Halloween!

OMG! Am I really in NYC?????


(Hint about my cosutme tonight-can you figure it out?)

Just something to think about...

"The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created, created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them changes both the maker and the destination." John Schaar

Just a little something I've been thinking about. Anyone can chose their own adventure. Anyone can bring on a companion. Anyone can push someone overboard, and anyone can switch paths in the middle of their course. It's an interesting ebb and flow of life and when it hits you like a ton of bricks, it can be enlightening.

Just when you think...

It's been a weird week for me. I'll write more about it later.... but it's just, for lack of a better word, weird.

It all adds up...

It all adds up. I watched a show today. What was interesting about it is they did equine therapy. For anyone who's never seen the Sandra Bullock movie "28 Days," equine therapy is done to teach one about the patterns they have in life. This was something I already knew about before I saw the above mentioned movie. I just happened to forget all about it. So it kind of reminded me of a few things.

Anyways, in the show I was watching, a woman needed to confront a lot of what was plaguing her. She had wronged a significant amount of people. I think we all get there. Sometimes, we can look at our lives and wonder, "How did we end up here?" It's a wonderful experience to reflect back on the time and places we've gone and the path we've taken. It's very easy to look back and say, "If only I could go back to this specific moment and chose the alternate road." But, that road would take us in an entirely different direction.

There is a musical review with a song that has the lyrics, "I want to see me from where I've begun, but I'm afraid to be, who I am, who I want to become." Another lyric from the same song is, "Do I really want to see, Do I really want to mess it all up to know? Could I be living a life filled with uncertainty, Do I want to grow?" It's so funny because they authors of this song were in college when they wrote it. It makes me smile because I know that I'm still ok to be where I'm at in life. 

My closest/oldest/dearest friend and I were talking the other day about mistakes. She told me that no matter what decisions we've made in the past, we've made them, there's not much we can do about that. I know this already, but it's nice to have the update. She went on to tell me that when you truly decide to do something, or change something, then it will happen. Sometimes, in the 7+ years I've known her, I have to remind myself that she is younger than me by almost 2 years. She constantly surprises me with how much of an old wise soul she is. And that I'm fairly new still. I'm smart and sometimes mature, yes, but my soul is relatively new. It's true. And the final thing she said to me once in a text message, and I have it saved so I can constantly look at it. It says "There's nothing I have to have, there's nothing I have to do, and there's nothing I have to be except exactly what I'm being right now." Everyday I see this because I text more than anyone I know. But, it's nice to know that she's always in my thoughts. 

So, having said all of that. There's a subject of myself that I have to throw out there. I'm not great with poetry, lyrics of my own, or writing cryptic messages. I'm much better writing in narrative and getting myself just out there. So, I've lied. I haven't been honest, and I've screwed up. But what I've realized lately is that no one can forgive me before they are ready. That beautiful scene in Sex and the City in which SJP tells her friend, "It's all forgiveness." It's all the same. But the thing is this. I don't always feel like I deserve some of the things I've gotten. So I have to start with myself so that I can accept forgiveness if and when it comes. And if I don't receive it from others, at least I can give it to myself. I can deal with that at least. 

Yes, I'm a control freak. I always have been. I think I get it from my mom. Not that I dislike my mom, but I get a lot of things from her. It's just natural. But, I'm learning. I'm learning that no matter what, I can get over anything. Or, at least, I can deal with anything. I can buckle down and keep pushing forward. It's just how I was. I know that lately I have yearned for a vacation from my life, but that's the easy way out. I see that now. I have to face the music of my not so wonderful past and just move forward. Friends, lovers, colleagues, family, are all people I've hurt. I know it. I can't do much but send out my heartfelt apologies and hope and pray that I'm forgiven, but sometimes, it just doesn't happen.

And "niceness." Well, it's good to know that people are going to be nice. A drunken text message, a voicemail, email or whatever. It's good to have it. I'll take it for what it is and wish you the best.

Looking forward...

