Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I've felt the need to post anything. No one really reads what I put up on here anyways, so it seems like it's pointless. But, then again not.

For the past few months, I've been coasting. Mostly in my chosen profession. In my day job, I succeed. In my relationships, I feel that I succeed. For what I moved here, I don't know. I don't want to or like admitting defeat, but sometimes, it seems inevitable. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the dramatic of the highs and lows and let the world seem like it's pushing down on your shoulders so hard you swear that you'll break. But then, you get back up.

But, that's the past few months. I've decided now that if my daily mantra is "it's not that serious," I should start living up to the promise right?

Well, today, and tonight, I was reminded of just how serious I've been taking my own life. I broke down in tears to a good friend at work today about how stressed out I've let myself become over a job I don't really care about. I knew that he was someone that would help me and he did. The situation just meant so much to me and it felt so good that someone was on my side. Sometimes, it just helps that someone understands what you're going through and can actually help you get what you need. To top it off, my ever-understanding and super amazing BF told me, "breathe, everything will work out." just like that. Like he just knew that everything would, in fact, work out. It's amazing that how when I can't see the forest through the trees, I have people around me that can point out what's really important.

Later, as I was walking my puppy, and he peed, as they tend to do, a junior high punk got pissed that Monkey dare pee anywhere near his vicinity. I figured, oh well. He's a kid, my dog's a dog, and that's just how things are. But, after walking my dog a few times and he peed, the kid looked at me and said, "if you're motherfucking dog pisses near me again, or bites me, i'll fucking kill him." I just looked at him and said, "i hope you have a better day." Then his mom started in on me and i think I heard the phrase, "fucking college punks and their dogs." I mean, what's more sweet than that? She thought I was in college! Score for me!!! I don't really know what all she said, but it was clear that the apple fell far from that tree.

I realized that my life isn't so serious and maybe theirs really is. It seems that just when I need a reminder that nothing is really as serious as it seems. Sometimes it takes someone else ripping into you to snap you into what's real. And what's real isn't that serious!

2009 in review, stolen from Laura

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

-helped cast a show, in which, i got to actually help make the decisions rather than just sit in on the auditions.

-gave into love (yup, someone finally broke down the wall.)

-took a man home to meet my family

-moved into an apt with someone

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I tend to not make new year's resolutions. I usually take an evaluation on my birthday every year. That's my new year's. This year, however, I did make a few. Hopefully I'll keep them. It's early and I'm doing pretty well so far.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No. I'm hoping this year changes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Tai from Clueless. :(

5. What countries did you visit?

I sad now. Stayed in USA this past year. I did go to Maine, Massachusetts a lot, and Wyoming twice. I love it!!!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Money, always could use more.

Career, would love to book more jobs, but ultimately, I just want to be passionate about what I do.

I would also like more time with my friends and family. As I get older, I just keep realizing how fleeting life is.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 31st, a real turning point in my relationship. Also a night I won a dance off at my best friend's bday party. (i was in my underwear and cowboy boots, naturally)

April 12th, Easter in Marshfield. First official holiday with the in-laws. HAHA

July 4th, Fireworks in P-town at the beach with Matt. Beautiful!

November 26th. Thanksgiving with the in-laws.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Personal Growth and Ownership. I spent the year really letting myself fall head over heels in love. I let someone influence my life and push me to be the strongest and best version of myself imaginable. I've let myself ultimately own what I am and who I am. I've faced fears head on and overcome them. I've allowed someone into my heart to truly see who I am, and he is still here. I have more fears to face, and I'll deal with everything as it comes my way, but ultimately, I have found some peace in my life. I know that I can take on anything.

9. What was your biggest failure?

My biggest failure is that I let too many friends slip away from me and didn't keep in touch with the ones I truly love.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Eh, not really. I don't get sick very often. And I broke my foot about 2.5 years ago, so I think I'm good for awhile.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Wow, just picking one thing. Plane tickets to wyoming, twice. And Matt's bday dinner. Damn that was good!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My love, Matt. For standing by me no matter what and loving me always. Sappy and corny, I know, but if anyone in this world is lucky enough to find someone like him, then you would know what I'm talking about.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Kanye West ( i know I dont' have to go into detail)

Chris Brown (again, details not required)

