Riggle me this, asshole on the train?

It's been awhile since I've written anything, and something happened the other day that's just WAY too good not to write about. Even now, as I think about it, I get pissed off, excited, and feel the adrenaline pumping hardcore.

Wednesday morning, I was leaving to go to the gym, then work, then a bunch of stuff to do later in the evening. I took the 1 local train to 96th street and crossed the platform to transfer to the express train. I do this switch a lot, so I know exactly where I need to stand for the right car and the right door. So, I go to my spot. Very near to where I need to be standing, I saw a man standing reading his newspaper with his elbows far out to the side in a very blocked and defensive stance, almost as if he's ready for a rush of football players to come and attack him for his newspaper. I step up next to him, and I notice him jabbing his elbow at me, as if to ward me off from standing too close to him. I disregard him and wait for the train.

The train comes and I'm exactly where I need to be; just to the right side of the door so passengers can get off the train and then I can move smoothly on. The man moves to the left of the door, irritated. Most likely, it's because I got the good spot by the door. I don't really care, because I'm not completely in a rush to get to the gym anyways. But, I notice that he is overtly angry about being on the left side of the door and about the number of people getting off the train. Still, I disregard him.

Then, as I'm getting on the train, I notice one seat available, which I decide 7 inches of space isn't really a seat. As I make the mental decision to stand on the other side of the train, the man with the newspaper comes barreling through the train and knocks me to the floor of the train. Seriously, I'm on the floor. Stunned, I didn't know what to do. Being someone who normally doesn't stand up for myself, I surprised even myself when I started yelling at the man, "what the fuck? Are you kidding me? You're an asshole!" All of the obscenities I could think of, while a large black man helped me up and he was yelling at the guy, "not cool dude, you fucking prick!" Then looked at me and asked if I was ok, and of course I was fine, but just pissed at the asshole who knocked me down. And this guy helping me up was HUGE! His head was almost touching the ceiling of the train, and he weighed at least 350. I'm not even kidding.

Meanwhile, the jerk in question was flipping me off from his perch, because let's be honest, he still wasn't really sitting down in 7 inches of space. And I'm pretty sure I heard a, "fuck you, faggot," but can't be certain because I had my headphones on. So, here he is, being rude and nasty and flipping me off, and I just wouldn't, no couldn't let it go. I"m never like this. I usually let a lot of things go, but this time, I just couldn't. I was screaming at him from across the train like an idiot, and I didn't even care! It was like I was outside of my body, watching myself behave like an idiot, but unable to stop myself.

It was at that moment that I realized other people on the train were saying and yelling things at him too. What what? It was one of the many times since moving to NYC that I have felt such joy and pride and a sense of community to realize that my fellow New Yorkers were standing up for me. It was incredible. And all the man did was flip people of or say, "fuck you, -----(insert any demographical slur here)----." I mean, for real, that's all you got ass? Come on, be creative at least!

Then, the most incredible thing happened that I have ever seen! The teeny tiny old lady (i later found out she was 90) picked up her cane and smacked him in the leg! She screamed, "you fucking prick! you should have to stand!" I stopped cold. For real, a 90 year old woman. I was in heaven! But then it kept going!

The man screamed back, "fuck you, cunt! You can't hit me!"

And in a high pitched squeal she screamed back, "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'MMMMM NINETY! I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO! I HOPE A PREGNANT LADY GETS ON SO I CAN BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA YOU TO GET YOUR ASS UP!" That's how I found out she was 90, btw. I am not even kidding when I tell you that if there were different levels of heaven, I was in the highest one at that moment. I literally saw Jesus come down from heaven and say, "dear steven, you're such a good person, please enjoy what is now unfolding before your very eyes." It was amazing!!!

Keep in mind that all of this happened over the course of two subway stops on the express 2 train from 96th st to 42nd st. And by the time I got off at 42nd st, the man was still getting yelled at by passengers. I couldn't believe it! I mean, wouldn't it have been easier to just go to another car? Or better yet, wouldn't it have been easier to not be a prick and knock me down in the first place?



Riggle me that, bitch!

Riggle me this, D-bag?

This morning, as I was walking my dog, I stopped near the end of the street to talk to one of my neighbors walking his two dogs, and a lady who lives in my neighborhood, who was walking her dog as well. It's always fun to talk to them and our dogs play and it's just cute.

So, as we're standing there in a small group, some dick walks down the sidewalk saying, "excusemeexcusemeexcusemeexcuseme!" Practically shouting it at us and not slowing down. Now there was plenty of room on either side of us that he could have just gone around, but it was apparent he was going to go through us.

First of all, to that man, you're an idiot. You want to deliberately walk through a group of three people and four dogs? Wow, you are completely stupid. Second, you're a d-bag; a BIG ONE!

Anywho, while the two people were about to move out of his way with their three dogs in tow, I stood my ground and just said to the man, "you can go around asshole." HAHA! Why should I have to move when he had plenty of room to go around?