I have this idea.... It's about watching the eleven o'clock news. But what you're watching is somehow a clip of your future. You see the eventual ramifications of your choices you've made that day. If only we could see what would happen, we'd never make the wrong choice. Because we'd get to see the outcome before we had to experience it. 

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. We have to wait and see if we made the right choice or not. If I had a new program like the one I just mentioned, I would have done things so much differently this year. If only everyone else could have seen what I did.

Pigeons and Luck

Today I was walking west on 20th street in NYC, completely enjoying the brisk day. I had really great music on, and was kind of strutting down the street. I looked up and saw a pigeon flying around and thought nothing of it. I stopped for a brief moment to look at my ipod to change songs and WHAAAAAAAAAACK! The damn pigeon flew right into the side of my head, knocking me off balance and sent it flying weird for a few before it settled on the ground, righted itself, then flew off. 

Seriously, about 25 people were around me, all of which were either laughing or trying to make sure I was ok. I was fine, but a little embarrassed. I mean, a damn diseased pigeon just flew into my head, part of which was my face. GROSS! 

Now, there's this theory about birds and such shitting on your head being a sign of good fortune. Does that same rule apply when one slams into your head?

I certainly hope so.

Am I?

I'm still awake at 130. 

It's not that late, 

but i got in at 12. 

So, why am I destined to stay awake and think about things too far gone to repair?

Am I going to constantly struggle to balance it all out?

Am I going to throw in the towel and go home?

Ugh to my life,

I need a vacation.

I need to switch, but that's a small problem.

I know I miss it. More than I should. I don't want to do what I'm afraid I'm going to have to do.

AM I ever going to get a fucking vacation?

Rants of the week.

So much has been going on, and I just dont' really know where to begin. Good things and bad. So I'll just start listing them.

1. Hate that I have ill feelings towards some of my friends because things get miscommunicated. 

2. I hate that I used to love going to the gym, and now, I just feel, well, it's a rough time sometimes.

3. I waited on Star Jones today at my restaurant. Turns out she's one of the sweetest and most polite people ever. Guess that the view must have just shown her bad sides? Not sure.

4. I'm 28!!!! everyday getting closer to 30. I hope when I hit it, I'll have a lot more figured out.

5. I'm getting a flu shot tomorrow, and I'm a little sick now, so not sure if I should. I'm a little bit scared. Any thoughts anyone?

6. I have all of this music from this summer that I rarely listen to, but can't get rid of it. Sometimes I get a little sentimental. 

7. It's getting much colder in NYC and i can't find a goddamn winter coat to save my life. Who wants to go shopping with me???

8. I have felt guilty for having ill feelings towards some of my friends. I actually thought about just letting the friendships fade away. Today, I realized that it's probably not the best way to handle the situation. Maybe it'll just work itself out and I'll have to accept that some of my oldest friends are now strangers.

9. I hate even numbers, so I had to write 9 things. And 9 should be enough, right?

Song... Just deal...

So, I heard this song this summer and I didn't really like it, but it came on my ipod yesterday and I haven't been able to stop listening. 

It's been ten years of investment

It's been one foot in and one out

It's been four day of full of shit

And I feel snuffed out

It's been 33 ears of restraining

Of trying to control this tumult

How I did invest in such fantasy

But my nervous system has won out

I feel done

I feel raked over coals

And all that remains is the case

That it's a bitch to grow up

I've repeated this dance ad nauseam

There's still something to learn that I've not

I totally see this is divine perfection

But my bones don't feel this perfection

I feel done

I feel raked over coals

And all that remains is the case

That it's a bitch to grow up

I've spent my life hovering above bottom

Thinking I can't survive what below

But I've known through the kicking and screaming

That there was no other direction to go

I feel done

I feel raked over coals

And all that remains is the case

That it's a bitch to grow up.

"It's a bitch to grow up" by alanis morissette

So Much To Say

There's so much for me to say right now, but everything is happening too fast for me to catch up. When I've collected my thoughts, I'll be back with some good shit for you people who actually read this. I think there's about 2 of you. BUt i'll be off for a bit, but it's all just brewing in my head for now...