I hope everyone who actually reads this doesn't mind a little positivity coming your way. I've decided to be nice. Yes, I've actually made a new year's resolution. I never believed in them before and usually I tend to make a resolution on my birthday as opposed to the new year, but I'm trying something new.
So, I've made this resolution to be nicer. I know, some of you are wondering how someone as sweet as myself could get any nicer, but trust. I can. And now that I've made this resolution, I'm having more problems than ever. I can't stop the meanness in my head. It's like the moment I committed to be nicer, the funniest and meanest shit pops into my head.
And it's not like I can control it, but, for real, the universe is not without a sense of humor. I get it. You give me wit and cleverness when I can't do anything about it.
In other events, I had to work on new years eve, which was fine with me because I saw, after work, what I missed out in the big scary world of NYC.
Seriously, it was hilarious. I left work around 1:45 AM and saw immediately near my restaurant a woman puking in the snow. She was wearing high heels, a skirt a bra and an open trenchcoat. Somehow in the course of the evening she, like Michelle, couldn't find her top.
Then a few blocks over, closer to the 1 train on seventh avenue, a very large man wearing only a speedo and flip-flops was also puking in the snow.
Somehow I missed the memo on scantily clad snow puking. I mean, who sends those out, Mark Zuckerberg? Is he in charge of this?
So then, the next morning, the first day of the year, of course I have to work! So I get on the subway to head downtown. I select the last car on the train and, as per usual, it's empty. Except one man, who is dancing around in the car. I get on anyways and just figure I'll stick to myself.
This man became the most amazing thing I've ever witnessed on the subway before. He was dancing with his backpack in the crook of his arm like he was holding a handbag. His backpack had his initials embroidered on it with a sign on it saying, "if you find me lost somewhere please return me to this address." And obviously there was an address, but i couldn't read it clearly.
As we traveled, more and more people boarded the train and simply pretended that this man didn't exist. I mean, why would anyone pay attention to an adult man dancing? But then he begain singing and quoting movies from the forties and fifties. Then, out of nowhere, he started shrieking in this high pitched voice, "Judy! Judy Jetson!" He kept on talking and somehow got from Judy Jetson to Judy Garland and said, "Judy's dead. there's not place like home, there's no place like home!" And with that, he began clicking his heels together! I was in heaven. Seriously, this was actually happening. I was losing my mind.
Then, a woman seated across from me pulled out a bag of pretzels to give to her daughter, and suddenly his high pitched voice thing stopped and he said, in his regular, deep voice, "Oh, may i have a handful of your pretzels please?" Of course she gave him some, because I mean, how do you not? So, he got the pretzels and continued dancing and still, STILL, most of the people on the train were ignoring this man. I seriously do not understand how they could.
And with only one stop, for me, to go, he sat down next to me and asked so politely, "do you mind if I watch you play your video game, sir?" I died. I was pissing myself at this point, i mean, what?
So I have decided that this man is either autistic, or is the greatest actor to ever live, because it was genius.
And I've concluded that 2011 is going to be a great year because of this day.
Riggle me that!
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