Thursday, June 9, 2016

Recently I was seeing a young man who could have changed my life. He is kind and generous and his heart is open. For anyone who knows me, when it comes to dating, mine is seemingly not. But he was gracious with his attempt at being patient with me. We both talked about how easy it was to be with one another. But for me, my hesitation was strong.

See, for me, my heart is much more open than I pretend. Because I am able to fall in love with someone or something every single day. But when you are someone like that, sensitive to the bone, your heart also gets broken a little bit everyday. So when it comes to love, I've stopped trusting my heart. And in doing so, I've missed out on more than one person who could have been significant in my life. Maybe not a lifetime love, but significant nonetheless. And of course, people give me the usual friend speech of "oh he wasn't the right one." Or "you'll know when you find it." Well once upon two separate times, I thought I had. It turns out they were just significant moments in my life. And one of those people is still significant to me now, just in a different way.

So this recent man, had every quality in someone I would like to date. From A to Z, he fulfilled everything I desire in a human companion. Yet I remained afraid. On our last encounter he told me he felt himself falling in love with me. And surprisingly, it didn't scare me away, it made me quite happy. However, in true Steve Riggle fashion, I shut it down. I couldn't let myself take that risk to maybe someone how lose down the line. So I chose to lose immediately before there was too much heartbreak. But the funny thing is now, I've realized the heartbreak is all mine. I'm the one who did it. On the flip side though, just a mere 7 days later I left a message with him(I assumed he didn't want to hear form me) saying that I was wrong and would he forgive me for being an idiot. To which there was a long pause, or a seven day delayed response to be exact. He was now dating someone new, and out of respect of his new relationship, didn't want to really talk to me anymore.

It took him only 7 days after me to find someone else to love! For real? What kind of witch doctor voodoo love potion number 9 bullshit is that?

So there it is. How am I expected to truly fall in love with someone when no one yet has allowed me the time to truly get to know someone? To fully let things happen in a natural and unforced way. The impact someone can make on your life in just a couple weeks is wonderful, but how they impact your life once the honeymoon is over? That's a different story

And here I am. Trying hard to keep myself open to whatever comes my way, but the hope is hard to find. Because it just keeps seeming like everyone is so quick to jump into a relationship without taking the time to make sure the person they're jumping with is the right one.

I've recently seen a dear friend of mine enter into a relationship. A first in the time we've known one another. And watching them take their time getting to know each other, eliminating distractions from the world to explore with one another has been a beautiful sight to witness. Because of how my last relationship failed, I've lost hope. But seeing my friend in their newfound happiness has restored hope for me a little bit as well.

Look, I will put up a jaded front better than anyone I know. And those who know me well know how sensitive I truly am. I believe in love. More than anyone I know. But my hang ups still persist because of the logical mind I was given. So for any future loves, I just request this. Be patient with me. Be kind. Try to be compassionate. And don't be afraid to push me into the unknown with you. I'm a sucker for anyone who doesn't let me give up on myself.

Sounds like a lot right? Well Riggle me this, maybe I am.

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