Well, he looked at me like I was crazy, and the two people I was talking were in shock. They don't know me that well to know that I'm really a bitch at heart. I have no issue being mean to people. But, then the woman I had been talking to looked at me and just said, "Wow, I mean, you're so young, but that was (and I was waiting for her to tell me I was mean or something but she finished with) AWESOME!"

And I can't lie, it felt good to give that man a little taste of exactly what he was putting out there.

Riggle me this, thirty?

As the first week of my thirties comes to an end, I have to sit and think about the past year of my life and what I want for the next one.

The past six months or so I have been depressed. Perhaps it was because I was really nervous about turning thirty, or maybe because I was just so upset about not knowing which direction I wanted to go with my life. Whatever the reason, I seemed to have lost my way. I got so bogged down with being worrying about the fact that I was still a waiter, and wasn't auditioning for anything and didn't even want to. It was so hard for me to see anything good in my life.

About five years ago I dated someone who looked me square in the face and told me that I was too negative and he couldn't handle being around me anymore. My immediate reaction was, "fuck you!" But, the more I thought about it, the more I thought he might be right. That same day I received a forward from my Grandma in my e-mail. I don't know why I read it, but I did. The entire story was about a man who suffered sever trauma and extreme situations in his life, but kept a positive attitude. I could tell you the whole story, but that would take forever. The point of the story was how he did it. He woke up everyday and told himself, "I chose to be happy today." That's it. He made a choice every single day about the attitude he wanted.

I couldn't believe the coincidence. Shocked and a little bit hurt, I tucked my pride away and decided that I needed to change my life. I wrote a small little note and put it up next to my light switch in my bedroom that read, "I chose to be happy today. No matter what comes my way, I am a strong individual who can endure anything." I know I know that sounds lame, but it worked. I didn't feel a change immediately, but I worked on it, and within a few weeks, I knew that I had changed my life.




On the flip-side, I did run into the person I had dated about a year later, and he looked at me, stunned, and asked, "what happened to you?" And I told him about how he had changed my life. Well, him and my grandma. But the point is, they changed my life for the better.

Now, I'm someone who goes up and down a lot in my life. There are some high points and definitely some low points. That moment a few years ago was definitely a low point. And for some reason, the past six months, I allowed myself to get back to that point again. I'm not sure how I just let it happen but I did.

So, now I have to take inventory of my life and figure out what's so good about it. I have a wonderful life with an insanely caring man, and our puppy. I have amazing friends, too many to give individual shoutouts, but you all know who you are. My family and I love each other and see each other whenever we can. The past six months, I went to Florida to see my sister and took trips up to Massachusetts to see Matt's family, as well as going to P-town to see friends, and i went to two wonderful weddings. So I have family, friends, a job, vacations, fun, a dog, a boyfriend. That sounds like a pretty effing amazing life to me. The only thing missing? A career. Well, that will work itself out.

The next thing I had to do was compare where I'm at now, to where I was several years ago when I had hit a low point. My relationship with my family was on the way to getting better, I had just met some people who are now my best friends, I had just
started a new job, I had no boyfriend, no dog, no vacations, and no career. Plus, I was really selfish, bitchy and immature. So, I'd say that I've made some serious strides in my life to make it better.

So, how did I let it get so bad? I have no idea. Somehow I just forgot that my life is essentially good and wonderful. I have people in my life who have supported me in any decision I've made, and constantly remind me how great our lives are. They remind me that a life not enjoyed is not a life lived. The weeks leading up to my birthday, all of this hit me like a ton of bricks. So, I have to give credit and sincere thanks to all of the fantastic people in my life.

And what do I really want in the next year of my life? Or the next decade, for that matter. I want to continue my upswing of knowing how lucky I am. I want to spend more time with my friends and make it home to see my family more. As far as my career goes, I just want in the next year to find something that I love to do and figure out a way to make a go for it. Something that I feel passionate about that I can handle doing without getting bored with it. And the best part is, I think I've found it. I just have to remember, that no matter what, I can do anything I want and I can change my mind at anytime. I just want to go at it full force so I know if it's really something to do.

And now I'm 30. The big 3-0. It as a rough few months before, but now, literally, it's going to be the best year of my life. I can feel it. And it feels good. :)

Riggle me this, random dude?

So this past weekend, I was on the subway listening to my music. Probably loud enough for people to hear, but when I think about it, so many people play their music louder, so I don't mind.

Anywho, I was sitting there, minding my own business and listening to a song by Todrick Hall called "It Gets Better." It's a really great song, for now, but it definitely goes along with the "It Gets Better" campaign. It's very inspirational and cute and I'm enjoying for now. So, I'm sitting there feeling really good as the song finishes, and a guy sitting near me motions for me to take my headphones off because he has something to say. This has happened to me before and never been a good scenario.

He was pretty non-descript. Just a man in his mid-late forties, balding and an overall pleasant demeanor. So, I cautiously obliged him and took off my headphones, very unsure of what to expect.

"I like the song you're listening to."

"Thanks, I like it, too," I said, thinking, "wow, did you really interrupt me just to tell me that?"

