3

There are three people in my life right now that when I see them, I stop and think. I mostly think about what would have happened if I had been at a point in my life that I could have dated them. How would my life be different? Who would I know? Who wouldn't I know?

The first guy is someone I met in 2007. I saw his then off-broadway show, then met a bunch of people from the cast out for drinks. We flirted kind of, but didn't really meet until a few weeks later. He was the first person that accepted me for not being in a place ready to "date" but wanted to get to know me better. Everyone kept telling me how gorgeous he was, but I just thought he was nice. He was sweet to me. Even now, his show is on b'way, and he's out on injury, is my neighbor, of sorts, we keep in touch via text. i know that if and when I see him, it's a little much to see him out with his bf, because I feel like I could have had that with him. A real relationship.

The next guy I met later that year while spending my summer doing a show in Provincetown. I constantly refer to him as my "puerto rican." He is the reason I still harbor hope that I can date again. We met once, briefly, while he was in town. I didn't really push the issue due to his level of hotness. I figured everyone in town would be hitting on him. But then a month passed, he was back, just visiting, but still, it was a week. Anywho, he and I officially first started speaking outside of what we all called "last chance pizza." It's a pizza place that stays open after the bars do in Massachusetts. It's basically the last chance to get laid for the night. I invited him to come to our hot tub party. He apparently called me, but I missed the call, and whatever. But the point is, we eventually met up. We kind of had a little fling for a week. I can honestly say that he is the reason I have hope for myself in a relationship. 

I spent a long time after my last boyfriend telling myself that I didn't need a relationship to be happy. I kept thinking that all I needed was myself. But this guy, there was just something about him. Maybe it was because I felt that he could take care of me. He was a lot younger than me, but for some reason that didn't matter. I just felt connected to him in some weird way. 

The other guy. Well, it's just difficult really. He's a wonderful person. I still hang out with him on occasion. But, the problem is, well there is no problem. I'm fairly certain things would be great between us if we could just get on the same playing field. He's someone I know from a gym about 3 years ago. Last year, while I was home from tour, he hooked me up with a gym membership. 2 years ago, in P-town, I called him out for working at said gym, but didn't follow through with it the week he was there. Anywho, last year we were supposed to meet up, but didn't because I realized that I was only in the city for a week, and had about 5 months left of tour. How could I even fathom a relationship at that point? But, I came back from tour with a bf, which ended very quickly, and now, well, let's just say he and I are at different places with similar feelings.

Through these 3 guys, I've crossed a different bridge of my life. One of them taught me that I wasn't ready, one taught me I was ready, and one is currently teaching me to let go of what might have been. The truth is, I have no clue what my future holds. I've spent so much time chasing a career that can't be controlled that I've tried to control every other aspect of my life to such a fine degree, I've forgotten that I can have all of this if I really want it. But, the question is now, "do I really want it?"

Well, do I?

Selfish...

selfish

-adjective

1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself

A friend of mine just broke up with his boyfriend. I know, I know. It sounds like I'm about to start that whole "a friend of mine" bullshit, when in reality, I'm talking about myself. Well, that is certainly not the case. My friend really did break up with his boyfriend. These things are not easy circumstances to deal with. I'm sure we've all been through the big ones, the not so big ones, and the ones that you can't wait to get out of your life. It all happens. But, no matter what the situation is, the ending isn't always the easiest.

But the funniest thing to me is this. When one person wants the relationship to be over, it usually means it's over. Maybe not always, but generally speaking. And when that person decides that the relationship isn't right for them, because they need something, they are usually called selfish. But what about the people who are desperate to stay in the relationship? Aren't they being selfish by only caring about what they want? Shouldn't they be just as blamed for being selfish by thinking of themselves?

The ends of relationships suck. They hurt.

On the Shelf

I've been up most of the night thinking. I made a decision yesterday based on a balance of power. It's funny. I don't usually think of things in such basic terms with my decisions, but in hindsight of a decision made, I have come to realize that it was made based on a shift of power. And as it turns out, many decision made in my life about based on something other than emotion, it's based on balance. I'm a libra, what more can I tell you?

In a functioning relationship, there is a constant balance of power. Sometimes it shifts and one person has more, and sometimes it's the other person. Eventually, it levels out again. But, what happens when one person tries to pull away from the other person? They immediately assume all upper hand of the relationship. Even without doing it intentionally. One person has one foot out the door and the other person is holding on for dear life. It's not a bad thing, it's actually quite sad. Two people who love each other but can't figure out how to make it work. 

I remember in college watching a movie and for the life of me can't figure out which one, but, I remember looking at my then boyfriend and saying, "I think it's one of the saddest things I've ever seen; two people who love each other so much but can't figure their shit out." I had no idea that I'd be one of those people just a few years later. He and I ended up breaking up shortly after college. We gave it a noble effort, but just got to the point where we had to be honest. It was better for us then to go our separate ways then to keep bashing our heads against a wall.