And no, i'm not racist.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, Student loans, Trips to new england, trips to wyoming, christmas.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My trip to maine to see Christine in A Chorus Line, leaving to go to P-town, coming back from p-town, Going to Wyoming, coming home from Wyoming, My bday, matt's bday, halloween going as a tourist, thanksgiving in marshfield, and christmas in my apt with matt, and christmas in wyoming, new years in nyc!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

fallin' for you by colbie caillat

work by kelly rowland

chasing pavements by adele

MIKA's new album

Lucky by Jason Mraz and colbie caillat

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? INSANELY HAPPIER
b) thinner or fatter? i'm gaining weight but it's all muscle
c) richer or poorer? about the same

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Auditioning, get off my ass, write more, play my piano more, and see my friends more.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worry about the bullshit

20. How did you spend Christmas?

In the ER with my sister because she was dehydrated, then just hanging out on the couch eating and watching movies with my family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

I fall in love more and more everyday. So, yes. And I know most of you will roll your eyes with that statement, but it's true

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Brothers and Sisters, handsdown the best show on TV.... Close second is Drop Dead Diva on Lifetime. It's so cute!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Um, not that i know of.

24. What was the best book you read?

My sister's Keeper. Amazing!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

MIKA, Colbie Caillat

26. What did you want and get?

Peace, more happiness.

27. What did you want and not get?

Money, well I got it, and now it's gone again.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Up, it's one of the top ten, i'm stumped to think of more right now

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turnened 29, like this question! My bf was taking me to dinner then it turned out to have more people there than I thought. It was awesome.

30. What’s the one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Matt. Enough said. I'm a better person because of him.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Eh, i will always be a t-shirt and jeans type of guy. I deviate from that from time to time, but overall, i'm really basic

32. What kept you sane?

Matt, and John. Boyfriend and best friend. Completely

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Is this a crush? hmmmm David beckham, or robert downey, jr. Maybe jude law.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Healthcare. I have it, and I think obama's proposed healthcare is bullshit. I actually think obama is full of shit. There, I said it. I don't support our president. I didn't support him before the election and I don't support him now. Think what you will, but I refuse to be a single issue voter.

35. Who did you miss?

My friends from college. My friend that lives about 5 blocks away that I never see. A girl who's blog I stole this from, she's one of the coolest chicks i know. I miss my family.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Wendy Williams. HAHA, still have yet to meet her, but I was on her show this year, in the audience. And David Bryant. I knew him before, but got to know him this year. As well as Ryan. Two amazing people I got to spend the summer with.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Stop, breathe, think, speak.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"Do you hear me? I'm talking to you. Across the water across the deep blue ocean under the open sky, oh my, baby i'm trying. Boy I hear you in my dreams. I feel your whisper across the sea. I keep you with me in my heart. You make it easier when life gets hard. I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be coming home again. They don't know how long it takes. waiting for a love like this. Every time we say goodbye, I wish we had one more kiss. I'll wait for you I promise you, I will."

An Amazing Night for Some...

So, tonight at work, something very interesting happened. Well, I guess it depends on your perspective. Let's start with my experience.

Halfway through my shift tonight, i was seated with a two top, a couple. They were far less than happy. They were downright fighting. The first time I went over, the girl was yelling at the guy. The guy was kinda cute, and the girl definitely wasn't, so I didn't think she was worth the hassle. Every time I walked over to talk to them, they seemed to be ok, but the tension was insanely high. However, I wasn't the only one who noticed. There were moments where these two people were screaming so loudly, other tables were looking at them like they were crazy, which, the pretty much were/are.

Throughout their time at my table, many of my co-workers kept coming up to me and saying things like, "wow, table 55 is certainly a lovely couple," "what the hell is wrong with them," etc. At one point, I asked a girl I work with to try to listen in on what they were saying. She only got out of them that the guy was yelling at the girl. And that he said something like, "it might as well have been a transvenstite." Ok, yeah, this dude is crazy, and well yeah, so is his girlfriend.

Finally, the table next to them was seated with 4 girls. Girls that were awesome and fun, but giggly and whatnot. I honestly didn't give them much of a second thought, until my table of crazies left. That's when I got the actual scoop of what they were fighting about.

I go to pick up my check off the crazy table and this is the scoop.

Apparently, while the crazies were at the bar, the group of four girls were next to them. Girlfriend went to the bar, and the guy started hitting on one of the girls. Girlfriend comes back to the bar to find her boyfriend hitting on the girl and lost her mind. She then began fighting with the boyfriend at the bar, and it continued on while they were sitting at the table. Well, low and behold, the girl he was hitting on gets seated at the table next to them! So of course the first thing out of her mouth is "well, this is awkward!" Which was followed by comments of "well, I don't know, why don't you ask HER!" pointing at the girl next to her. Then at one point the guy moved over to the girlfriend's side of the table and began canoodling with her. Somehow, i think, in hindsight, that he did this to prove a point to the girl he had been hitting on previously. But, then, they went back onto fighting. Another point he started screaming about Hoboken, HOBOKEN, and how his girlfriend should just call her mom and get on a train back to hoboken, HOBOKEN!!! INSANE!

What are the odds of getting seated next to the guy who was hitting on you and he actually introduces his girlfriend! W-O-W!!!

THis happened to be one of the funniest moments I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing while I was at work. Top ten, at least.

So, to Ann, Caroline, Melissa, and Abigail, thank you for making my night amazing.

On a sad note, the girlfriend ended up sitting at the bar, alone, for the next couple of hours while her douchebag boyfriend left. Yeah, he turned out to be a big ole douchebag!!!

Change...

I recently hung out with someone I haven't really spent much time with over the last couple of years. We had a good time spiced with a few awkward moments, but that was expected. However, just before he left, he looked at me and said, "You're a completely different person." It struck me as odd, but I brushed it off and went on my way.

As the next few days passed, I started thinking about it more. Did he mean that I'm a completely different person because I'm not as jaded as I was two years ago? Did he mean that I'm different because overall I've become someone I never thought I would? Did he mean that I've grown very satisfied in a relationship and somewhat co-dependent and two years ago I promised I never would? Did he mean I'm different because I have a new tattoo? I honestly don't know. But it just became this whole statement that I've noticed coming from more and more of my friends.

When two people meet, their paths suddenly cross and they are in each others lives. But given that some friends are made while doing a show, the business of theatre will keep them apart for a very long time. So, when one meets a friend then has a few years between times of hanging out, it's expected to notice a difference in those people. For example, when I was on tour, I was gone from NYC four a mere 4 months before I had a break to come back home. Then I went back out on the road for another 4 months. In those short 7-8 months, I felt like I was constantly changing and growing, and I'm sure I was, btu it was more concentrated in the bubble that is a tour. I was seeing the same 40 people every day. I didn't get to see my friends, I didn't get to talk to them as much as I wanted. So when I got back to NYC I felt like the the world had changed around me and I had been standing still. I immediately slipped into depression. I felt so far behind everyone. And I felt like I had missed out. When did my best friend cut her hair so short? When did another friend book his first broadway show? And another friend's mother passed away. I missed it all.

Anywho, the point is that yes I've changed a lot in the past couple of years. But I think it's all been for the best. A lot of it has to do with the person I'm dating. It's funny how much one person can influence your life. I always hear of people saying that their friends' boyfriend or girlfriend is really bad for them. I constantly hear how much people love mine. And how they think a positive influence has been made on my life. So, yes, that changes things. I'm more settled now. I'm ready to build a life with someone. A year and a half ago, I wasn't ready for that. But, sometimes when you meet someone, you just know that they're going to be in your life for a long long time. And, sadly, there are other people you meet that you know you aren't destined to be with, even when you make certain decisions. Whether that decision is getting involved when you know you shouldn't, or making the decision to walk away because you know it's the best thing for both of you even though it's difficult.

Overall, change is gradual, but when you spend so much time away from people, the change seems drastic. That's just how it is.

Change is good, and it's bad, but when it's good, everything becomes possible

Long Time Coming...

I haven't written for a very long time. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because the last few months I've been in some really desperate need of soul searching. Maybe it's because I took on a second job that ruined every aspect of my social life. Maybe it's because I became consumed with a relationship. Maybe it's just because I simply couldn't find the time. But today, I decided I had to write a few things about the past few months. Or few weeks, which were most important anyways.

So, backtracking to April. I spent a lot of time working on a show that is now about to begin a rehearsal period then open for the summer. It's been a fun time of casting, some rehearsals, and now we're about to begin. It's been wonderful. There was a stint in there that I was working at a restaurant and also bartending at a lounge. The lounge turned out to not be the best place for me, but I managed.

Anywho, a couple of weeks ago, I went up to Maine to see a show. I few of my friends were in it, as well as one of my dearest friends in the world. This particular friend was the catalyst for my going to see the show, and it so happens that I haven't seen this girl perform since college. And since college was some time ago, we'll just say that's a LONG time. HAHA. Anywho, I prepped my traveling companion for the brilliance that he was about to see when she came to the stage. How amazing she's always been, how her voice is gorgeous, and how I was excited to see her in a role I hadn't seen her do before. (We did this show in college and she was a different part. just to clue everyone in.)

