Monday, September 27, 2010

Riggle me this, how do we get there?




Last night I was on the train and an elderly couple got on at 42nd street and sat down. It was as if it was the first time they had ever been on a train. They somewhat bickered for a moment as they decided which stop they needed, and as it turned out, it was only a few stops away. Even though they seemed to fight a little bit, they were the cutest people I have ever seen.

When they sat down, the man held onto his wife's hand until she was settled and then he sat down next to her and grabbed her hand and didn't let it go until they got up. And even then he stood up first and helped her get up and lead her out of the train. It was something so subtle and yet so sweet I almost started crying. I couldn't believe a couple that had been together for, most likely, forty years or more was still this chivalrous and romantic without being obnoxious.

I wondered if I would ever get to that point. It's always been difficult for me to imagine my life with anyone for that long. It's just always been something that seemed like forever. I even think of my parents who just celebrated thirty-five years and it just sounds like an eternity. Anyone who has known me will tell you that it's just not something I ever really dreamed of, openly.

I say openly because the flip side of that statement is that I can't imagine my life any different than it is now. I have always secretly dreamed of having someone to stand by my side forever. I just never thought it would be possible. I never thought that I could have a husband or a long lasting relationship because my presentation of the gay life was heavy promiscuity and gay marriage is still an uphill battle. But, now I see that being gay doesn't have to be a sea of one-night stands and while marriage is still a struggle, state by state we are winning the fight, and I remain hopeful that one day I will see myself as part of an incredible marriage that is recognized and respected by everyone.

Something else I noticed about that couple on the train is that they talked about how they couldn't get a cab and how it was an adventure for them to take the train. I thought to myself, "how great would it be if I could just take a cab all the time?" I mean for real! How glorious would it be to know that you could just take a $30 cab ride and not think about what you're going to have to give up in order to afford it? I thought about how great it would be to be that set in life, but the second I thought of it, I got scared. What would I do with that kind of money? Would i be noble and give money back to people who needed it or would I be selfish and keep it all to myself? Money has the ability to really show what kind of person you are. Without money, it's easy to have morals and responsibility and be forced to be, essentially, a good person. Because you can't afford not to be. When you have money, you can let it overcome you and suddenly it becomes about getting more of it and it can be difficult to enjoy it. Now, that still doesn't stop us from trying to get more.

I think everyone can honestly say that they want more money. And who can blame them? It's the constant struggle that everyone has. I just got scared thinking about more money because I enjoy the struggle that I go through. I love that my boyfriend and I have to fight our way through the world together. I enjoy finding creative ways to have fun that don't cost a lot of money. It's actually really fun. Yes, I would love to be whisked away to Paris on a whim or zip on down to the Bahamas just because we felt like it. But, there's something so much more meaningful to the activities we do because the basics of what makes it fun is us. And we know that's all that matters.

So, when the day comes that I find myself with enough money for endless amounts of cabs, I hope I remain like that old couple on the train; content with small adventures and simple gestures.

No comments: