Riggle me this, how to apologize.

When it comes to my friends, I can't say that I've always been the best person ever. But then again, who has? While we all wish we lived in the world that revolves around ourselves, sometimes it's easy to forget that we have to take care of those people who keep our world revolving. It's hard to imagine that the center of my friends' world's isn't me. It's hard, sometimes, not to be selfish.

For instance, a dear friend wanted my presence last night, yet, I denied him and made a situation bad before I really thought about what I was giving up. Now, I'm sure my friend will eventually forgive me, but now I have to grovel and beg for it. Do I recite all of the times before that I've been there for him? Or do I just bow my head down and think about all of the times I've repeated the same bad pattern of last night? Or do I do both? i think the latter is what's happening.

It's difficult to be angry with the people you love the most. It's even more difficult to say, "I'm sorry." Being that I've already called once, do I call over and over and over again to the point of annoying to apologize? Or do i just wait for it all to blow over and let my friend come back to me? I think that's what i should do, but I just want to get to the most wonderful moment in the world when you're forgiven and you get to go back to being best friends again.

In my experience with life, I've never had a core groups of friends until I moved to NYC. And lately, I feel like I haven't been keeping up my end of the bargain, and while I'm sure it's viewed as one reason, it's really just something else that's been keeping me from them. And while my finances will eventually get back on track, I hope that i never lose the support from them I have found over the past five years. They are my Sex in the City sisterhood of the traveling pants, never ending best friends. To one, specifically, I'm sorry about last night. I hope you remember that I love you and I will try to be a better friend.

Riggle me this, how do we get there?

Last night I was on the train and an elderly couple got on at 42nd street and sat down. It was as if it was the first time they had ever been on a train. They somewhat bickered for a moment as they decided which stop they needed, and as it turned out, it was only a few stops away. Even though they seemed to fight a little bit, they were the cutest people I have ever seen.

When they sat down, the man held onto his wife's hand until she was settled and then he sat down next to her and grabbed her hand and didn't let it go until they got up. And even then he stood up first and helped her get up and lead her out of the train. It was something so subtle and yet so sweet I almost started crying. I couldn't believe a couple that had been together for, most likely, forty years or more was still this chivalrous and romantic without being obnoxious.

I wondered if I would ever get to that point. It's always been difficult for me to imagine my life with anyone for that long. It's just always been something that seemed like forever. I even think of my parents who just celebrated thirty-five years and it just sounds like an eternity. Anyone who has known me will tell you that it's just not something I ever really dreamed of, openly.

I say openly because the flip side of that statement is that I can't imagine my life any different than it is now. I have always secretly dreamed of having someone to stand by my side forever. I just never thought it would be possible. I never thought that I could have a husband or a long lasting relationship because my presentation of the gay life was heavy promiscuity and gay marriage is still an uphill battle. But, now I see that being gay doesn't have to be a sea of one-night stands and while marriage is still a struggle, state by state we are winning the fight, and I remain hopeful that one day I will see myself as part of an incredible marriage that is recognized and respected by everyone.

Something else I noticed about that couple on the train is that they talked about how they couldn't get a cab and how it was an adventure for them to take the train. I thought to myself, "how great would it be if I could just take a cab all the time?" I mean for real! How glorious would it be to know that you could just take a $30 cab ride and not think about what you're going to have to give up in order to afford it? I thought about how great it would be to be that set in life, but the second I thought of it, I got scared. What would I do with that kind of money? Would i be noble and give money back to people who needed it or would I be selfish and keep it all to myself? Money has the ability to really show what kind of person you are. Without money, it's easy to have morals and responsibility and be forced to be, essentially, a good person. Because you can't afford not to be. When you have money, you can let it overcome you and suddenly it becomes about getting more of it and it can be difficult to enjoy it. Now, that still doesn't stop us from trying to get more.

