The past six months or so I have been depressed. Perhaps it was because I was really nervous about turning thirty, or maybe because I was just so upset about not knowing which direction I wanted to go with my life. Whatever the reason, I seemed to have lost my way. I got so bogged down with being worrying about the fact that I was still a waiter, and wasn't auditioning for anything and didn't even want to. It was so hard for me to see anything good in my life.
About five years ago I dated someone who looked me square in the face and told me that I was too negative and he couldn't handle being around me anymore. My immediate reaction was, "fuck you!" But, the more I thought about it, the more I thought he might be right. That same day I received a forward from my Grandma in my e-mail. I don't know why I read it, but I did. The entire story was about a man who suffered
sever trauma and extreme situations in his life, but kept a positive attitude. I could tell you the whole story, but that would take forever. The point of the story was how he did it. He woke up everyday and told himself, "I chose to be happy today." That's it. He made a choice every single day about the attitude he wanted.I couldn't believe the coincidence. Shocked and a little bit hurt, I tucked my pride away and decided that I needed to change my life. I wrote a small little note and put it up next to my light switch in my bedroom that read, "I chose to be happy today. No matter what comes my way, I am a strong individual who can endure anything." I know I know that sounds lame, but it worked. I didn't feel a change immediately, but I worked on it, and within a few weeks, I knew that I had changed my life.
On the flip-side, I did run into the person I had dated about a year later, and he looked at me, stunned, and asked, "what happened to you?" And I told him about how he had changed my life. Well, him and my grandma. But the point is, they changed my life for the better.
Now, I'm someone who goes up and down a lot in my life. There are some high points and definitely some low points. That moment a few years ago was definitely a low point. And for some reason, the past six months, I allowed myself to get back to that point again. I'm not sure how I just let it happen but I did.
So, now I have to take inventory of my life and figure out what's so good about it. I have a wonderful life with an insanely caring man, and our puppy. I have amazing friends, too many to give individual shoutouts, but you all know who you are. My family and I love each other and see each other whenever we can. The past six months, I went to Florida to see my sister and took trips up to Massachusetts to see Matt's family, as well as going to P-town to see friends, and i went to two wonderful weddings. So I have family, friends, a job, vacations, fun, a dog, a boyfriend. That
sounds like a pretty effing amazing life to me. The only thing missing? A career. Well, that will work itself out. The next thing I had to do was compare where I'm at now, to where I was several years ago when I had hit a low point. My relationship with my family was on the way to getting better, I had just met some people who are now my best friends, I had just
started a new job, I had no boyfriend, no dog, no vacations, and no career. Plus, I was really selfish, bitchy and immature. So, I'd say that I've made some serious strides in my life to make it better.
So, how did I let it get so bad? I have no idea. Somehow I just forgot that my life is
essentially good and wonderful. I have people in my life who have supported me in any decision I've made, and constantly remind me how great our lives are. They remind me that a life not enjoyed is not a life lived. The weeks leading up to my birthday, all of this hit me like a ton of bricks. So, I have to give credit and sincere thanks to all of the fantastic people in my life. And what do I really want in the next year of my life? Or the next decade, for that
matter. I want to continue my upswing of knowing how lucky I am. I want to spend more time with my friends and make it home to see my family more. As far as my career goes, I just want in the next year to find something that I love to do and figure out a way to make a go for it. Something that I feel passionate about that I can handle doing without getting bored with it. And the best part is, I think I've found it. I just have to remember, that no matter what, I can do anything I want and I can change my mind at anytime. I just want to go at it full force so I know if it's really something to do.
And now I'm 30. The big 3-0. It as a rough few months before, but now, literally, it's going to be the best year of my life. I can feel it. And it feels good. :)
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