Monday, March 7, 2016


There's an epidemic facing people my age and younger. It's called the wonderful attitude of nonchalance. It's occurring on an alarming basis and affects nearly everyone between the ages of 0 and 40, sometimes even older.

Somehow, in the age of self empowerment, it is considered cool to simultaneously keep your emotions at bay about anything other than what you do for your own self. And when it comes to relationships or caring for other people, just forget it. You're considered weird for expressing any sort of emotional attachment to another human in a romantic way. Yes, it's still appropriate to have friends, hobbies, and to want a significant other, but to actually go out on a limb and express interest in starting something with someone, nope, that's just simple not heard of.

Being the king of standing in my own way, I've been grappling with this concept a great deal lately. A few weeks ago, I went on several dates with a fantastic man. I thought to myself, "wow this guy is awesome. There could be something worth exploring here." And that thought was immediately banished because God forbid I actually tell him I liked him. He now is considering weather or not I fit into his schedule. Should I have said something or was I right in staying silent about how I felt? Who knows?

After that j had an encounter with a wonderful man who lives nearby. He seemed too good to be true. Handsome, kind, spontaneous and fun. Sadly that all ended with me engaging in unsavory activity that I'm still disappointed in myself for engaging in. But now I'm left in a conundrum. Do I mention that I secretly wanted to take him on a proper date and knew so long before j met him? Or do I just apologize,back off and move on?

It's this whole weird balance of Caring too much too soon or caring too little for too long. If you overstep in the beginning, you run the risk of scaring someone off, and if you wait too long, you run the risk of them giving up and moving on. And in both instances you are left alone. See, everyone constantly take about how they want to be with someone, but we are too wrapped up in our own shit to know when is the right time to express ourselves. So we've all adopted this attitude of nonchalance as a protection to not get hurt. And this is the struggle.

We all want to be loved. Anyone who says I'm wrong is a liar. Because if you didn't want to be loved, you wouldn't have friends, you wouldn't yearn for a family, you wouldn't go on dates, and you certainly wouldn't hook up with people. Because even in the smallest amount of time spent with someone else, we find a small bit of love on varying levels and that satisfies our need for love and affection. Everyone has that innate desire.

So then why does everyone forego the honesty of wanting more and risk taking by telling someone "hey I like you" and act as if someone else doesn't matter in their life? Personally, I'd rather everyone who crosses my path to have a lasting impact. Whether they stay in my life for 6 minutes or 6 years. Isn't it about quality connection with each other anyways?

So yea, I want to be in a relationship. I find myself falling in love a little bit or multiple times each and every day. Might not be the right thing but it can't be wrong to allow myself to feel things very deeply. No I'm not settling for just anyone who comes along. And no I'm not going to compromise my integrity for someone else. But in not going to give up and I'm certainly not going to pretend I don't care when in fact I care a great deal. I've made plenty of mistakes, and now i can hope for forgiveness from others whole forgiving myself and try to just move forward. But it has to be in a good and solid direction.

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