And now, I'm not sure what I should do. I've found something in someone that I swore I never would. I've become dependent when I vowed I wouldn't. I have allowed someone to come in. Even at times thought of their own needs before my own. Granted not much, because I am selfish. However, something still feels amiss. Something I haven't been able to put my finger on just yet. Does that mean I should throw in the towel? Or should I continue on until I figure that out. But, I feel the balance of power has completely shifted. I don't like feeling as though I have the upper hand now. Not one little bit. I need to be stood up to. I need to be given the ultimatum with the follow through. I need to put pushed back down off of this pedestal. 

For some reason, I've always looked at couples as slightly sad and depressing. There's this whole giving up of yourself, neediness, and dependance they have on one another. It always made me feel sad for them. As if I was judging them for wanting another person to share their lives with. And as much as I've tried to convince myself that I'm immune to that longing/wanting, I'm not. I'm just like everyone else. I do in fact want those things in my life, but when I am ready for them. That time is not now. Or maybe it is, and I'm being blind.

As for my next step, I don't know. A thousand times, I don't know. I wasn't ready for any of this. I know that most of the best things in life happen when you're not ready for them. But, in my own life, I usually put those things on the shelf, if I can, until I am ready for them. But, until then, I don't know how to put things into perspective. 

Where Do I GO

This song is great. I'm not sure if it's an original by Marie Digby or not, and I can't find a decent video on youtube to post, but it's a song I'm obsessed with right now... 

Twenty thousand miles from the place I call home

Twenty some odd years since the day that I was born

And I'm searchin

I'm still searchin' for answers

People often told me to choose a different road

This one can get ugly

Twist and turns to just grow old

But I'm walkin'

I don't care if I'm walkin' alone

And I'm, screaming into the dark

Searching for an answer

Where do I go from here

I, I don't know where I'm headed

Or if this is just a big mistake

But somethin's telling me

That falling down is a chance

I'll just have to take

And I, I'll get on the bus

And put down my bags

And take a final glance

At the only home I've known

At the only home I've ever known

And I'm screaming into the dark

Searching for an answer

Where do I go from here

All of my life

I've been so comfortable

But I always knew

That's there'd come a day

WHen I'd have to get out

Get out

I'm screaming into the dark

Searching for an answer

Where do I go from here

HERE

And I'm standing still

But I can't catch my breath

Or running fast as I can

But going nowhere

Where do I go from here...

Thoughts of the Day...

Sometimes we make choices that we don't fully understand. 

Sometimes we can push away that which we need most.

Sometimes we can block our own progress.

In the end, it will all work itself out the way it's supposed to

If that's not what happens, then what are we supposed to believe in?

Anywho, these songs are just on my mind today.

Forgiven...

I wrote this awhile back and for some reason, I liked it. No one else probably will. And there's really no reason to put this up. But... I am. Just felt the need today. Anywho.

We don't kiss anymore

Is that because you can't?

or you won't.

Because if you did

would I be forgiven?

If I could only hold the curves of your face

touch your hair

hold your big hands.

If only I could kiss you

Touch my breath on yours.

Then all would be ok.

But we don't kiss anymore.

There's nothing I can do

to make it better

Make you want me

Make you feel

what you once did.

But, maybe.

Maybe if we kissed.

I know you can't

You won't

If you did

Then I'm forgiven.

And heaven forbid 

That ever happen

So keep yourself closed

Let everyone "leave you"

I don't want to have left you

I want to come back

I want to touch you.

I want to kiss you.

A new year...

Most people take new year's as an opportunity to start anew. To right the wrongs of their past. To lose the 25 lbs they gained over the past year. To make resolutions they really can't keep. But it all happens on the first of the year. 

I don't do this. My mile marker is my birthday. October 13th. I even have a tattoo of a 13 on my arm. One of the reasons I did this this year, besides any other year, was because I wanted a reminder of a promise I made to myself on my personal new year. And I'm holding true to the meaning of that promise. 

There is a bunch of stuff brewing, I'm not sure if I'm ready for the change, but I'm sure once my body gets used to the weather, I'll be ready to tell you all about it.

Until then, Happy New Year to those that celebrate and start over this way. Stay tuned for an update.

Ranting...

I saw a woman at my restaurant tonight wearing the best outfit I have seen in awhile. Black halter type top, kind of racer back, and somewhat of an empire waist. Her jeans were black, with gold zippers running up the back of her legs, ending at her ass. Her body itself was nice, she looked like she worked out, and her face was only slightly fortunate looking, nothing exceptional. But, her hair was lacking, and the overall package was dismal. 

Basically my thoughts are this. These tops are not usually something I'd like to see on a woman. They are usually worn by women who don't wear a bra, yet should.  1. it looks painful to see the girls bouncing around, and 2. who wants to actually see the girls bouncing around. I know I'm gay and all, but I promise, that has nothing to do with it. I don't want to see a dude freeballin' it in a pair of gym shorts anymore than I want to see a woman freebreastin' it. Get it? 

