On the Shelf

I've been up most of the night thinking. I made a decision yesterday based on a balance of power. It's funny. I don't usually think of things in such basic terms with my decisions, but in hindsight of a decision made, I have come to realize that it was made based on a shift of power. And as it turns out, many decision made in my life about based on something other than emotion, it's based on balance. I'm a libra, what more can I tell you?

In a functioning relationship, there is a constant balance of power. Sometimes it shifts and one person has more, and sometimes it's the other person. Eventually, it levels out again. But, what happens when one person tries to pull away from the other person? They immediately assume all upper hand of the relationship. Even without doing it intentionally. One person has one foot out the door and the other person is holding on for dear life. It's not a bad thing, it's actually quite sad. Two people who love each other but can't figure out how to make it work. 

I remember in college watching a movie and for the life of me can't figure out which one, but, I remember looking at my then boyfriend and saying, "I think it's one of the saddest things I've ever seen; two people who love each other so much but can't figure their shit out." I had no idea that I'd be one of those people just a few years later. He and I ended up breaking up shortly after college. We gave it a noble effort, but just got to the point where we had to be honest. It was better for us then to go our separate ways then to keep bashing our heads against a wall.

And now, I'm not sure what I should do. I've found something in someone that I swore I never would. I've become dependent when I vowed I wouldn't. I have allowed someone to come in. Even at times thought of their own needs before my own. Granted not much, because I am selfish. However, something still feels amiss. Something I haven't been able to put my finger on just yet. Does that mean I should throw in the towel? Or should I continue on until I figure that out. But, I feel the balance of power has completely shifted. I don't like feeling as though I have the upper hand now. Not one little bit. I need to be stood up to. I need to be given the ultimatum with the follow through. I need to put pushed back down off of this pedestal. 

For some reason, I've always looked at couples as slightly sad and depressing. There's this whole giving up of yourself, neediness, and dependance they have on one another. It always made me feel sad for them. As if I was judging them for wanting another person to share their lives with. And as much as I've tried to convince myself that I'm immune to that longing/wanting, I'm not. I'm just like everyone else. I do in fact want those things in my life, but when I am ready for them. That time is not now. Or maybe it is, and I'm being blind.

As for my next step, I don't know. A thousand times, I don't know. I wasn't ready for any of this. I know that most of the best things in life happen when you're not ready for them. But, in my own life, I usually put those things on the shelf, if I can, until I am ready for them. But, until then, I don't know how to put things into perspective.