives. So, no matter what happens, a person can actually justify any of their own actions. It's funny how we can hurt other people, or be hurt by others, lie to people, be lied to, and in our own personal view, it's all about ourselves. But, that makes sense, because we're living our own lives. So we can either forgive people for the wrong things they've done, or we can't. But the beauty of the situation is we will do what we think is best for ourselves first. Or should, but that's a whole other situation.

The other thing i've come to realize, and I'm sure it's really hippie/crunchy for me to think this... But we are all beautiful people. We all deserve greatness in our lives. Every one of us. There isn't a person out there that I think doesn't deserve good things in their life. I have a really close friend who, for whatever reason, can't see the good. For some reason she's decided that she isn't getting what she wants. I don't know how to help her move forward to see how to get closer to her goals. I don't know how to get her to see that she deserves to have happiness in her life. It's so crazy. I wish she could see herself the way I see her. She'd see that she is such a wonderful person, inside and out, someone who takes care of her family, her friends. Everyone who knows her, knows how great she is, how beautiful she is, and how talented. It just comes down to believing it beyond all reason.

All i'm saying is, my friends are beautiful people. If they weren't, we wouldn't be friends. And I'm also saying that there are two sides to every story, it just depends on who you talk to. Some people look at things differently because, like I said, "leading role."

Been Awhile...

You know how sometimes one part of a song will hit you, make you think of someone, make you cry, laugh, or anything, even when the song itself isn't all that wonderful? Well, I recently got a need album and there's a line in it that sums up a lot of my past few months perfectly...

"I am sassy, I am sappy,

When I'm with you, I am Happy..."

Obviously, this song makes me think of someone very close to me. I hate to think of some of the ways I've treated him over the past year, and very thankful that I was given the second chance to make things right. 

Anywho, I spent a lot of time tonight thinking about this person. While talking with my friend, Heather, we talked a lot about how I haven't really been involved lately, but how much I've changed and actually started wanting something more than what I had experienced. When I was asked about this person, all I could say was, "he'll be around for awhile."

After about 20 minutes of talking and some wonderful tasty-d, I made my way home via MTA (bastards) and all I could think about was him. I actually walked down the street with a little skip in my step. For anyone who knows me, you should already know that I'm someone who would kick my own ass for something like that. But, tonight I didn't care. I got home and was welcomed warmly at the door and after a few minutes, I was asked if I was alright. I know that I am fine, but with him I'm better than I ever thought I could be. 

I have said it many times. I've always pitied people in love. I never wanted to be one of those people. I never wanted to date. I never wanted a boyfriend. Every time I saw a couple in love I wanted to throw up. Well, sadly folks I'm now one of those people and I'm happy about it. 

A friend of mine told me last fall that he missed the old steve. Well, fortunately, and somewhat unfortunately, the old "steve" is gone. I know now that if I ever find myself single again, it will be incredibly different time in my life. 

Moving on....

There are some people in my life that are perhaps stuck in a rut. I hope they realize that there are opportunities waiting around the corner. If they can stick it out and keep their dreams in focus, they'll figure it out. I promise. And I'll be there if you need me.... ILUMS...

Have a good night everyone...

Thoughts from today...

Several things happened today that just made me pause and take a minute to think about them.

1. I saw a homeless woman begging for money in the subways today while sending text messages on her cell phone. Hmmm? Yeah you read that right. My guess is one would need to appear more helpless to get more money, but hey, maybe that works for her.

2. Lesbians don't tip. I'm not sure what the girls have against men, but I had 2 lesbians at my table tonight with a bill of $100. My tip was $5. Hmmm, maybe they are spending all that extra money buying hair care products. Oh wait! They don't use them.

And

3. I overheard a woman talking about her husband no longer allowing her to spend $100 a week on anything frivolous. Apparently, she's been buying new clothes each week, perfume, or whatever she needs and because of the economy, her husband wants her to save some money, so he's cutting her off. If you do the math, she's spending $5,200 a year, roughly. If she's been married 15 years, that's a lot of money that could be saved. Stupid lady. I mean, seriously, she wasn't blind or deaf, so she must know what's going on in the world. 

THE END

How do we decide?

I've spent a lot of time in my life telling myself that I wanted something more. I wanted the next best thing. I wanted the better grade, the better job, the better school. Everything seemed to just be on the verge of something great. Everything. It could have been food, clothes, anything. And it wasn't just me telling myself this, it was all of the people around me; parents, siblings, grandparents, teachers, everyone.

So, I guess it stands to reason that I am 28 and so ready to just throw everything away for no other reason than the grass seeming greener. It seems that one small aspect of my life can be still for just a moment. I can settle into it and let it grow and watch what happens. But, I still have this nagging voice in my head that tells me the next best thing is on the horizon. It's been very difficult to turn it off, and sometimes I can't. Somedays it's so easy. But what I find more difficult is not letting it affect everything else in my life. I can't let it get to the point where I let my life not happen because I want one extra thing in my life. I have to find the balance. But where do I find it?

How do I go from living a life that is so unstructured and unpredictable to trying to have a structured relationship, while maintaining a healthy focus on myself and the career that I thought I wanted? How do I maintain wanting to go away for a few small months, yet continue to nurture someone else and what we are trying to build together? 

I'm sure this comes as no surprise, but I've dated a few people. Just a few. It always ends. I could blame everyone else for not being the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I'd be lying. I'm not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. The problem lies within me. I used to be so motivated and focused on what I wanted. And now, it just isn't there anymore. So how do you find happiness within yourself while trying to keep a relationship going that you know is good? Is there really a way to find it all? 

As a skeptical person, I don't think so, but there's always a little voice of hope in my head. 

Age...

I have a friend who has lied about her age almost as long as I've known her. When we met several years ago, she was a couple of years older than me. As of this month, she's currently the same age as me. Now, I really don't care that she lies about this, because many people do. But what's the big deal? It's almost that she thinks that she has to because she does, in fact, look a little bit younger than she really is. Or maybe it's because she has less going for her right now than she'd like. But, it's just annoying at this point.

About a year ago, said friend and I were out and someone(a different friend of mine) came over and asked me her age and I said, truthfully what it was. And then without masking any contempt for me, I was corrected, and not only corrected, but was reprimanded for lying. Then she looked at the person who had asked and said she was younger than me! What's really funny about this is that the guy who wanted to ask my friend out decided not to because he felt that my girlfriend was too wrapped up in superficial bullshit. He only asked her age to make sure she was old enough to be out of college. He would have been more into her had she been truthful. So, by lying, she lost out on a chance to possibly date someone really wonderful. My two friends have since become mutual acquaintances, but still, there may have been more.

So this is my thing. I'm 28. No, I haven't accomplished everything I wanted to by the age of 28. I will be turning 29 this year. I know that there are people much younger than me that have gone on to do great things. But, it's not a bad thing to be 28 and not be where you thought you would be. There are many people in this world who make it their whole lives not doing what they thought they would. The best you can hope for is to live your life each day and make the most of it. Chase your dreams and don't let anything stop you. I know this is all advice that I should take myself, but I'm figuring that out on my own time. So the next time you bitch about your job, if you really hate it that much, quit. You can always find another one. Maybe not right now in the current economy, but if you've been bitching for 5 years about a job you hate, then change your life. You're not stuck in a rut because you can't get out, you're stuck in a rut because you won't get out. And age is seriously a number, those people who make a big deal about it and feel they have to lie? Well everyone cares how old you are because you make a big deal about hiding it. Why? No one would care if you said you were really about to be 32 or 40, because most of us already know how old you are anyways.

So, let it go. The things you think people will care about are what they will most likely care least about.