So, I spent all of this time prepping him for how great she is, when, in reality, I should have been prepping myself. What happened on stage was almost miraculous. No amount of boasting of this girl's talent kept me even in the ballpark for what she did on that stage. She was funny, charming, sassy, beautiful, and just overall flawless. I've always known this girl was talented. But that isn't quite it. Talent isn't even the right word to describe her. I've seen people perform that I always thought they were good, but this girl, she is truly remarkable. I have to remind myself that I am this girl's friend. It's truly an honor and a blessing that she is in my life, aside from the kick ass stage antics.

But, the best thing is, she has no clue how amazing she really is. I don't think she ever will. But, it's her own gracious humble attitude that keeps her grounded. This particular job was a long time coming, but, it came and now I believe that she will be on a new wonderful journey because of it. So, if you read this, then just know that if you know a woman named Christine LaDuca, then you are in the presence of greatness.

Moving on to this weekend. Or rather, today. Today is a bittersweet day in my life. I just got to Provincetown, MA, for what will be my second time. But, that's not what's really important. What's really important is that today, I realized something about the past year of my life. I believe that an angel was sent to me. I believe that I have exhibited some destructive behavior over the last year, and someone upstairs wanted me to have this angel in my life. Because no matter what I said or did, he stayed with me. He fought me to see through all of my faults and find goodness again. He stayed by my side even when I told him, falsely, that I wanted him to go. He saw through all of the badness and the crap, and found me.

I realized all of this while watching him drive away. Yup, he has gone for the summer. Well, really, I've gone. I decided to come up to P-town for my show and I've left him to fend for himself in NYC. But, he kindly agreed to come with me to bring me up here. And it was watching him leave that everything bad thing I've said to him suddenly became a regret in my head. Every ignorant action I made over the last year suddenly seemed so trivial. Because at that moment of watching him, I realized how truly lucky I am that he found me. I am so lucky because I have love in my life. I have something to really hold on to. A gift like this only comes once in your life, maybe more if you're really special, but for me, I'm pretty sure it's just a one time occurrence. I know some of my friends reading this are probably about to vomit, but it's just something so good, I can't help myself. Things that used to make me feel jaded and vile over, I suddenly love. The influence is completely positive, so let's just leave it that I'm one of the lucky ones.

I truly am.

Easter...And Other things.

I was fortunate enough to spend Easter with a family that isn't mine. It's a family much like my own, but slightly different. The way that they are much like mine is that everyone is different and everyone has different ideals about life, but the central focus of their lives is their family bond and most importantly, love. Like my family, they are remarkable, adaptable, unique and wonderful. 

It's always interesting  spending a holiday with another family because one never knows if their own family did things the same way, and you're always seeing into the private lives of another family. But, the Easter I just spent was very much like the ones I spend, or have spent with my own family. Everything from decorating eggs, hiding them for the kids, hanging out with the adults, to catching up on the latest family gossip, sharing in laughs, joy and lots of wonderful times.

So, for me, this Easter was particularly special, because I hit a turning point. I went to spend Easter with a family that I thought, "ok maybe one day I'll be a part of this family." I left this morning from their house yearning to become a part of their lives. I met the "in-laws," and while nervous, I found myself really enjoying myself. I got to see into the more personal life of someone I'm dating. And I found myself falling in love a little bit deeper. 

I got to spend a fun three days with a family that's not my own and felt like I belonged. I hope that one day, I do belong to that family and can just add those wonderful people to the family that I already have, know and love.

Love.

A lot of people spend their whole life looking for love. I know that I have a great deal of love in my life. I know that I'm a pretty lucky guy. I have tons of friends, and great relationships with my parents and family. But, I've always wondered how love works between two people of a romantic nature. More or less, I've tried to define it. Truth is, it's not definable. 

I know that it's there in the sandwich left for me in the fridge when I get home from work, even if the words I love you aren't written on it. I know it's there for me in the layers of blankets and pillows set up on the floor when I come home from a hard day and get pampered with a massage. I know it's there in the small gifts or surprises I get throughout the day. Love is very much in the text messages that I receive, the voicemails I get, or the notes and letters and cards. It's crazy how a feeling and emotion can exist without being seen, but just felt. 

Inside my whole being, I feel it. And it's crazy because I never thought I'd be this guy. The "i love you" kind of guy. I figured I'd just live on my own for a long long time. But now, I have someone I want to spend time with, someone I completely just love having around for no other reason then we have fun. But I'm sitting in my living room just past 2 in the morning and I know that I am loved. How lucky am I for that?

Another day...

I haven't written about work in awhile and tonight was a really good night at work, so I thought I'd share. I was feeling a little bit feisty tonight, so it made everything a little bit better. Plus, everyone at my tables were pretty awesome and willing to play back with me so it got really good.