I think everyone can honestly say that they want more money. And who can blame them? It's the constant struggle that everyone has. I just got scared thinking about more money because I enjoy the struggle that I go through. I love that my boyfriend and I have to fight our way through the world together. I enjoy finding creative ways to have fun that don't cost a lot of money. It's actually really fun. Yes, I would love to be whisked away to Paris on a whim or zip on down to the Bahamas just because we felt like it. But, there's something so much more meaningful to the activities we do because the basics of what makes it fun is us. And we know that's all that matters.

So, when the day comes that I find myself with enough money for endless amounts of cabs, I hope I remain like that old couple on the train; content with small adventures and simple gestures.

Riggle me this, not taking the hint!

Tonight I worked a catering event in the low twenties and fifth avenue. I work catering here and there, and I've seen a lot of crazy spaces, but this place was AWESOME! Seriously such a beautiful building and lots of great amenities, including a roof deck, which is where the party was being held. OH yeah, the event was a recruiting party for a kids charity in Cambodia. Just keep that in mind as this story unfolds.

So, I get to the building with roughly 8 bags in tow. I take them up to the tenth floor to a gorgeous 3 bedroom condo with dark hardwood floors, a big open living room and kitchen, fully modern and sleek. It seemed like an space I could only dream of. OH but wait. The top, excuse me, penthouse, is all two-three level condo's. It's ridiculous. And then the rooftop! My god, it was a dream come true. Sadly, reality set back in and I realized that I didn't live there, I was there to work. :(

Anwho, after immediately mis-judging the woman I was working for, with her live-in maid (i thought she was one of those snooty women who didn't really raise their own kid. but she turned out to be alright) I began setting up the entire party. Organizing furniture, laying out food, getting drinks ready, putting up tents, and I even helped set up a computer and screen for a power-point presentation. Yup, I'm a big time multi-tasker!

So, the party gets going and the skinniest woman I have ever seen shows up. And while she was nice, I hear the host ask her when her daughter is coming, and she said, "Oh the nanny is bringing her in about an hour, I NEED some adult time." OK, let's stop here. I'm sure you do need adult time. Most parents do. But this is the kind of woman, no person, that I hate. She has a full time, live in nanny that most likely raises her kid, while she has plenty of gym time to keep her skeletal figure from gaining even an ounce. You got it, I'm judging HARDCORE right now. And she certainly didn't lack in giving me ammo!

Later, her daughter arrived; Esme. My first reaction to this name was pretty amazing. I thought it was ridiculous. If you know where I'm going with this, don't tell. Let the kiddie's get to it on their own. As this woman was introducing herself to people as well as her daughter, I heard a lady say, "wow, Esme, what an interesting name. How did you come up with that?" And her reply was fantastic! "Well, I was reading these children's books called 'Twilight,' have you heard of them?"

Well that's all I needed to think this woman a total moron. YOU NAMED YOUR KID AFTER A CHARACTER IN TWILIGHT!!! Good lord! I can totally get naming your kid after someone from a novel that changed literature as we know it, but Twilight? For real? I mean you might as well have named your kid Taylor Lautner, and called it a day! I mean, honestly! UGH! OH but it gets even better!!!

Later on, a man showed up to the party that looked familiar. I couldn't figure it out, then he came over with a bottle of beer he needed opened. That's when it hit me! About three weeks ago, he came into my restaurant with some of his buddies. On his way out, he left me his phone number and told me to call him. Well, as I do when anyone gives me their number while I'm working, I threw it out. So he comes up to get his beer opened and looks at me, "oh hey! you work at (insert restaurant here) don't you?" All I could say was, "yes." That got me a nervous, "cool." I could see him kind of nervous looking (or so I thought.) Then he went over and sat with Twilight namer. She's his wife! What??? At this point I wasn't confused, because men in the city are never what they seem. But, for real, this is is wife. Maybe he bought Twilight for him? Then she borrowed them? Anywho...


So later on, I had to replenish drinks. To do so, I had to go to a room behind the bar area I had set up. As I go back, this dude follows me. This was the best conversation I've ever had because he scared the shit out of me.

Him, "Hey, did you keep my number?"

Me, "No, I'm sorry." (then upon trying to leave)

Him, "That's too bad, you should call me."