Christmas 2008

I have decided that I'm no longer going home for Christmas. This is in no way a reflection on my family, but more a reflection on me. My family is wonderful, and to be honest, Christmas with them is the best thing I can imagine. But to go back about 9 years, I have had drama almost every single year since leaving home.

1999, Freshman year of college. My car decided to break down on December 23rd around 1130 PM. Luckily for me, I was about 6 miles away from a po-dunk little town. I had to walk, in the snow, not up hill both ways, but it was fucking cold. Granted, 1999 was long before I had a cell phone, and reception is so bad in Wyoming anyways, there was no point. However, I eventually got to a payphone, called my dad, who came and got me and we towed that fucking car home and ended up home around 330 in the morning. My dad kicks ass. 

2000, Sophomore year of college. A mere few days before I'm ready to go home for xmas, some asshole decides to be a show off on icy roads and rear-ends my car, totals it, and I'm almost stranded for Xmas. Luckily for me, college was only 2 hours away, so once again, my dad rescued me and picked me up. Not SO much drama, but still enough to piss you off.

2001, Junior year of college. I had just transferred to Buffalo for school and didn't really understand the whole finals thing that my department didn't really recognize, so I had everything done almost 3 full weeks before my plane was to depart Buffalo. My ticket was purchased and everything, but who was to sit around for 3 weeks with nothing to do? Not me, so I bought a bus ticket and spent two and a half full days on the bus. The highlight of that trip was getting mugged in Chicago's glorious bus station for 50 cents and a bottle of water. Nice. And top off the trip, my sister and I had the worst fight in the history of our family and I almost flew back to Buffalo on xmas eve. I stayed and we worked it all out.

2002, Senior year of college. I think this may have been the only drama free year. Yup, it was. How boring of me.

2003, My final semester of school. I was so sick right before I left from rehearsals, after having missed several, then could only get off for two days, so I flew home and flew back. I'm sure my flight was pretty expensive. Not the most dramatic, but definitely shitty because I could only spend a few days with the fam.

2004, Living in the big city for the first time. Also, the first year I rented a car on my own. My bags were lost somewhere in the world, and I spent most of my trip crying because I thought all the gifts I'd bought were lost somewhere and no one would get anything from me. I fought on the phone with my parents on the way up. I later found out that I made my mother cry. Not the best thing to do.

2005, Still living in NYC. I pissed my mom off royally when I buzzed all of my curly hair off because I just needed a change. It worked out for the better for me. Meanwhile I got something in my eye and found out later I had a piece of dirt that lightly scratched my eyeball, thank God I had insurance. So, if you look closely at the pictures from this holiday, my right eye is all fucked up.

2006, Once again living in NYC. This Christmas was mostly drama free. I had booked a show so I was able to quit my job just before leaving to go home and had a week free with nothing to do between xmas and leaving on Jan 2 for Illinois. A perfect year. :) 

2007, I was home for 6 weeks. Granted it was with my family, but it sucked because I had been on tour and got injured. So I had 6 weeks with a HUGE ugly boot on my foot, my sister calling me "boy," and driving back and forth to the doctor every week in a town that I wasn't even staying in. Overall, the time I spent with my fam was great, it was cool that I was getting unemployment, but really shitty that I had to leave my job behind. OH yeah, and it was the first year we were minus someone in our family. My florida sister didn't come home last year.

2008, back in the city. This year sucked. I overslept and missed my flight on Tuesday morning, and thankfully, the previous week had been such shitty weather that every flight was oversold and had too many people waiting from earlier cancelled flights trying to get on. So, I spent Christmas this year in NYC, mostly alone. I do have wonderful friends who all offered to have me come home with their families. However, I know that it seems dumb, but I'd rather be alone missing my family than with a family that is awesome because I'd just miss my family even more and I don't want to be the emotional guy that everyone has to feel sorry for. I did have an awesome dinner on Christmas eve with Nick and Tasha! Then yesterday was a fun filled day of the movies, dinner and a friend's bar. So, it worked out as best as it could. 

I've since decided that I'm not longer doing Christmas in December. I seem to have to go through so much bullshit just to get home and I'm done. I love my family very much, but I'm now going to go home in August when there is no school, so my sisters can't argue they have to get back for something haha. And overall, there isn't much weather to contend with. So, I'll be doing that. They can jump on board or not, but that's how it's going to be from now on.

Holidays...

There is a lot going on right now that I'm trying to process. Christmas wasn't exactly what I wanted it to be this year, but I'm dealing. So, once I figure it all out, I'll write some more. Just haven't felt like it much. So for the five of you who read this, I'll have some new stuff soon. For those of you who don't read it, it's funny, just when I think I'm done, something random happens and my heart drops, and I wonder how much longer 'til I'm over it?

Anywho, Merry Christmas all!