After a long awkward pause, he continued, "So, do you have anything you need to talk about?"

Inside my head, I was screaming "WHAT??? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEPY CREEPY MAN!" But I calmly asked, "excuse me?"

I found out that he works for a youth organization for gay teens, that now uses this song as their theme song. So, he's just out trying to protect the gay youth of the city.

Now, I'm wondering if he thinks I'm a gay teen, which clearly I'm not gay. HAHA. But he then said, "so anytime I hear someone listening to this song, I feel compelled to stop them and make sure they are ok. You know there have been a lot of youth as well as college suicides lately."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!. Here it is. He thinks I'm in college. And troubled. And contemplating suicide. So clearly this man has no idea how to read the signs of someone troubled, contemplating suicide, or judging the age of someone in college. I wonder how it's possible for him to work with a youth organization that saves people when he's so bad at reading the signs. So, I looked at him and said, "yeah, I'm thirty. And I actually live with my boyfriend."

He gave me an awkward, "oh so you're all good then."

"yeah, I'm all good"

Because I am.

Riggle me this, Dominos?

So tonight, after a long ass day, Matt and I decided to order pizza.


Papa John's is our place of choice, but they were closed. SO we went to Domino's online. Has anyone ever been to this? It's amazing. Not only were they opened, but it was ridiculously easy. Then the best thing happened. They give you an online tracker to view what's happening with your order. Then they give you little updates that say things like, "Ruben has just placed your order in the oven," and, "Ruben is checking your order for quality at 12:01." And then the final, "Maximono is on the way to your door with your order at 12:09."

For real? HIs name is Maximono. Amazing!!! I was stunned and a little bit creeped out by this. I'm not gonna lie. I thought it was a little bit weird that Ruben was checking on my pizza. I mean, I don't need to know who is doing what to my food, i just need to know that my food is coming, not who is doing what.

And then when the food comes, do I say, "thanks Maximono!"? For real, I've never met the guy, but I know his name! And do I also tell him to thank Ruben for making my dinner?

I dunno, I think it's just another way to be too invasive into someone's life, but, still, maybe it's just a nicety.

Riggle me that!

Riggle me this, relationships?

How does one define a relationship? Is it by the way people view it on the outside, or how you and the one you're with view it, or is it a little bit of both?

I think it's basically how you define it yourself. Granted, many people around you will constantly try to understand, or judge or butt in where it's really none of their business at all.

Recently, I was out with friends and I saw one person, who has a boyfriend that wasn't out that night, kissing other people. Now, I'm not one to say much because I kiss all of my friends. However, I don't use tongue with my friends. To me it just seemed kind of odd. Someone else that was out that night kept talking to me about that person and his boyfriend and how much he wanted to be in a relationship like that one day. "Like what?" I had to wonder. One that ends up with your boyfriend kissing someone else and God only knows what else when you're away? Because I know that I wouldn't want that. I try not to judge it and I really don't know all of the details of the situation, so I can't and won't. I believe that everyone is entitled to their own way of life. But, don't preach the monogamy of your life, when you don't display acts of monogamy in public. It just confuses everyone.

Maybe it's just me, but I think that because we're gay, it's expected that we are not monogamous. I know people who hate talking about it because they think that it makes gays too much like straight people. Well, whatever happened to the worth of a commitment? Or just the value of your word? Whatever happened to knowing and trusting in someone so much, and them actually backing you up with it? Is that something so crazy to ask for?

I maintain that it is not. I think that it's just the way you run your own life. Outside of even having a relationship. I think we should all strive to be people of our word. The kind of people that when we say something to others, they know it's the truth. Or when we commit to something, we follow through. Granted, this is not always easy, and I'm victim to falling short of it just like everyone else. So, with that, I'm trying to be a better person. And maybe everyone else should too, but who am I to say?

So, back to relationships, is it anyone's business about the in's and out's of a relationship other than the people in it? I mean, if the relationship is outwardly non abusive or destructive, should anyone have the right to inquire about the details or know what is going on behind closed doors? Does anyone have the right to know who takes care of what? Or who holds responsibility where? I maintain they don't. Unless someone in the relationship chooses to bring that out and share it, then fine, but who are people to think that it should be public knowledge? It frustrates me at times when i want to keep something private, yet I find friends of various degrees asking me questions about stuff I might not want to share, or that I think is none of their business. I don't want to be rude or closed off, but sometimes it's just none of your business.

And yes, I have asked more of my friends than was my business to know, so here we go again. I'm trying to be better at minding my own business. So, conversely, if I tell you that I think it's none of your business, then that should be the end of the conversation. And I hope that if you are the recipient of that statement, that you are not offended and can respect my wishes about my own life.

Yes, I have a blog, and yes I put a LOT out there, and no I don't mind talking about my life. Mine. Not the life I have with my boyfriend. He's not me, so I have to be respectful of him. And the us that is a couple. But for my own things, I can share what I choose because that's up to me. So, it's always a fine line with everything and a balancing act to make sure that you are the person you should be and want to be.