Me, "Well, I'm sorry, that's not going to happen."

Him, "Why, because I'm married? Or do you have a boyfriend?"

Me, "I do have a boyfriend. One who I'm committed to."

Him, "Well, my wife and I have an understanding..."

Me, "My boyfriend and I have an understanding too. We understand that we're just with each other. I have to get back out there"

First of all, you fucking followed me and cornered me! How fucking dare you! Second, you're scum. YOu sleep with men on the side of your marriage to a woman. That's just beyond disgusting. And from that point on, he didn't even come near me for the rest of the evening, thank GOD!

ANywho, it was a beautiful evening and I got to hang out in the building where Meg Ryan own's a condo. I even took the elevator down with her on my way out!

Riggle me this, Emerald City.

Have you ever looked at a construction site and imagined what the finished product would look like? Sometimes they actually have computer generated pictures next to the site to show you what's going to happen. I, personally, like to stand next to them and just imagine for myself what's going to be there. I think it's more interesting, and I like to think myself more talented than the architect who spent about a year designing what's going in that empty space. Regardless of how you think of the space, something will end up there as a finished product. Sometimes it takes a few months or a few years.

Near my place of employment, there is a building that is covered in what looks like green wrapping paper. I'm not sure what it is for real, but that's what it looks like. And I wish I had a picture, but sadly, I don't. I have never seen anyone working on this building or making improvements, but I'm sure something is going on there, and one day it will eventually be finished. But, for the moment it's a work in progress.

Now, I think buildings are like people. I think the flaws, cracks, perfections and imperfections in a building are what give them character, just like people. This is not a new revelation. But, for myself, I walk by this building of green wrapping paper and I feel closest to that building; maybe there's nothing obvious going on from the outside, but underneath there is a a massive amount of work that is just waiting for one day to show on the outside.

Most people, it seems, are more like the buildings being built from the ground up. They could be empty spaces that will never have anything of substance, or they are the people that have a clear cut identified plan of what they are to become. I know many people who are on a very clear path to becoming who or what they want to be. Nothing can derail them. So, I can't say all people, but it just feels that way. And it makes me feel, sometimes, that I'm never going to find my own way.

So in reference to the emerald city, my green building does remind me of the wizard of oz. In that story, the emerald city is their ultimate goal. It is their destination to find their answers and conclude their journey. So, is my green building the answer to mine? Or is it my reminder that I'm on my path, the right or wrong one, but a path, that is uniquely my own and that I'll one day figure out where I need to be?



I'm not sure, but I see that building of green and I think I'm doing ok.

Riggle me this, Chewing it why?

So yesterday, as I was closing up my computer to get ready to leave, my dog was at my feet, chewing contentedly on one of his bones. Or so I thought. I realized this as I went to unplug my charger cord and wound up with half of my charger in my hand. My dog was eating my cord! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!





So this is what I ended up with. When will the chewing stop?

so now...


$85 dollars later that I definitely didn't have to spend, I have this!




Wow! I know, I know, I'm fancy!

Riggle me this, #100

This is my 100th entry on this blog. Pretty good for me. As many people know, writing entertainment from your own life is damn near impossible everyday. You have to kind of wait for exciting things to happen before you can write about it. So that's the explanation for my absence over the past few weeks.

Where to begin? It feels like so much has happened and I can't really make sense of it all.

First up, my parents came to NYC for the first time ever! It was so weird to have them come here for a visit. I can't believe they have never been here ever in their lives! I mean, they are, many years older than me and they never had that draw, that passion or fire to come and travel here. It just blows my mind. Also, it was really fun taking them around the city to the Empire State Building, down to Batter Park to see the Statue of Liberty, Central Park, a Met's Game, everything was a blast, and that's from someone who lives here who hasn't done the "touristy" game in quite awhile.

Followed by that was a two week stint of working. So... One word fills that in perfectly...BORING!