My first great experience came with a party of 10. I was dropping off alcoholic drinks, and an infant of about 7 months reached for my tray. This next convo was amazing.

Me(as the infant reached for the tray) No no sweetie, you might not want those. (then to her mother) Or maybe she's trying to start young.

Mother- Well you know she wasn't on the bottle at all, but she keeps reaching for everyone's beer bottle. I don't know where she gets it.

Me- Uh-oh. You'd better keep an eye on her. She'll probably grow up to be a stripper.

Mother died of laughter and told the story several more times during the night. 

Second table was pretty awesome. It was a family of four. Parents and two boys, one gay and one not gay.

When the food arrived I went back to check in with everyone and the gay child (around 7 or 8) looked at me and said, "Everything is excellent" with a slight lisp and head tilt that makes me want to set aside his gay manuel and send it to him when he turns 18. I mean, the kid will need some help.

Later on, I walked to the table and apparently the father did something rude but I heard the following conversation.

Mom- Just because your father does it sometimes doesn't make it polite.

Kid- Well then, I can't wait to be an adult, You wanna know why, mom?

Mom- Why?

Kid- Because then I can do whatever the hell I want to. Just like Dad.

AMAZING! That kid was about 10. 

Stuff...

I have come to realize something today. Everyone is living the "leading role" of their own lives. So, no matter what happens, a person can actually justify any of their own actions. It's funny how we can hurt other people, or be hurt by others, lie to people, be lied to, and in our own personal view, it's all about ourselves. But, that makes sense, because we're living our own lives. So we can either forgive people for the wrong things they've done, or we can't. But the beauty of the situation is we will do what we think is best for ourselves first. Or should, but that's a whole other situation.

The other thing i've come to realize, and I'm sure it's really hippie/crunchy for me to think this... But we are all beautiful people. We all deserve greatness in our lives. Every one of us. There isn't a person out there that I think doesn't deserve good things in their life. I have a really close friend who, for whatever reason, can't see the good. For some reason she's decided that she isn't getting what she wants. I don't know how to help her move forward to see how to get closer to her goals. I don't know how to get her to see that she deserves to have happiness in her life. It's so crazy. I wish she could see herself the way I see her. She'd see that she is such a wonderful person, inside and out, someone who takes care of her family, her friends. Everyone who knows her, knows how great she is, how beautiful she is, and how talented. It just comes down to believing it beyond all reason.

All i'm saying is, my friends are beautiful people. If they weren't, we wouldn't be friends. And I'm also saying that there are two sides to every story, it just depends on who you talk to. Some people look at things differently because, like I said, "leading role."

Been Awhile...

You know how sometimes one part of a song will hit you, make you think of someone, make you cry, laugh, or anything, even when the song itself isn't all that wonderful? Well, I recently got a need album and there's a line in it that sums up a lot of my past few months perfectly...

"I am sassy, I am sappy,

When I'm with you, I am Happy..."

Obviously, this song makes me think of someone very close to me. I hate to think of some of the ways I've treated him over the past year, and very thankful that I was given the second chance to make things right. 

Anywho, I spent a lot of time tonight thinking about this person. While talking with my friend, Heather, we talked a lot about how I haven't really been involved lately, but how much I've changed and actually started wanting something more than what I had experienced. When I was asked about this person, all I could say was, "he'll be around for awhile."

After about 20 minutes of talking and some wonderful tasty-d, I made my way home via MTA (bastards) and all I could think about was him. I actually walked down the street with a little skip in my step. For anyone who knows me, you should already know that I'm someone who would kick my own ass for something like that. But, tonight I didn't care. I got home and was welcomed warmly at the door and after a few minutes, I was asked if I was alright. I know that I am fine, but with him I'm better than I ever thought I could be. 

I have said it many times. I've always pitied people in love. I never wanted to be one of those people. I never wanted to date. I never wanted a boyfriend. Every time I saw a couple in love I wanted to throw up. Well, sadly folks I'm now one of those people and I'm happy about it. 

A friend of mine told me last fall that he missed the old steve. Well, fortunately, and somewhat unfortunately, the old "steve" is gone. I know now that if I ever find myself single again, it will be incredibly different time in my life. 

Moving on....

There are some people in my life that are perhaps stuck in a rut. I hope they realize that there are opportunities waiting around the corner. If they can stick it out and keep their dreams in focus, they'll figure it out. I promise. And I'll be there if you need me.... ILUMS...

Have a good night everyone...