As we all know, airplane seats are tiny. Jetblue isn’t so bad because they’ve actually added room, and until today, I thought Jetblue was lying. Today, I took a flight on Spirit Airlines. First of all, they charge for everything. And it’s a joke to them. they make a reference at the beginning of the flight that they offer smiles for free. The captain even said, “And today we’re offering a special deal, for every smile you give us, we’ll give you two in return. Here at Spirit, we don’t charge for smiles, but we charge for everything else.” Hmmm. I don’t see that getting picked up anytime soon as some genius marketing tag line. But maybe I should write a letter to let them know. Maybe they should add, “We’re not happy unless you’re unhappy.”
But, I digress. Back to the size of seats. Until today, I had thought that Jetblue was lying about the extra room. Jetblue feels like the spacious countryside compared to Spirit Airlines. There’s maybe about 7” of space between the back of one seat and the front side of the seat you get. And forget about have room on the actual seat. I mean, if my butt fits snuggly in the seat, it’s small, and I have a big ass, people. I’m serious. I have a 28” waist and have to wear 31” jeans for a reason, and it’s not to sag them to my knees, either. So lack of space is the first problem.
Secondly, something I ALWAYS have to deal with on a plane is that in my neighboring seats are the largest people alive. Notice that I didn’t say fat. Large people sometimes are just large people. Today on my flight, I got to sit next to two rather large latin men. I call them men, but that’s just because they are males. In reality, they were boys. Children of a nice age of, I’d guess early twenties; immature beyond belief and just annoying. However, they were HUGE. I saw them get on the plane and just knew they were in my row (for clarity purposes, I should tell you that I had a window seat.) The first guy got on and looked about 6’5”. That’s tall. And weighed a good 225lbs. Again, not fat, but just a large person. And his friend got on just behind him was about a good two inches taller and weighed a solid twenty pounds more. And yes, I was right! They both had to have the seats in my row.
So this is how it went down. First they asked if one of them could have the window. I declined, only because they wanted me to sit between them. Yeah, right, like I’m that stupid. Secondly, they were the type of guys who say the word “bro” but don’t really pronounce it correctly. They say, “bra.” This was incredibly fun for me from the beginning. Once they sat down, I thought to myself, “I’ll just go to sleep and everything will be ok.” Wrong. When there is no room to get comfortable for a small person, there’s even less room for a large person. The guy in the middle seat really had no room for anything, but I eventually had to ask him to remove his extremities from my seat, because let’s be real, it’s my seat, not his, so regardless of how much room he doesn’t have, he isn’t entitled to what I paid for, even if I’m not using it.
So, I tried to sleep, to no avail, not because of lack of space but because they kept saying things like, “Quit touching my leg with yours, faggot,” “Bra, don’t touch me, I’m not your boyfriend,” “ I wish we had just bought out this whole row so we didn’t have to be like a gay couple cramped in here.” I was kinda surprised, but not really. I mean, they had Neanderthal written all over their faces. So, I mean, when you’re locked into a space smaller than the overhead compartment by two huge looking jock guys, who are not only bigger than you, but most likely have a scathing temper, it’s difficult to make a stand. I’m not a fighter, so I say nothing. In retrospect, I probably should have stood up for myself, but I mean, I had three hours facing me next to these douchebags. But I didn’t the next best thing.
I opened up my laptop and began writing, but what I forgot is that the main picture on my screen is a picture of me and my boyfriend. Score one for the faggot! I forgot all about it. So it gave me an idea. I opened up my photo section of my computer and went to work on a compilation video I’ve been working on of me and my boyfriend. It’s nothing but pictures of just the two of us, and yes, pictures of us kissing. I figured, hey, why not let them know subtly that I’m gay and they suck, in the really bad way.
So the guy sitting next to me practically leans over and puts his head smack in front of my screen. He said to me, “Bra, is that your boyfriend?” I replied yes, then he leaned over and said something to his friend, leaned back to me and said, “That’s cool, Bra.”
They didn’t say another word to me, and pretty much gave me even more room after that.
Riggle me that, Spirit Airline Assholes!
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