Then, I went up to Boston for a wedding. Now, I'm definitely not someone who likes weddings. People cry over the vows, there's a religious ceremony and the dressing up and all the fancy fancy crap. But that's also what I love about weddings. I suck it up just like everyone else. I like to think that I'm, one day, going to be able to have a wedding of my own. Yes, I'd love one in a church, but let's be real. Who's going to marry a couple of homo's in a church? hahaha. Ok, I'm sure there are a few, but none that I'd ever want. Anywho, the wedding was sensational and there are definitely memories from that one night that I'll never forget.


Next up, it was back to work for about 8 days straight with an intermittent birthday visit from one of my besties from LA! And of course we had to go to my restaurant, which isn't ideal, but it is what he wanted. So, that's what he gets, because he old! Just kidding. But it was nice to see my LA friends and hang out here in the city.

Following that, my last night of work, and the night before my P-town vacation, I had a small situation at a table. QUick overview, they were really mean to the girl who tried to clear their empty appetizer plates, then mean to the girl who brought the salad they ordered, because they had changed their minds. Cut to the dropping of the bill. I forgot to split off the originally ordered salad. But I dropped the check without even thinking about it. Then, another server was handed the credit card, so he ran their card.

Interruption. To anyone who doesn't know, this action puts a "pending transaction" on your account. If it's not closed out, it comes off in about two business days. If it's closed out, then it goes out of pending to an actual transaction. Back to my story.

I realized my mistake and went to the table to talk to them. I explained the whole situation from the salad to the running of their card a second time and having two "pending transactions" on their account. They said ok that was fine and I took their card again to swipe it.

Upon returning to the table, they asked me to explain everything again. This is where I knew I was in trouble. Not only were they confused, they were PISSED!!! One woman began screaming at me and telling me that we ran a sham business and they were never coming back and I was a horrible server, and pointed out that I never re-lit their candle (which i did four times, after they kept playing with it and blowing it out!) but I'm horrible and shouldn't be a server because I suck. So the manager comes over and he's there for about fifteen minutes, then the same lady goes to a different part of the restaurant to yell at him and another manager too. It was intense, but not over yet!

Finally, the situation was worked out and they lady returned to her table. As I was walking by this is what I heard from the two ladies at the table;

Lady #1- It's all ok now, I mean, he's probably racist.

Lady #2- Yeah, (loud whisper, IE normal conversation level) And you know he's a faggot, too!

Lady #3 (to the table while looking me square in the face) Yeah, He's just a racist faggot!


My reaction was one of total shock. I could not believe I was just called a racist faggot! At that point, I just walked away and fought back the tears. I had been stressed out all night and wasn't in a place to deal at all. I mean, I've been called names before and I know that I should have gone to my manager about it right then and there, but I was too upset. And they were on their way out. I just wanted them gone. And they were. I didn't let nor want them to see me so upset by their bullshit. I think what upset me more was the racist part. I can handle being called a fag or any version of one, but a racist? please! Fuck them! There I said it. FUCK THEM IN THEIR BULLSHIT FACES!

Ok, now I feel a little bit better.

And the next day I went to Provincetown for a glorious vacation of seeing shows and hanging out with wonderful friends. I got to see Naked Boys Singing, a show I've been a part of twice, and it was so STRANGE to see the new cast without me in it. I couldn't believe how strange it was. But I'm very proud of the new cast for making the show their own, and I'm exceptionally proud of my friends in the show ICONS, and to Tom and Michael for putting up a fabulous drag show, and of Alex for making it happen. It's truly remarkable. And to Donna Brook for being fun and fabulous (and for reading my blog) And a big shot out is to Loy for making the weekend happen, thank you a million times over! And thank you to Matt for being the most wonderful man in the world---I love you!

So, now I'm back in NYC and broke as fuck! Where is that man who wants to pay off Matt and I's bills? Anyone? Hello? oh yeah, and you can't want anything sexual out of it. haha, Totally kidding. Kind of, no really I'm kidding. Anywho, I'm back and currently looking for a new job. I had a really great interview yesterday, so keep your fingers crossed. And hopefully a new job won't find me being called a racist faggot!