Riggle Me This: why are people so effing WEIRD?

So...was it a full moon somewhere tonight? Or were the crazies just out in full hot, lack of a better word, fullness? It was just one right after the other tonight and I can't for the life of me figure out why I had to deal with so much bullshit tonight.

To kick off the evening, I had a party of about 15. Four, yes, four were children under the age of 5. All of which were, I guess, supposed to be under the supervision of me. Because I didn't have other tables or anything. Shout to the parents, "i'm not your babysitter. You are. I shouldn't have to deal with your child throwing cars, toys, or crayons at me or the people around you. You have kids, we don't, you can handle it, we shouldn't have to!"

Anyway, they were basically fine, except their idiot son kept falling off his chair because no one was watching them, and the one single older guy at the table kept making insanely bad jokes all night. He was like the embarrassing dad, the kind that try really hard to keep up with the trends, even if the trend was about ten years ago. He had on a purple polo with a popped color, and all of his jokes were in the spirit of annoying server jokes that we have all heard a million times. I think everyone now knows the type I"m talking about. Well, joke after joke, I just smiled politely and tried to blow it off, because well, he was annoying. But as they were leaving, I was saying my thank you's to them, he looks at me and says, "That was awesome, you're hot, I should give you my number."

Perplexed, I responded, "you need to behave."

"I did behave tonight, that was the problem."

I was shocked. Who invited old ass gay uncle Rodney anyways. I don't know if that's really his name, but that's what I'm calling him. Seriously, though. Who invited him??? I high-tailed it to another table and just tried to move on.

During that whole fiasco, I had walked by a table of 3 gay men seated at another one of my tables. One of them accidentally elbowed my ass. I turned to excuse myself when he said, "wow you're rock solid!" Well, yes I was flattered by his obvious compliment to my rear end, but i didn't really know where it could go. They looked mid-forties, and like they had money, so, i figured I should flirt a little bit to get a bigger tip, right? So I go through the motions with them and smile a lot more than I normally do and blah blah blahblahblah. I set their bill down and one guy pays with a black AMEX card. I'm thinking to myself that I'm gonna get a huge tip. WRONG! I should have known better. People with black AMEX's never tip over 15%. It's like a stupid rule they have to keep the money they make. ON a bill of $162 they left me 18 dollars.

18 DOLLARS!!!! Are you kidding me? I almost chased them down just to homo smack the shit out of them. They got to touch my butt, they got to have me actually flirt with them. And yes, I have already entertained, briefly, the notion that my flirting was bad and that's how they were telling me. BUt, I've flirted many many times before, and this was top notch for me. TRUST.

Onto the next guy. This guy was hosting a bunch of people from some foreign country and he was really trying to impress them. He ordered a bottle of Shiraz (we have 2 by the bottle) and he said he didn't care which bottle. One bottle is $32 and one is $56. I figured I didn't wanna just assume he wanted the more expensive, so I gave him the cheaper one. So I go to the bar, I get the glasses, I get my wine key, I get the glasses set on the table and I finally present the wine and he looks at it all confused and asks to see the menu. I figured he just wanted to double check the vintage on the menu and the bottle. NOPE! He looked at me square in the face and said, "i wanted the other one." I almost lost my shit on this guy. I mean, are you for real? You tell me one minute that you don't care which one, but I bring you one and you say you wanted the other one?!?! Just order what you fucking want? I am not a damn mind reader.

There were more instances tonight, but these were the standouts. As I am writing all of this, I'm trying to figure out hat was going on tonight because seriously, I can't riggle myself enough brain power to understand why I have to deal with crazy people and all of that bullshit. So if anyone has the answer, please let me know!