We do the same thing with other things in our lives. I moved here to NYC to be an actor. I spent so much time having my day job so that I could pursue my dreams with auditions. I tried so hard to keep as much free time so that I never missed a single one. I kept thinking, "what if this is the one I get?" It seemed to make sense. I gave up everything for what I thought was going to be my career. And I did it well for awhile. I booked shows, a national tour, and I missed family trips, Christmas, holidays, weddings, all of the normal events and celebrations that happen in life. I missed them all of them because I was so convinced that my next big break was right around the corner. And what do I have to show for it? Not a whole lot of material possessions, but I have gained a whole lot of insight for it.
I have decided that acting is truly a passion of mine, but it's not one I think I will end up committing to for the rest of my life. Not because I don't love the craft, I don't love the process of getting the jobs. That rat race is the worst thing in this business, even worse than the "you didn't get the job because you have green eyes, or you are too tall, or too short." And now, at the young age of thirty, I think about all of the opportunities I passed up on and missed out on. I think back to all of the times I went to upwards of five auditions in a day and didn't stop to make time for a friend. I told myself, "I'm sacrificing for a career. One day it will be worth it." And where am I now? I am in a place of judgment of what I do for a living, not sure of the next step in my life.
But why do I have to judge what I'm doing? No, it's not what I set out to do. It's definitely not what I went to college for. In my line of work, bartending/waiting tables, I don't know many people who are doing what they set out to do. I do, however, have friends on Broadway, or working at a job that they did, in fact, go to college for, and I think about if they're happy or not. Some of them are, and some of them aren't. What's funny is that my friends who didn't seek out some performance type of life are typically happy people. But, my friends on Broadway don't seem like they are. I have several friends who have credits coming out of their ass, but don't seem to be living the life they thought it would be. The bottom line is that every show closes, and every job ends, and then you're right back to where you started. So, yes, it's a somewhat pessimistic view, but why bother?
Currently, I work as a bartender. But, I feel the need to tell people that ask me what I want to do that I want to be a writer, a painter, an actor, a director, a producer, etc, and the list is so long I can't even bear to type it. I am curious at what people would say if the conversation went like this,
Guest, to me, "So, what do you want to do? What are you trying to do? I mean, you can't want to be a bartender forever."
ME, "Actually, this is what I want to do with my life, make drinks and server people."
Guest, "Oh so you want to be a mixologist? That's badass!"
Me, "No, a mixologist is someone who wants to create drinks, I just want to pour them and have you tip me for it."
End of discussion. Would that be so bad if my aspirations were to just be a bartender? Who am I trying to please anyways? It's difficult to tell my parents that this might be all I am doing at the moment. But, at least I'm doing something. And yes, I have things that I"m trying to do on the side, but why should I feel like I have to justify my life with trying to do something else? Granted, that's not who I am, but why should I feel like I have to do something else? It's almost like I'm running some invisible race against everyone else in the world and I have to win to garner respect and success.
Just like people with one eye on the guy in front of them and one eye on the door, I have been that way with my own personal life for as long as I can remember. "Never settle for less than you deserve," is something my parents instilled in me from the time I was little. But I never heard, "take some time to enjoy your life. Pause to really commit your life to someone. Spend extra time doing nothing so you understand how to relax so when you have to work your ass off, you appreciate your time off more." None of those things were said to me until I got a little bit older. I'm not blaming my parents for that, but I'm just saying, I was never told that taking time off was ok. And now, I feel guilty when I have two days off and no agenda for those days off.
And now, I'm at a point in my life that I'm happy to have learned the lesson of
enjoying myself and taking time to just soak up all of the wonderfulness that is around me. Because let's take a look at how my life could have been different. Over the past few years there have been two people I could have dated but because I was focused on the "what if's" of my career, I missed out on them. I am certainly not mad about missing out on it, because it left me open to accept my current relationship in my life. And now, I have him, my dog and my life. And if I hadn't learned all of this, I might still be out trying to pursue acting everyday and being miserable, but scared to admit defeat and moving on to something else. I might not have learned that I love sitting in front of my computer and typing away as fast as I can, or love watching tv for more than satisfaction, but for a studying purpose. So, I am now more aware of myself. I'm learning to be more accepting of who I am, good and bad. I'm learning to accept that I might never be an actor,
but I can shift and change my mind at any point and it's ok. Whatever I want to do is my choice and that's all that matters. There are many aspects of my life that I simply cannot control, even though I try, but I'm learning to let it go.
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